Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[autumnmoon]

Hello all,

What a blessing finding this forum, and all of your posts, has been. To go from feeling so alone, so confused and so hurt, to seeing that others are experiencing the same thing is such a relief.

I have quite a predicament and was looking for other's opinions. Apologies in advance if I get a little too wordy in my story....

My boyfriend - or ex boyfriend? which I shall explain in a moment - was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder. The diagnosis and all of my reading gives things over the last year so much more clarity. I feel so much for anyone experiencing what this brings to a person and their loved ones lives. It's heartbreaking to watch.

We have had an overall lovely relationship. It blossomed from a six year friendship and was off to very smooth sailings. I believed I had really found the man I was going to marry and build a life with (I am 32, he is 35). During the first 6 months I saw him struggle with depression, but it never largely impacted us or the relationship and we worked through all of his ups and downs quite quickly. I believed we were forming a great foundation for a long-lasting relationship. When early March of this year rolled around, I saw him fall in to the deepest, most crippling depression I had seen. He pushed me away, didn't engage and wasn't functioning well. Three days in to it, he called me and said we couldn't do the relationship anymore, it just wasn't going to work and he was struggling because he believed he still had feelings for an ex and felt very guilty over the way things had ended (which weren't terrible by anyone's standards). I fought for him the first couple of days and then backed off. I gave him support and kept my distance, but still engaged when he reached out. Two and a half weeks after, he came back around and started sending texts and calling, saying and showing all of the right things in words and actions: I've made a mistake, I didn't do the right thing, I should have talked to you about my problems, I should not have removed you from the equation but I was scared that you wouldn't understand and would run from me and my problems, etc. Through a lot of hard work, communication and rebuilding trust, I believed we were moving forward in a good direction.
We had the next 3.5 months of the bliss that I saw in the beginning of the relationship and the aspects of us that I craved regaining.
In the middle of June I felt a shift. He was becoming more depressed and the spells were lasting longer. He was no longer capable of functioning much in social situations, he was falling behind at work, the house would go uncleaned and he didn't have much motivation for anything. It seemed every other week he was asking for space, which I would grant, and he would slowly pick up communication again over a few days. I spoke to his mother about it, as she was the only one he seemed to communicate with, and she said it was awful seeing him struggle on and off through the depression. He was seeing his counselor and trying to do everything he could. I was as supportive as I could via text or in-person conversation; I kept his house cleaned, his laundry done and did most of the cooking for him; anything I could do to eliminate as much stress and chaos, I did. During one of his sessions, his counselor began speaking about the possibility of him being bipolar, as he was exhibiting so many symptoms. He was sent to a very attentive, well regarded psychiatrist, but as he was booked solid, he had almost a month to wait until he could finally be seen and the medication process begun (which was only just this last Tuesday).
During the month of wait, everything got worse. His anger increased. He would say things I would never imagine him capable of. He was drinking more. He wasn't doing much in the way of productivity. And he was continuing to pull away from me and keep me at a distance. Of course, throughout all of this, I was also being asked by him (and his family) not to give up on him. He wanted to get help, get medicated and then ask nicely when his head was on right to have a fresh start and forget everything that had happened and move forward. I knew it would be a tough road from things I had seen and the research I had conducted, but I was still hopeful and still very fully commited and dedicated to him and our relationship. Which I still am.
A week ago from this past Monday, I upset him in the morning and got a phone call later that night. He was saying the total opposite of everything before - I told you I can't and won't be in a relationship with anyone, I need to do this alone, I'm sick of hurting people, etc, etc, aaaaand ended the conversation by telling me he was still struggling with his feelings for his ex, that he could see something as simple as her car somewhere and it would throw him in to a tailspin and make him wonder and question everything; that he knew I was perfect for him and there was nothing wrong with me; that he could go to bed one night thinking he had everything he ever wanted with me and then wake up feeling completely different.
To say I was/am shocked is an understatement. Add to that hurt, confusion and heartbreak and it has made for a very long week of a lot silence from him (minus one 2 hour phone call) and a lot of building hurt and confusion.

Whew. After that long winded story.....

I'm looking for guidance. I'm also looking for anyone who can understand these ups and downs. I desperately want to wait for this man and to help him through, but I am also thrown by this indecision between this other woman - who cheated, his family didn't trust, has caused hell for us with her lack of boundaries and so much more - and myself, who has been there for him through so much. Through my reading I see that this can be an issue for those who suffer through BP, but I'm confused as to how it plays in to our relationship.
I'm stuck and lost and feeling very hopeless. I'm not speaking to many of my friends about it because I don't think it's my place to share this diagnosis until he is more comfortable with it. They all have a horrible opinion of him because they are missing a big piece of the puzzle with the story.

I was so thankful to find this site as I struggle through my own what ifs and what do I do questions. I am hopeful that he'll realize what he's done, as he did in March, and come back around because I truly love him and want to continue this relationship, but I'm lost.

Thank you to those who make it through that novel. This is all so tough and I don't know how to move forward or what to even think.

x

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @autumnmoon ,
Firstly, I am sending you a HUGE hug... because I have been on this rollercoaster ride too and I understand the feelings of hopelessness, uselessness, confusion and hurt all bundled up with compassion, love and hope.
Just so you know, my partner of many years was diagnosed in his mid 20's with Bipolar2, 3 years into our relationship. We have just recently turned a corner with his meds and life is almost "normal" for us again... but needless to say, the last 4 years has been... challenging.

My first advice, is look after yourself... yes, the bipolar may be wreaking havoc on his emotional state but that doesn’t mean YOU should suffer unfairly, and in regard to the ex, be careful and make sure your wellbeing is your first priority. Bipolar is not an acceptable reason to damage you or your relationship on his part. You do not deserve to come second... especially when you are standing up, prepared to walk this path with him knowing how challenging it is going to be.

Secondly, if your safety is ever in question, leave… I mean it. Particularly in relation to the anger outbursts and drinking. Sorting out meds takes a while, and often several changes are needed before finding something that works. My partner drank heavily in the beginning as a coping mechanism but as it then triggered the anger he had to stop. That was not an easy choice and he only agreed after a terrible outburst in which the police became involved (for his safety). To this day, he still doesn’t drink as he now understands the horrible depressive effect it has on him which lasts for days afterwards.

Lastly… talk to people. You may not be ready to tell your friends yet, but family and forums like this are important. You will need support. Eventually both you and he will need to tell your friends, so they too can look out for mood triggers, warning signs or just so if either of you need someone to debrief with, it won’t be a shock to them. We told our friends openly when my partner was ready. We encouraged them to ask questions, read about bipolar if they wanted and to speak up to one of us if they ever felt my partner was “off” because he often couldn’t see his warning signs himself but others around him would notice over a few days if he was swinging either way. Telling people was the best thing we did, it has brought us all closer and now if anyone is struggling with emotions or mental health, they know they can open a conversation and have support at any time, this includes me.
I would also recommend speaking to a counsellor/psychologist yourself, you will be eligible for Medicare Subsidised sessions if you let your GP know you are now a carer for someone with a mental health condition. They may be able to assist you with communication strategies, ideas for diffusing heated conversations, identifying warning signs in both him and yourself… and above all, it will give you the chance to explore how you cope with this diagnosis.

Loving someone with Bipolar is hard… but with open communication between you (perhaps with a psychologist to guide you) it can be “normal”. There have been days where I questioned what the hell I was staying for… but there have been many more days of love and laughter with my best friend who despite his condition, I would not change for the world!

I hope your partner realises how amazing you are for even considering to stay and walk this path with him, because many people out there wouldnt. And you are amazing @autumnmoon, dont ever forget that!

xx
Tigz

[Corny]

Hi @autumnmoon, @Tiggeroo has given some great suggestions, and what a beautiful partner he is. I don't have Bipolar but can I be honest.....I didn't really get the sense that you are wanting Bipolar and its behavioural consequences to be illuminated here.

To me, your post is about rejection. And love, and hope. And the question if, that rejection is directly a result of pathology, or if your guy/girl/alias's aside, digs you authentically or not.

Am I right? 

Mental illness absolutely positively %150 makes us think, feel, behave and react in irrational, ludicrous, illogical and absurd ways sometimes. 

But something that I have noticed is that some partners have a tendency to view every aspect of their lover through a mental illness lens. It's a little patronising mate. We experience authentic love. We experience authentic yearning and lust and hope just like anybody else.

My point of this post is to protect you.

Just because your boyfriend has BP, doesn't mean that he still doesn't have unfinished business with his ex. 

Rejection hurts like hell doesn't it. It takes me a long time to recover. Longer than other people.

But if you guys enter a permanent relationship, only for you to find he is thinking/wanting to be with his ex, then he will be actively rejecting you. Face on. Right in front of your eyes. Every single day.

But if you end it now, you're still rejected, and it will still sting like hell, but you won't be pickled and preserved in it like a lovely roasted fennel anti-pasto gone sour.

It would feel like - "lonely in relationship" as they say.

I would walk away now Button. 

He's gotta sort his s&*T out on his own.

We are not charity cases. I may appear weak, but I am strong gurl, you have no idea.

Corn Crisp

[autumnmoon]

@Tiggeroo
Thank you so much for your message. I've read a lot of your posts and think you're an incredible person for loving your partner as you do.

I am definitely taking on board everything you've said and am still in the phase of wondering myself if I could walk this path, if this relationship is at a point where it can be repaired. I haven't been looking after myself the last week and a half since everything crashed in to the wall, but I have a close group of friends who are looking after me and setting me back on the right path. While I know that it is important to make myself a priority, it has been difficult removing my worry and concern for him and putting myself first.

When he is angry and drinking, he retreats, but I do have my eyes out for potential problems. I've never been fearful or worried in his presence, so that is a comforting notion. Over the last few days, I've done so much reading that I'm really beginning to see the bigger picture and all the ups and downs that can come with this diagnosis and the impact it can have on so many people's lives.

At the end of the day though, as you say about your partner: this man is my best friend and I lean more to the side of wanting to commit my life to him, no matter what the struggles. I know he's going through difficulty right now and I'm trying to give him his space to sort out his feelings. If he gets to a place where he is more stable and decides the ex is better for him, then I'll let him go with love and hope she can provide the same stability, care and devotion.
Thank you so much, again, for your kind words and all of your advice. xxx

[autumnmoon]

@Corny

Oh, Corny... thank you for your message.

A lot of it STUNG, trust me, but that is what the truth does, eh? I know what you are saying and trust me, I have very much gone through all of those scenarios as well. He clearly does have unfinished business and it is something I have/do struggle with. The only reason I bring up his BP with regards to this struggle over his feelings with his ex is because of the typical indecision that I have read about with so many things. I by no means don't think his love or feelings or confusion is anything but authentic and genuine.I believe he truly is confused in all aspects of his life at the moment and not sure what decision to make going forward.

I think while rejection does play a part, I was more searching for answers or similarities from anyone else's stories. I know none of these are cookie cutter and one story that may look similar is, in reality, nothing like my own.

I respect and completely agree with most of what you said and know it is true. I think I also posted what I did because in his irrational bouts, he tends to retreat and go back to what was comfortable. He's had opportunities to be with this woman again and has chosen not to go back to her. I posted because I only see him begin vocalizing the struggle over her when he's sinking in to the very darkest places I've seen him in; he then sees his therapist, comes out of the dark spot and wants zero to do with her. I wanted to know if anyone had any wisdom or experience to impart on this topic in particular. That's all. I very much want the best for him and if he gets to a stable place and has decided she's best for him, then I would absolutely let him go with love and best wishes. I don't want to find myself in a lonely relationship, fighting against the ghost of a past love for the rest of my life.

Thank you for your message. xx

[autumnmoon]

@Faith-and-Hope

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[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks foe tagging me @autumnmoon.  I think @Tiggeroo and @Corny have both answered you really well.  Our areas of struggle are an eating disorder and personality disorder .... as yet undiagnosed .... in my hubby of 30-odd years .... long story .....

What I do want to reiterate though is that if you do stay and progress with this relationship, it is imperative for your own mental health to take the best possible care of you ..... and that can mean taking time-outs of various sorts fairly often.  This is not selfish, it’s nexessary .... mi issues are an uphill climb, make no mistake, but we remain in relationships for a wide variety of reasons.   Set your boundaries very firmly, because you will need to .... almost contractorily .... because they will be challenged, but if you can lay them in place early, you are giving the clear message that you come with these boundaries, and they need to be respected, come what may .....

Hugs, and all the best with it .... tag me any time you like. If I don’t respond straight away I am snowed under somewhere and will need to dig myself out first.... 😏

[autumnmoon]

@Faith-and-HopeI'm sorry for all you're going through and having to endure. I've read quite a few of your posts. My heart breaks for all you and your family have to bear witness to and pay emotional tax to. It's so sad and so unfair, especially the lack of a diagnosis. I'm sending hugs to you.

I am very much appreciative of all of your advice and keeping it close to me. My significant other has retreated in to himself for the time being and until he makes a decision, I'm trying to take the best possible care of myself, even if I'm failing from time to time while battling with my hurts, fears and confusion. I know it is imperative to put myself first if I do go back in to the relationship. I want to be as healthy as I can be, for not only myself, but also for him. He's my best friend and I want to see him moving in a direction of progress and healing and would commit to helping and caring for him along that path, but I'm not sure we'll ever get there. There is so much to debate and decide if/when the time ever does come.

Thank you, again, for all of your kind words. It means a great deal. xxx

[Faith-and-Hope]

You’re very welcome @autumnmoon.  While there is not a lot I can do with our holding pattern, it is quite a salve to feel that my experiences can lead to support for others .....

I will head off now.  Goodnight, and catch up with you again over a hot chocolate soon 💕

[Corny]

Hey @autumnmoon,

I think that you are an amazing partner, and your boyfriend is so lucky to have you. There is still so much stigma and fear around MI. It always shocks me the reaction I get simply from disclosing that I am in therapy. People are aghast and often blush, so can you imagine if they knew everything else. 

I feel really sorry for him. 

Like me, and a lot of us with mental illness, it sounds like he has behaved like the cliche mental health patient at times in his dealings in relationships, and hurt people. It's so awful when that happens and the shame of it all can make you even more depressed. You just feel broken. Like you are a mistake, and like you have nothing to offer, and why would any healthy person persist with you. We're hard to be around sometimes. We just are. 

You have a lot of compassion for him, it is very obvious. I'm a carer as well as having MI, so I can relate to both sides. Both of my parents have (schizophrenia) and had (Dad committed suicide, but was somewhere on the personality disorder spectrum), severe mental illnesses. Just because I have all of this life experience I still feel incompetent when it comes to coping with someone else's, so if you feel out of your depth at times so do I !!!. I still feel like I have no expertise whatsoever and it is still bewildering. 

I guess I was just a little worried that you aren't keeping your wits about you. That maybe you attribute too much to his health condition and could end up so, so hurt. Being single it is easy to assume that there isn't loneliness inside of relationships because all you can feel is the void. But I was naive, and now that I am older can see that there is a tonne of 'lonely in relationship' scenarios out there, and unfulfilled people. I just think that it would be awful for you to feel like sloppy seconds. All of us have baggage, once you get to a certain age, everyone you meet will have a history with someone else that impacts on your relationship and it can cause jealousy and insecurity. 

If that was me I would just want to be sure I wasn't sloppy seconds, and I too would definitely feel threatened by his ex. How could you not. I would be so hurt if my partner wanted to get back with their ex everytime they felt depressed and down. You said she cheated on him........sometimes this makes people want their ex more. It has the complete opposite effect than what you would expect. They're like moths to a flame, they can't resist. And find it very enticing. It's kinda like 'the chase' with another twist. 

I get the sense youre also wondering, "what on earth does he see in her?!".......but I guess, what does anyone see in anyone. People are complex. 

I know your head is probably spinning and becuase he has withdrawn there isn't much you can do about it until he wants to chat. Hopefully he isn't drinking too much. They're terrible conditions these MI's. Stolen lives. 

Hopefully broken hearts club finds a resolution. You will find it impossible not to think about it all the time until you see him.

Good luck,

corny