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dhanib
Casual Contributor

I dont know why i exist

Im not young anymore. I'll be 35 soon. I have no idea why I am here. I went to highschool and did really well. I got into a major university for an advanced degree. from there i went from being one of the best to one of the worst. 

I had no friends, I had no social life, I didnt go out drinking. i didnt drink. There wasnt any internet then where I lived. I saw myself going from being strong to being incompetant. 

I was fortunate to have lived near this university. I never left home, I was never in a res. I had to take a few extra years to finish my degree but it felt like a joke. I felt like a joke. I didnt get a job. No one would hire me.

Eventually a year later i found work out of town. I had to leave home. 

For 10 years i have been in the same place. I dont have any friends, My family are always angry and upset and have their own problems. Women dont like me or pay attention to me. I am always alone. people at work think I am normal. 

2 years after I left home i tried to be social but everything blew up in my face. I was the person that no one really cared whether they joined in or not. I was a satellite. 

I always felt I would be validated by people if I wasnt alone. If was had a significant other or was married then i would be acepted. i would be like everyone else. A failed attept to connect with someone that i had genuine feelings for went south i spiralled into a very sever depression. I was diagnosed as such and went onto medication for it. I went to cognative therapy. but i found it very easy to lie to my therapist and to get positive feedback. to lie to myself and my therapist. i just needed to be ok so i wouldnt be fired. 

After a few years of therapy and medication I felt like i was improving and decided to try to connect with people again. i took my own initiatives to join social activities and clubs.

They all started out great. but eventually i was seen as the needy person full of self pity, no one wanted to be around me. i was "asked nicely" to leave one of them.

as time passed an I was trying to fit in, everyone else was trying to get promoted at work. they already fit in. they were married. they were not looking for something i was. they could now focus on their careers. I somehow forgot that that was important too.

now im in a place that hates me. I dont deserve that salary that i earn. everyone like to point it out. everyone at work likes to make me look incompetant. my specialty is so niche that i struggle to find work anywhere and when i do see openings im often not broadened enough. im trying to improve myself but theres so much, as soon as i figure out a direction it seems that its not relevant anymore and everyone else has moved onto something else.

i am not passionate about what i do.

at work im surrounded by people that dont want me there.

i go home to an empty appartment. im in close proximity to otherpeople but it like i dont exist. im a minority racegroup here. no one even says hello to me when i try to greet them. people often treat me like i dont exist. they use my parking spot. the obstruct my entrance. they always say that they didnt know anyone live there. but they see me almost everyday.

i see my immediate family maybe 4 time a year at most. but theyre always involved in their own issues. Its never the right time to bring up how im feeling. my sibling has more severe problems than me and the focus is often their well being.

I dont have much of an extended family, i have one cousin that also doesn't really associate with me much. we dont live near each other and i didnt have a whole lot in common with him to beable to hang out with him. he is married now as well and they often dont have any time for me.

i feel like i earn a salary and go home to spend it on stupid things that will discract me from being sorry for myself about failing at everything. i dont think my existance is required. I know there are many things i have acess to that i should be greatful for but that makes me feel worse. I dont feel like i deserve any of these things. no one would miss me if i was gone so why bother sticking around? my parents would probably be sad about it. i often think that as soon as they pass on i would probably end my own existance. 

i will be 40 soon.... i dont know what i would have achieved that a 20-somehting hasnt and then some.

in the few times my family does see me i feel even worse inside. they think im some hero at work and im very smart and special. but as parents i suppose it would be the parent thing to do. I know its not true. I failed at most things that were expected of me. I know they are hurt about it too. thats usually the cause of most tention in the family anyway. 

I keep feeling that if i died things would be easier.

I am not suicidal. i dont want to end myself. Im too afraid of pain to do anything. but if i died somehow suddenly i wouldnt be sad. i would be more relieved. like a student who was studying for a test that suddenly got cancelled.  

10 REPLIES 10

Re: I dont know why i exist

Oh @dhanib I don't know what to say.  Welcome to the forums. From reading what you've written and shared here, I sense you might be feeling guilt, loneliness, emptiness, disappointment and despair in the way your life is turning out.  There are so many kind  people who genuinely care here.  More people will come along and may be able to offer suggestions.  I wish you all the best.

Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: I dont know why i exist

I don’t think anyone knows why they exist maybe it was love at the time that brought you into the world @dhanib

Maybe you are missing something within yourself. Whatever you thought you might achieve you still can even at 35. I think a lot of people feel like they don’t belong. Maybe the people you say hello to just have their own things going on, it probably isn’t anything personal on you. Family isn’t always family hey, not really sure what you can to not feel all those things without it getting you down maybe try doing things that make you happy 

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hello @dhanib just wanted to let you know I read your post and am sorry things are so hard. I can identify with some of what you are saying. You are pretty hard on yourself, and lonely. The forum has helped me with both of these things. I am nearly 50, and frequently feel like a failure, but I'm working on letting go of comparisons with other people. Connecting with forum folk has made me a little more able to connect in 'real life'. The big exitential questions, like why we exist, used to plague me. I am at a point in my life where I'm willing to accept that I'll never know the answer to some questions. Looking for meaning in life can be a rough ride. I try to find comfort in small things. Thinking of you.

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hey @dhanib

 

welcome to the funny farm 🙂

 

I personally think that everyone is mentally challenged and we just happen to be especially so. 

 

I also think that it is impossible for anyone with any conscience to exist without fear and anxiety in this world were we allow folk to starve and die and go homeless. 

 

My favorite people are broken. We’re not pretending that everything is okay and we are not dragging around huge suitcases of denial and claiming to walk straight. 

 

 

I have just listened to a wonderful podcast on the ABC Conversation hour about bringing in a universal basic income. In it the fellow explained that there is a large proportion of folk in our culture who feel that their work lacks meaning. (I don’t know if that’s how you feel about your work) It turns out that having enough money doesn’t make folk stop working, but it does make them change jobs to something more meaningful.

 

I personally would rather undercharge a gardening job for a pensioner and sit down and have a cup of tea with them than overcharge a wealthy person and feel under pressure to get the job done quickly. As a result I am poor but relatively happy!

 

I have noticed that you mentioned that you will be 35 soon and 40 soon. One thing that keeps me sane is that everytime I dwell on the future and the past I like to drag myself back to today. What can I do with my life today?

 

It’s the only day that has any real effect.

 

These forums have been great for me - why don’t you stick around?

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hi NatalieS

Thankyou for taking the time to read this and reply.

Yes it is a combination of all those things and probably a lot of regret as well. regret about the wrong choices ive made in life. 

I did indeed expect to be part of something more meaningful. my actions dont really have impact on anyone. neither does my presence.

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hello Messygirl

 

Thank you for reading this message and taking the time to reply.

This even happens at work. What you are say is certainly true in a lot of cases. But i can tell when its not true as well. which is a lot of the time as well. 

I am not wanted where i am. Its a race thing where i am, not because they personally dont like me. they dont know me.

 

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hello Frog,
thankyou for reading this and taking the time to reply.
I feel like I know whats wrong and what i should be doing but im just to lazy or incompetent to be doing it. I dont know any other way of living that doesnt involve comparing myself to others. i feel like im often ignored and written off because i didnt match up to other people that were around me. so in order to be taken seriously i feel like i have to live by constantly comparing myself to others. everyone else is going to do it anyway. I do it to others. that probably makes me a more superficial person.
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: I dont know why i exist

You do sound hard on yourself @dhanib 

Re: I dont know why i exist

Hello Mulgajane
Thank you for reading the post and taking the time to reply.
I don't think the work i do makes a difference. I think i could be easily replaced by someone younger and cheaper and better than me. even if i was more productive than i am now, my work is still not really relevant to anyone.
I am not poor. but I'm by no means rich. if I stop working I will be poor. I earn a sought after salary. i can afford a house and a car. I have no debt to pay off. these are all things many people want... but I keep looking at those around me who are more successful and comparing my worth with theirs. bigger houses. multiple houses... better cars... families.... friends... holidays..... fulfilling and meaningful careers.... some of them even starting their own businesses... etc...
I get to work and have a hard time getting off meaningless and empty web browsing. I cant focus on anything for more than 5 minutes.
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