Lived Experience Forum

[Stuck333]

Hi everyone. 

This is my first ever post on any forum. 

I was in a emotional and verbal relationship for 8 years. 

We've been separated for over 2 years now and I still can't move on. I know how she treated me was abusive yet I still think of her and miss her on a daily basis. 

My mind can't comprehend after how I was abused I still have feelings for her. I feel I should hate her and trust me I've tried. 

The abuse was constant and it's ruined my self esteem and I feel unworthy of a loving relationship. I've gained weight, I no longer feel good about my appearance, I've withdrawn from ppl and have pretty much isolated myself.

She was extremely controlling  and I was terrified of doing something wrong or if it wasn't that it was something I didn't do as I knew that's when the verbal abuse would begin but no matter what, there was always something I had or had not done so the abuse was constant. 

How can I still love this person??? 

Just an example of how controlling she was, one night we had a few drinks ( I'm sure at least one of these was spiked ) but I can't prove that. 

I went to bed extremely drowsy and through the middle of the night I woke up to her trying to use my fingerprint to unlock and go through my phone. I was aware what was happening so I grumbled a bit and moved around, she thought I was waking up and stopped. I was too scared to actually let her know that I was awake as I knew I would cop it and some how it would be my fault.

I had absolutely nothing to hide on my phone and would have been more than happy to just hand it over but everything she did was devious. 

I just want to move on and be happy but I seem to be in some kind of depression and can't seem to let go of her. I just truly don't understand why I can't. 

I want my life and smile back. 

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @Stuck333 It sounds like this was a really awful relationship and I'm sorry to hear you experienced this. I'm hearing now you are left with self-esteem issues and feeling unworthy. You have mentioned being depressed but that you want to move on with your life and feel unable to. I'm wondering if you have spoken to anyone about this? It sounds like it was a really traumatic situation to be in and although it was 2 years ago, you are still suffering from that, which is understandable. 

It might be worth having a chat to someone at 1800Respect as they specialise in this area. You shouldn't have to work through this alone and you deserve support. 

Please take care,

Paperdaisy 💝

[Stuck333]

@Paperdaisy 

Thanks for responding. 

No I've never talked to anyone regarding this. 

I now am diagnosed with a panic disorder and chronic anxiety disorder. 

I find it very difficult to talk to ppl I don't know, heck I find it difficult to talk to ppl I do know. I'm withdrawing from ppl and life more and more to the point I'm worried I won't have anyone iny life. 

Even the thought of it makes me feel uneasy that's why I thought I'd try here. 

[Paperdaisy]

@Stuck333 Do you have a psychologist you trust? I have found it useful for myself. 

We are here to listen and I hope you will find the support you need here. There are many others who are going through similar things to you 💝

[Stuck333]

I tried counseling straight after I was able to leave the relationship but after a few sessions I just couldn't get involved in it so I stopped going. 

I didn't feel like I clicked with the phycologist or the process. 

Perhaps it was just the phycologist. 

I'm able to get 5 free sessions with a phycologist but after that it comes out of my pocket which I simply couldn't afford and I think my issues are beyond 5 sessions. 

I really do hope to connect with some ppl on here and at least discuss the issues. I feel it's time to get my life back and maybe I just need to talk to kind ppl and let it all out. I really don't know I feel so stuck. 

I've held it in for 2 years and haven't shed a tear. 

It's all bottled up and I need to find a way to release myself from all this ❤️

[Zoe7]

Hey @Stuck333 Coming out of any abusive relationship is incredibly hard but finding yourself again afterwards is just as hard. It does not matter whether it is two months or two years - it all has a massive impact on us. There are 2 very big things to applaud here for you though - you got out and you want to find a way forward ...and reaching out for support shows that courage and strength just as much as you needed to endure the abusive relationship. 

I fully understand that sense of having feelings still for this person - when you have loved someone so deeply it is incredibly hard to put that all in a little box and shut it away ...but that does leave us with so many conflicting feelings - how can we still have those feelings for someone that has treated us so badly? That is not an easy line to cross nor a tap we can simply turn off. There will always be inherit traits in that person that we love - those are the things we were drawn to in the first place but there are also those that have shown themselves across the relationship that have sent us into that spiral and continued to hurt us along the way. To rationalise them against each other can lead us to confusion in regards to our feelings but it can also strengthen our resolve in that we endured the worst and can therefore get through anything.

I also hear you about wanting your life and smile back - depression has a funny way of taking both and it can be a long road back ...but it can be done. Do you have a Mental Health Care plan with your GP? This would be the first port of call. You are entitled to 6 medicare rebated psych sessions and then a further 4 if needed (in a calendar year) under a MHCP. There is also counselling available through 18000 RESPECT (1800 737 732) and the SANE Support Services have phone, email and chat services available (I can personally attest to the wonderful counsellors at SANE 😁 and would highly recommend reaching out to those services). You can also connect with our Peer Support workers here who have their own lived experience. ...and of course continuing to connect right here on the forum. 

[Eve7]

Hello @Stuck333  and a welcome to the Forum where you will meet lots of kind, understanding people with lived experience.

I’m sorry that you are finding it difficult to get your happy self back. Unfortunately it doesn’t happen overnight and can take a bit of time when you have been hurst so deeply.

I hope you can find a supportive psychologist who is also affordable.

Take care 💙🤗

[Stuck333]

Hi @Zoe7 

Thank you for responding ❤️

I'm just watching tv and relaxing atm. 

If ok I'll reply and have a chat with you tomorrow? 

[Zoe7]

Absolutely @Stuck333 I am actually off work tomorrow so will be around. Enjoy your evening watching tv - I am about to snuggle up with my fur babies and do the same 🐶😺 Be kind to yourself tonight and I look forward to chatting tomorrow 💖

@Eve7 @Paperdaisy 😁

[chibam]

Hi @Stuck333 . Welcome to the forums! 🙂

It's tricky moving on from abusive relationships, isn't it? I've had a few; though none as intimate as the one you were in.

It's a major stumbling block, knowing firsthand what depths of cruelty humanity is capable of; and, in particular, what it is capable of disguising in the form of a kindly relationship. One you've escaped from that sort of nightmare, you never want to find yourself trapped in a similar situation ever again.

I've always wished that there was some sort of service that tracks down the sort of community that you want to be a part of, and then takes the necessary steps to install you into it. Ditto for uniting you with a deeply-compatable partner who, one would presume, is most likely to be a member of said community. But unfortunately, as far as I know, such a service still does not exist.😔