Hi @Sophia1
I have only caught up on your post now. I am so sorry for what is going on for you. Similarly, I have had to take a step away over the last week or so & will likely have to in the future too - not because I want to.
The chaos in my life at the moment is at extreme levels.
When I read your letter, I could have written it myself. I am right there with you.
Did I understand it correctly that you have a twin - who is treating you badly? This hurt my heart. The confusion & disbelief - that is what I am experiencing.
I could try to tell you lots of positive things. I can't. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I am only existing one moment at a time. Right now, this moment I can write these words to you. Later, tomorrow I can't say.
I heard & felt every word you wrote. I think tonys response & warmth was so beautiful. I don't care what the diagnostics are - he is the smartest man I know!
. I'm not smart enough to fix you, but there are some really smart people around.. they have already paved the roads we travel... so i don't sweat the small stuff. i just pester them for answers. and stick to the basics. Just don't try too fix it all yourself
I think he is clever for recognising that we are the same (you& me) - now I don't know if that means we are good for each other!! Or the opposite!! I don't consider myself deep - I'm only me. Although, tonys is certainly not the first person to say that about me. So, I'm not sure what happens when 2 deepys like you & me get together! We might create a new universe? (Or a black hole🕳️)Who knows?
That quote above, from tonys, stood out to me. It is true I think? We can't be the first people in the history of existence to feel so .... Betrayed... Bereft? Can we?
I wanted to also acknowledge your strength and courage in laying it all out like you did. I have done it on the phone to counselors, I couldn't write it like you did here. Maybe we have places that feel more safe than others. I think what you wrote was unbelievably brave & I support you. Like.....I REALLY support you❤️
I don't mean to cross any personally boundaries, because we have hardly spoken - I only wanted to say I am sorry for the loss of your mum. I thought the way you explained where you are at with processing the loss was really insightful & intelligent.
If you are like me - you probably don't realise the clarity you are actually projecting.
I felt like I understood everything in your letter - despite your intro as 'this might not make sense.'
I think what happens to me, is that the thoughts become so entangled & too many, that I genuinely lose grip on my surroundings. All the information comes too fast. The best, or only way I know to make sense of it, is to express it - one way or another. I think maybe that is what you were doing. To us, it feels like we are not making sense, our brains feel jumbled - & then when a mean, or narcissistic person takes advantage of that state & lies to us, or manipulates us - then we become more confused. Eventually, it feels like the messages in the brain are so scrambled - there is nothing left to do. And we are paralysed.
I don't know what it all means - but your letter made perfect sense. I can't make any sense of my life right now - & it terrifies me. I understand what you wrote.
