Lived Experience Forum

[petrichor]

TW - discusses suicide

Hi @PocketRocket88 

Your last thread came very close to my heart. Every word you wrote resonated with me, every single sentence could have been my own experience. And yet, our stories would be different. I’d like to share a bit of mine with you and hope it helps you a little.

Like you I struggle with constant suicidal thoughts.  Like you I work so hard every single day to keep safe and it takes incredible strength. Unfortunately the day came but I survived. I’m very lucky that the impacts on my physical health were short term, about a year. I didn’t recover mentally though and attempted again but I was lucky again. Something changed the last time. It wasn’t a sudden enlightenment and the thoughts and urges continue. I confronted the pain I had caused. The waves someone’s suicide create are far more reaching than a handful of people. I lost another 2 friends to suicide since my last attempt. In my own grief I saw the sorrow and pain in others. I remember the pain and sorrow my grandad caused when he died by suicide. The questions he left me with and the fracture his action created in my family.

I’m a good person. I found that when I don’t have a reason to live for myself, I still wouldn’t want to hurt others. I might not feel connected to my granddaughter in those dark times but I don’t want to hurt her and leave her with the pain. She is my sole focus then. I’m disconnected and can’t feel the pain of not seeing her grow up, laughing with her and holding her but I know it would cause her incredible pain if I died by suicide. Her pops died from covid and that’s more than enough for a little person to deal with. When I don’t want to live with myself I want to live for her. 

It is still a struggle and sometimes more intense than others, but there are moments in between where I can feel the world again. Little breaks. 

I’ve learnt to be honest with my medical care team and I’m scared about being scheduled again, but it would be better than hurting my granddaughter.

i wish you all the best and that you find support. I hope that one day you’ll get the little breaks that make you feel the world, even for a short time. 

[tyme]

Dear @petrichor ,

What you have shared is deeply felt and very powerful.

Through experience, I have also learnt to live with suicidal ideation (part of the condition), however, it doesn't mean I will act on them - they are thoughts. Thoughts come and go.

The main this is, sometimes we need to resist doing the very thing that we may live to regret for the rest of our lives.

Take care @petrichor @PocketRocket88 ,

tyme

[Former-Member]

@PocketRocket88 @petrichor @tyme @@@I did something weird it was like suicide but it was an instant moment, I’ve had suicidal ideation from time time time but as Tyme said their just thoughts, I thought my body was lob sided so I continued to stretch my muscles for some time trying to get them aligned, it’s weird but I thought by doing so I would feel straight it was a spur of the moment thing that I thought would make me happier but after about a year I stopped due to my condition depression and schizophrenia.

life goes on, these days I’m working and I don’t let the past hold me back from reaching goals. But spur of the moment things being a bit erratic and going with the flow aren’t always the right answers I hope you find your meaning, I’m still searching for mine and am seeing a psychotherapist and psychiatrist. I hope your suicidal ideation stays just that - and like petrichor said you find a deeper meaning. 

kindest regards Itsjustme1 

[tyme]

@Former-Member ,

Your post is very much appreciated.

Thank you,

tyme

[EternalFlower]

Hi @PocketRocket88 I hear Ur going through a lot and feeling really low. I myself have had chronic sucidality and have been in the Ed for this. It's really bad that staff can't step up, the services are lacking

For me personally peer driven spaces make a big difference. Ppl who have been there. I feel sometimes like I'm alone in speaking about suicidality, like I live in a different world from ppl who don't get those feelings

Maybe the line  between regular person and one who struggles with these thoughts is thinner than we think...

I'm here to listen and hope u can be here and talk more whenever u need. 

[Bow]

@EternalFlower  Just picking up on something you said… I don’t have the capacity to go back and read this whole thread…. But peer support. I think hospital emergency departments could make a huge impact if they employed peer support workers around the clock. It would make such a difference. Someone to talk to that actually understands. Knows what it’s like. To help advocate. 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Bow you articulated exactly how I feel. Peer workers are needed so badly and they're one of the only things that have helped me consistently. When the mh system disappoints me I protect myself by reconnecting to peers, who remind me my feelings matter. Encourage anyone who needs a reboot of their hope in recovery to see if they can find a peer worker in their health team.

It's sad when there are none working in a hospital.

[Christheart]

@EternalFlower 

That's true. The peer support really makes a difference in helping one hold on.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @Christheart @Christheart @Bow 

I thought there were a lot more peer workers than there actually are in the mh system

I have one now finally after asking for 6 months.

I wish eds had them too.

I wish asking for them was easier

[Bow]

My local community mh unit has a peer worker. She is lovely. She is co-facilitating the DBT program that I am currently attending and I often stay behind and have a chat with her. 

im attending a focus group for ED in a few weeks for my local area. Seems to be a lot of other medical professionals attending also, but they were after some people with lived experience to attend. I hope to be able to share some of my experiences and share some ideas perhaps…. Hopefully some change will come out of it maybe?