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18-05-2020 05:17 PM
18-05-2020 05:17 PM
My Lived Experience
At 47 years of age I am a long term survivor (over 35 years) of Childhood Emotional Neglect from a Schizophrenic mother, narcissistic abuse by a narcissistic step mother, a remote narcissistic father, resentful older sister, dysfunctional and unloving family situation, migrant family, lack of love or positive reinforcement from any adult in my childhood to counteract the negativity, Homosexual bigotry and sexual abuse while at boarding school. These traumas have caused a great many consequences such as difficulties making friends, ostracism, rejection, bullied, ignored, dismissed, exploited, low self-esteem, negativity bias, CPTSD, depression, dysthymia and anxiety. Just to discuss a small amount of the issues I deal with each day.
For the last 23 years I have been under constant psychiatric care. Prior to that it was very infrequent.
I am now at the point of giving up my psychiatrist and psychologist. My life has not changed since it collapsed completely 20 years ago. Don't listen to what they tell you! It (mental illness) never gets better. That is a lie and a myth. I have been incredibly proactive in my recovery. I have done a lot of therapy writing to understand myself. My self awareness has improved exponentially. I have spent much time working as a volunteer trying to help others.
I decided to come on to the Sane Forums after a long hiatus. Of course I could find nothing to help me on here either. Now I am ready to give it all up. I'm fed up with trying so hard to help myself.
On the other hand, during this period of the Coronavirus I have felt validated and vindicated. I am actually incredibly strong. I have sat back with a bowl of pop corn watching the whole Coronavirus unfold and enjoying almost everything about it. I loved hearing those weak entitled, privileged people complain about struggling with lock down. I loved telling them all to "Suck It Up". They have no idea about struggle. It is exactly those kind of people who, when my life collapsed 20 years ago, were telling me to "Suck It Up" I had to deal with their ignorance, biases, stigma. Other than the great satisfaction I have felt during the coronavirus, I have been saddened by the deaths and financial collapse of the vulnerable. But on the plus side there have been a lot of unkind exploitative people who have financially lost it all. That cheers me.
Now I am not an unkind person, in fact I am incredibly kind and generous. But, I've had enough of my life being in limbo particularly for the last 20 years.
Thank you for reading.
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18-05-2020 07:39 PM
18-05-2020 07:39 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
Hi @Former-Member, welcome back to the forums and thanks too for sharing your positive story of recovery. It sounds like you've put a lot of hard work into your mental health and have also had an opportunity to give back to the community. I can only imagine how rewarding and satisfying that must be.
So, the reason I'm popping my head in as I saw in your post that you were hoping to find support in the forums and were disappointed that didn't happen. We understand how the forums can sometimes meet different people's needs at different times. We value our members' feedback and are always open to working to ensure the community gets the most out of them. Our email address is team@saneforums.org if you'd like to get in touch.
Take care and enjoy the rest of your night.
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18-05-2020 08:08 PM
18-05-2020 08:08 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
@Former-Member have you come across the writings of Suzette Misrachi?
Grief over an illusion of a functional upbringing
https://medium.com/@suzette.misrachi/the-parents-who-never-were-b59f9c6246ee
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18-05-2020 08:27 PM
18-05-2020 08:27 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
Whether intentionally or not I think you've misunderstood. My post isn't a "positive story of recovery". I am no where near a recovery. I am just going to give up. I've had enough of trying to recover. It's been 35 years. Recovery is a fantasy! A myth!
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18-05-2020 08:28 PM
18-05-2020 08:28 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
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18-05-2020 08:29 PM
18-05-2020 08:29 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
@Rainforest Whether intentionally or not I think you've misunderstood. My post isn't a "positive story of recovery". I am no where near a recovery. I am just going to give up. I've had enough of trying to recover. It's been 35 years. Recovery is a fantasy! A myth!
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18-05-2020 08:30 PM
18-05-2020 08:30 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
@Jo-anneJoy Thank you, I will take a look.
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18-05-2020 09:37 PM
18-05-2020 09:37 PM
Re: My Lived Experience
Hey @Former-Member I'm sorry I misinterpreted what you were saying about your recovery, although I did hear that it has been long and challenging at times. As you probably know all too well that recovery is a personal journey and there can be times when you feel disillusioned (it sounds like this may well be one of those times) and frustrated that your idea of 'recovery' hasn't been met...I totally hear you.
I guess what I'm saying is that other forum members may have had a different experience of recovery and it's important to keep in mind where others might be at on their own individual recovery journeys.
Thanks again for sharing your story and it's great having you as part of the forum community.
Take care and enjoy the rest of your night.
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19-05-2020 07:08 AM
19-05-2020 07:08 AM
Re: My Lived Experience
I have always needed to believe that MI and MH stuff can and does get better. If I thought it couldn't (which I have seriously doubted at times) I would have given up a long time ago. Over time I can see that for me, and many others I know, it has become better (or maybe that living life with MH challenges has). I hear you when you say that isn't your experience though.
Something that stood out to me in your post is the part about feeling validated watching the coronavirus situation unfold for others. I'm not an unkind person either. Like you I am very kind and giving. But there is also a part of me that has appreciated the validation too. I see people struggle in ways I have struggled for a long time and really hope it's created some empathy there. I see people being temporarily stripped of things I have lost (and may never regain) and hope that in a way it's taught society a lesson. I hear people talking about things I have lived with and experienced with very little understanding from others, and in a way I kind of roll my eyes and hope that finally, maybe people might start uunderstandig. I've felt twisted at times thinking the way I have, so I appreciated reading your thoughts and experience of it. I guess I just wanted to say thanks for sharing so openly and honestly.
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19-05-2020 09:23 AM
19-05-2020 09:23 AM
Re: My Lived Experience
@CheerBear Thank you, it does help to be heard and understood which rarely happens.