Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Carlachris  do you have your own counsellor to speak with to help you with the decision about whether to go or to stay ?  I chose to stay until The Discard, because it was the safest option for me, and my kids, but each person's circumstances are different.  If you do want to leave, or separate and have him leave the house, there are support systems to help you achieve those outcomes.  

You may also have the option to 'take a break' and try your wings on your own for a while before actually making the break, if that's what you choose to do.

[Carlachris]

Thankyou @Faith-and-Hope 
I am safe for now but I am disabled and walk with a walking stick or walker and it's so cold and wet. Especially at night. I am alone my son is grown up he is not his father.  The safest option for me is to stay as well......In hope but not in denial.
Financially we own our home. I wait for the discard. He doesn't want that he wants a dish bitch at his beck and call me ....and the sl*ts as his private property secret kinky sex life. He has admitted he is a sex addict.
That's not going to work. It is what it is ABUSE. With a new name Sex Addiction
I have put it all back on him to seek help.....he has gone for now but who knows.

if he comes home aggressive I will get in the car and leave. 
I have the Cat team triage and lifeline on my phone. But there is no real help because he is not suicidal. There is NO HELP. He skates through on the brink of madness everytime. They will only give him some calmatives because he has gone through mine and he comes home.
Yes I have a counsellor and see him on Wed.

thankyou Thankyou very much. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Carlachris ...... I hope you have made a bit of a life for yourself to the side of all the abusive behaviours - maybe a friend or two you can go to for a coffee getaway ?

[Faith-and-Hope]

👋 @Serezza  ...., this thread might provide you some more support too.

[bipolarbunny]

@Carlachris  My heart breaks for you, it truly does. If your husband comes home abusive and aggressive call the police. Abuse is abuse, the fact that he has a MI has nothing to do with it at this stage. He is clearly being a self-centred a**hole and making no attempt whatsoever to be a husband, using his MI as an excuse to justify his abhorrent behaviour is just the act of a coward.

You need to protect yourself and keep yourself safe at all costs. Put yourself and your safety first! Is it possible you can stay with your son for a bit? If things become desperate there are women's shelters the police will be able to put you in contact with. 

Maybe discuss your options with your therapist, they should be able to give you some advice re support services etc. 

I'm sorry I wish I could tell you more. I can tell you what I'd do in that situation but that isn't helpful to you. The most important thing is that you protect yourself and keep yourself safe, both physically and mentally. 

Sending you so many hugs xx

BB 🐰💙

[Carlachris]

@Faith-and-Hope yes. I do. He has destroyed all but 2 of my friendships which are long standing. I am lucky to have their love abd support. My son and his fiancé and 3 grandchildren. Restricted by Covid for now in Victoria. Once lifted I will visit my dearests. I will start again for the kids. Never in my dreams did I think I would be in this situation never ever but maybe that's what the long haul means. Stay as long as you don't break. 

He will have no one his choice again. I can't be that person anymore.  
thankyou.
I hope you and yours are travelling better than mine. 

[Carlachris]

Thankyou @bipolarbunny 

Im safe for now. I am able to stay at a friends but lockdown I can't get there as we live in the country and she is 40 mins away. Once this 5th crisis is lifted I will do that and come home to feed the animals. 2 cats and a dog. 
MI can be the most selfish soul destroying all round thing on all levels no one understands unless they have experience. I'm thankful for this forum. 
I gather strength from those who have walked the walk. 
thankyou BB.🐰

[Faith-and-Hope]

Not out of the mess yet @Carlachris .... even though he discarded me his vindictiveness knows no bounds and he has created a firestorm ..... but within the storm I am calmer than I have ever been.  The betrayal in my marriage was massive too - not a sex addiction but an affair (by someone who spoken against his father's infidelity his whole adult life ..... such a hypocrite !!) and financial abuse that has seen us in a court battle for nearly two years, and not done yet ..... financial betrayal.  And using the kids as pawns, of course ..... the NPD trademark !

I have gone back to uni studies, and I have a grandbaby, and the ex is overseas for now.  I am taking things day by day, but smelling the roses in the moment.

[Carlachris]

@Faith and hope.
Good on you for going back to your studies that’s great news. Hope your ex stays over seas for awhile. Sometimes that’s the only way.
I knew this crisis was coming with husbands mother abuser dying 92 but farout….. After 48 hrs of him driving across the country and no sleep he arrived home at 1am last night. I met him at the door with his meds in my hand. I gave him the choice either take the pills and permanently be under the care of a proper Phsychiatrist with me included in his care plan for the rest of his life and he enters a 12 Step Program or I call the Cat team right now and he dies alone one day in a Phsych unit. He after 3 yrs of this sh”t he finally took the pills.
It will be day by day and I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again but it stops here right now. The betrayal and everything else will need to be dealt with and I am no fool. It will either work or not. In the meantime I will make myself financially secure and I have taken over his bank account as he cannot be trusted with money. He can still access his money but I can see where and when it is going.
My NPD was my mother who I have discarded from my life after 50 yrs of trauma. I have walked away from her and gone no contact.
My husband father had affairs for 50 of yrs as well so the hypocrisy can run deep. Nobody has the right to use kids as pawns under ANY circumstances. Wishing you well and peace and prosperity. With that will come new life. I hope for us all.

[SJT63]

@Carlachris 

back in February I thought I was taking the last step off the roller coaster, but I'm still here

everytime I think he's broken me completely I end up coming back for more.

things are not too bad my end right now, they got a bit wild for a week or so but I stood my ground, I'm ignoring the name calling and he hasn't become violent.

Our problems are different to yours. I now go with him to the psychologist every second session and he has admitted that his libido is perhaps a "little bit higher" than most. Big breakthrough. We have agreed that I have the option to say no without tantrums - at any point, not just if I give him a couple of days warning that I may not want to for a very good reason. He has some favourite web performers and he sorts himself out in another room before coming to bed now that he knows I will not be bullied into it every night of the week.

His social anxiety and all round wierdness would never allow him to just go out and get it elsewhere. I can live with this arrangment, because now when we do it's ejoyable for me too. We don't seem to have the same problems with reaching an acceptable conclusion when I'm genuinely into it as well.

He has never just walked out - for the same reason. Also, I think if he did  he knows I'd change the locks - it's my house. He would never dare walk out on me because then I'd hold the cards. I pay all the bills with the money I earn at my full time job while he hangs around at my place making model aeroplanes. I would be a lot more secure without the expenses he brings with him so if he ever left it would be financially beneficial to me.

He always takes his pills. I email is doctors regularly with updates and early this year when it all went to hell in the handbasket I worked with the psychiatrist in changing his meds. All the counselling and all the pills in the world don't stop him boiling over about trivial stupid childish things (like the cordless drill being flat yesterday when he needed it). The me of 6 months ago would have rushed out an bought another one (with a cord) for him immediately. Yesterday I just closed the door on him until he calmed down; by which time the drill was charged.

I have always been really, really inspired by you and your down to earth attitude with regard to your boundaries... being firm with your husband but still loving him despite his frailties. Everytime I have felt that I had nothing left, nothing more to give, no way to withstand the continued attacks; you have lifted me up and given me the incentive to try again.

Thank you.