Lived Experience Forum

[Razzle]

I hate this time of year when you walk into shops and they have all the Xmas deco’s out already.  The whole lead up to Xmas is very depressing for me.  

I used to LOVE Xmas, it was always a huge deal when I was younger.

A few years into my marriage and that all changed.  My husband was hopeless about buying gifts (forgot, ran out of time, excuse, excuse, excuse) and I used to feel extremely left out.  When the kids were younger we’d be up early, they would open they’re stockings and it was all exciting.  I’d give my husband his gift, something I’d spent a lot of thought on, plus chocolates and little knick knack/gag gifts in his stocking and then I’d be preparing food all morning ready to take to our families for meals later in the day, plus getting 3 kids ready for a long day (while hubby went back to bed).  It just all seemed like hard work and not very festive, and I would recieve NOTHING.

One year, my middle child noticed me in the kitchen and came up to me and asked what Santa had brought me, I tried to keep it upbeat but I told him I didn’t get anything, I must have been naughty that year.  Then I went and cried in the shower.  I know Xmas isn’t all about the gifts, but I just never felt included, I’ve always felt like I was just the servant.  We are not a very religious family, for us Xmas is about family, but I just don’t feel a part of the family when I feel excluded.

I usually over compensate with the kids  (they are young adults now), I spend way too much money on them, but I don’t want them to feel like I do every year.  I can’t remember the last time I actually got a gift.

My hatred of Xmas became worse after I lost my middle child in a car accident when he was 9 (12 years ago).  The only joy I feel now is when I buy a gift for the Kmart Xmas Tree Appeal.  I always buy something for a 9yo boy, and for a woman my age.

The best I feel in the whole festive season is Boxing Day when it’s all over.

The shops have had Xmas stock out for nearly a month now and I’m already over it, when the carols start I’ll be wanting to tear my ears off.

Surely I can’t be the only one who feels like this??

[Jumpingcactus]

@Razzle I’m so sorry to hear about your son. That’s so nice of you to buy gifts for the wishing tree. No I don’t think your the only one that hates it. I’m dreading it myself actually. My memories of Xmas were cheerful and family orientated, however over the recent years things have changed. 

[Razzle]

@Jumpingcactus  I’m surrounded by family at Xmas but I’ve never felt so isolated and lonely.  The lead up to Xmas for me is just a depressing few months that climaxes with a real shitty day.  Another day I have to plaster on a fake smile counting down the hours until it’s over.  The best part of the day for me is when I crack a bottle of wine (the first of about 3) and drink myself stupid.

I’m sorry to hear it’s not a great day for you either.  Do you have any strategies to help you get through it all?

[Jumpingcactus]

@Razzle You sound exactly like me, my personality and depressive nature is my worst nightmare, the result is finding myself trying to get away from everyone. Not interested, not motivated. Decisions with gifts, food, activities etc are just too hard. Xmas is actually scaring me this year and it’s already on my mind with how I’m going to cope, I have no strategy. Wish I did though.

[Razzle]

@Jumpingcactus I start to dread it the

first time I walk into a shop and see the deco’s.  

Its not the best strategy, but the only one I have is to drink myself stupid by lunch time.  I also unplug social media in the lead up because I hate looking at how everyone else is so happy and excited, makes me feel even more excluded.

We used to catch up with friends for Xmas parties a lot, but after we lost our son all our friends wiped us, and we’ve never been invited since.  The first year after we lost our son we went to my sister in laws bday party at the pub a couple of days before Xmas, and our closest circle of friends were there having a Xmas party.  The look on their faces when we walked in was priceless, so guilty that they had been sprung.  I haven’t been to a Xmas party for 12 years.  It’s so bloody depressing just thinking about it.

[Jumpingcactus]

@Razzle Omg, can’t believe your friends would do that, just when you needed them the most. That would have been priceless. So sad that it’s affected your joy at Xmas. I know what your saying with regard to social media, especially on Xmas day when you see everyone having a great time while your sitting wishing the day would end. Whatever works, drinking is your firm if celebrating to null the void and the discomfort of the day, and I reckon I’ll do the same. For me, I just can’t be happy, it’s almost like a voice tells me I’m not aloud too be. I get tension headaches thinking about it. I actually avoided my work Xmas party because I couldn’t deal with the possibility of acting all happy and cheerful when deep down I’m just not.

[Razzle]

@Jumpingcactus  Yep, feel exactly the same.  

We start at my brothers for breakfast, only for the last couple of years so now all food prep is done the night before.  The kids are older now, 24 and 19 so it isn’t like years ago when we were up early opening presents.  Now we’re up early to head into town (we’re on a farm 30kms from town.)

Lunch at my In-laws, I’m the only drinker so that goes down a treat 😏. Pi$$ed out of my brain by 1pm.  Tea used to be at my parents until last year, my father died last year so now it’s at my nephews.  It is a nice night only because my nephew is engaged to my best friends daughter so I continue to have a few drinks with her.  I’m watching the clock all day wanting it to end.  Usually cry myself to sleep and then it’s finally all over.  Xmas brings me absolutely no joy whatsoever .

[Lauz]

Hi all,

I don't know if I have had the pleasure of meeting you but I am one of the Communtiy Managers here 😊 I just wanted to fly by this thread as this is such an interesting topic and I dare say you are definitely not alone in this feeling! I know alot of forum members struggle with the xmas season and it even inspired us to do one of our Topic Tuesday events on it called Is it okay to ignore Christmas? I thought I might just place that here for if you felt like a read through later. It's nice to see support around this topic - it can be tricky to navigate. 

[Razzle]

@Lauz Thanks for the link, it was very interesting to read, I’m definitely not alone when it comes to not enjoying the festive season.  Reading through other people’s posts we all share a common theme, felling lonely (even among a crowd) and the pressure to produce the perfect day for everybody else.  I lost the joy for Xmas years ago, don’t really know how to get the joy back.  Bring on Jan 1

[Former-Member]

Hi @Razzle,

I am sorry that Christmas makes you feel like this.

I can totally relate to your dislike for Christmas for different reasons for myself.

I am so sorry for the loss of your middle child. It sucks that your friends deserted you through this time, I hear your pain.

What are you planning to buy for the wishing tree this year? That is such a meaningful way of remembering him each year.

My partner has a brain tumour & we hid it for many a years. This year it has required radiotherapy & chemotherapy, I started talking about it with friends & have lost touch with many because they have stopped making contact with me, I text and rang different ones & they politely ask how he’s going and are always ‘very busy’ it has been painful to go through on top of everything else but I’ve come to realise they just weren’t true friends. 

My partner coldly reminded me last night in front of the kids that this could be his last Christmas (no pressure  😭)

For me it’s a day of not belonging anywhere with a whole step families saga.

I am so pleased for your children that they would feel so special with the trouble you go to.

I think with the mature age of your children & all the love you have shown, if they do not buy you gifts by now you should cut back the spending on them

( a small gift for them ) and buy something special or two for you.

Nobody knows you better than yourself and you deserve a special gift. 

My partner had not brought me gifts for many a year so I went and brought myself a day spa voucher that had a massage & 8 free sessions throughout the year to attend it has a spa, sauna & salt pool so he had to look after the kids for a couple of hours whilst I went. I’ll never forget it, it was the best gift I’ve ever received.

My partner has made a point since of taking the kids & they buy a present together, it’s usually a box of favourites because that’s what they like for themselves & they all dig in and eat them but I’m sure he does it because that’s a lot cheaper than me buying for myself 😉

There is no denying the lack of Christmas party invites & the month of Christmas that I check the letterbox in case of a Christmas card but they never come.

One of my children is school age so there is Christmas night at the school which I should cherish, but it’s a very tight knit community that I moved to a couple of years ago & just reinforces each year that I don’t belong there either.

I really enjoy & joined this forum because it’s anonymous but as I read these messages about Christmas it is so close to my heart I found myself thinking, 

Imagine if we could all have a Christmas party together & a Kris Kringle, there would be so much love and support in the room.

Thank you so much for sharing.

I hope it becomes a support network for us all to get through the silly season xoxo