Lived Experience Forum

[Helena92]

Hey, new here.
I've very recently split with my partner of 4 years. My ex and I get on well, still see each other a couple of times a week but are taking a break to try and become independent and to explore life a bit more outside of the relationship.

Most of the time I am ok, but after living with someone for so long, going back to sleeping alone and waking up alone has been difficult. I suffer from depression and anxiety and I never realised how much of my coping relied on the comfort from another person. There's no one there if I wake up after a bad dream, or no one during the day to just give me a hug if my anxiety is taking over.

I want to learn how to be independent and happy/content by myself, but I just don't know how to get comfortable not having that limitless source of comfort that comes from another person. I don't know how to not feel lonely when im alone.

[StuF]

@Helena92 

I don't know much about relationships.

But wanted to welcome you. You've come to a good place and I'm sure people will respond with support and assistance 🙂

[Rhye]

Morning @Helena92,

I think it's really wonderful that you've reached out and shared your experience of loneliness with the community. Not wonderful that you're experiencing it of course, but I see it as an act of self care that you're looking for advice on how to be alone. This is something so many of us have struggled with at one point or another so you've come to the right place 😊

I'd like to share with you a little of my experience with loneliness after a significant breakup...I felt pretty similar to the way you've just described – I'd been reliant on this person for so much of my support with anxiety and whatever else my brain threw at me. When this relationship came to an end to be honest I felt quite scared to be alone, but eventually I managed to find a path to emotional independence.

One of the things my therapist at the time mentioned to me was to sit with my feelings. That meant that when I was feeling anxious, allow it to be there and really pay attention to the feelings that arise in my body. By doing this, which took some practice, I was able to foster self-compassion. This was huge, it meant I was there for myself when I felt sad, lonely, anxious etc. For the first time in a long time I cried (boy, did I cry), I watched all the tv shows and ate all the treats. I made friends with myself and it was pretty amazing 😊

Do you have a place in your home that you can sit with yourself and foster a feeling of safety? Maybe a sunny corner, curled up on the couch, on the bed with a pet, just somewhere that's comfortable and is yours. I'd love to hear what you've been able to put in place to help you through this tough time and what you think might work for you.

Rhye ☘️

[Gwynn]

It can be rough going through a breakup. What's helped me in the past is getting back in touch with all my friends and family, sort of spreading the load of my emotional support needs among the crowd, and also learning to love and be kind to myself, rather than my ex-partner. You might like to look into loving-kindness or 'metta' meditation on youtube. 🙂

[Tom4]

Independence is hard to find and establish especially when you have been with someone else for a long time. Trust me I know that feeling you want to feel free to go for a drive by yourself or make sure that your alright to live life but when you have relied on other people for so long, a husband or a mother its hard to find yourself in your own narrative again. This is a BIG thing for me as I have tried to escape relying on my parents but still living in their home is difficult. As I would imagine it is if you have been living with your husband for a long time and relied on each others support. If your feeling lonely there are others out here that are willing to find friendship and a coffee and chat with. 

My case manager Michelle has been helping me feel more connected with others through a government funded program called Momentum. I put in a form and am going there next Wed, the program has cooking and gardening art and just down time to watch movies and share these thoughts and make us feel less lonely. 

Home - Momentum Mental Health feel free to check it out for yourself and discuss it with someone you are comfortable with as I am only new to it we can share the experience together. Anyway your never alone 

Look after yourself

Tom 4    

[LookingHopeful]

Welcome @Helena92 

It certainly is a big change of lifestyle and am sending you love. 

I am still working on my confidence and ability to be okay as over time it has diminished significantly. Feel free to connect here and have a chat, am always here to listen ❤️