Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Within a sea of regrets there is 1 that will always stand out amongst the rest. I know I self destructed our friendship, I know it was my fault. I was a different person back then. Anger controlled me and everything I did and said. I didn't have a healthy understanding of emotions and feelings or how to deal with them. I'm working on it. I'm learning. It's a long process though.

You were my family, my friend, my best friend, you breathed life into me just by being you. You and your family showed me love, kindness, things that I didn't have in my own home. I really looked to you all as my second family, the family I wished I'd had, the family I loved. I miss you all, terribly. Yes, I loved you, I did. Maybe I still do. Maybe a part of me always will. But it's been a long time and I still haven't figured out what you meant to me, or what you still mean to me. I know it hurts when I think of you, or dream about you. Pushing you out of my life is the biggest regret I have, biggest mistake I've ever made.

I can't remember exactly when our friendship fell apart, I know we had a lot of fights before it ended, and it dragged on a while. But I can't place the moment where I lost you. I know I said a lot of shit, I know it probably hurt, and I'm sorry for that. Maybe what I said was warranted, but not the way I said it. I never did know how to express feelings or talk about them.

I know now how rare our friendship was, if that's all it was. I know whatever it was we shared was special, once in a life time kind of stuff. I miss everything about you and us. I miss it a lot. And the truth is I've never stopped thinking about you. I guess I can admit it now that my marriage is in the shi*ter. But, I'm not sure I ever let go of you, I know I didn't. I should have, and I tried. I got rid of everything that reminded me of you until it was like you never existed. Now that's another regret I have.

I've reached out to you over the years and I don't blame you for ignoring me. I don't blame you if you hate me and never want to hear from me again. Anything you feel would be justified. I wish I could tell you all this. I wish we could talk again. I wish I could see you again. I miss you, after all this time I still miss you. I will always miss you and I will always remember you and our friendship. You saved me without even meaning to. You meant everything to me. I loved you, I'm sorry I never said it. I'm sorry I hit self destruct instead of facing it. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I'm sorry for all of it. I will always regret losing you. Always.

[Sophia1]

hello @saltandpepper 

I don't believe that we have met yet as in conversing on a thread.

I am Sophia.

I hope that you do not mind my interrupting your tender expression of thoughts.

I also hope that you are in a safe place.

I do hope that this is a letter to self to help release some of the heavy pain that you have been carrying.

I hear the heartache and can read the honesty of your expression.

Opening up about such pain is extremely difficult to do.

I also believe that it is much harder for the majority of males depending on the values and beliefs that they were taught within the family environment.

This very act of putting words to virtual paper is a step forward in helping you.

I am not referring to the content or the people you are writing about.

I am referring to the real You.

I sincerely believe that you are very courageous.

You might regret past actions, statements. The majority of humans on this earth have all said or done something that  they regret. A high percentage of the majority are not able to admit this to themselves let alone voice the regret.

Many people are not able to say the word sorry also.

I am also not going to insult you by trying to tell you that it will get better in time.

You possibly will be able to feel about the  whole situation from a different perspective having told your story.

We humans do not have the insight or capability of knowing what tomorrow brings.

We can gradually learn to think about the yesterdays as our past; not our now; as we learn to live in today.

There is no judgement whatsoever about the content.

I hope that you are not punishing or judging yourself too harshly.

The next human response being self -judgement.

Please understand that I am not attempting to diminish the intensity of your feelings of experiences of which you have written about.

Quite the opposite.

I cried when I read your words as it brought up past feelings of my own experiences, different to you; as all experiences are different for everyone.

Your opening up so deeply has touched my heart.

I read how you think of yourself.

I  do not know you.

From what I read, I feel that you are a beautiful, loving man who is so very brave.

I hope that you do not delete this. Something that I have done in the past.  Self-doubt.

Lastly please dont let this be a farewell letter.

I implore you to be very  gentle with yourself as you start each new day, allowing those raw, tender feelings to heal.

I am going to ask a moderator to check in with you because you have every right for people to care about you and learn to value yourself more.

Apologies if I have this all wrong.

Sophia

@Former-Member 

Can you please check on @saltandpepper 

Thank you

[Sophia1]

Hello @saltandpepper 

I am so very sorry.

I have just read that you are fine on other threads.

I will delete my response.

Just totally ignore me

I feel terrible.

[Sophia1]

Hello @Peregrinefalcon 

I feel so  terrible now.

Can you check with SaltandPepper if he wants my responses deleted.

I have probably made him feel worse.

I feel other's pain so strongly and I should just keep out of it.

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Sophia1 no need to apologise at all, I found everthing you said to be relevant and helpful, so thanks for sharing with me.

Thanks for your concern, and yes I am doing alright thank you. Just reflecting on things as I often do. Getting things off my chest. Finally saying things I've been wanting to say. Thank you for reading my post and for your very kind response

[saltandpepper]

Nah all good here @Sophia1 @Former-Member 👍

[Peregrinefalcon]

Glad to hear it @saltandpepper and @Sophia1  ❤️ 🙂 

[Sophia1]

Thank goodness you are safe @saltandpepper 

Keep on writing.

I promise not to interrupt.

I can see that you have a lightheartedness on other threads.

Thank you

Sophia

[saltandpepper]

Oh hey @Sophia1 Im happy you dropped some support here, no need to applogise for that!

Yeah it's all good @Sophia1 had a dream about this girl last night and it always hits me again when I wake up, thought id writw it out. Have been keeping it squashed down for a long time

How are you getting along?

[frog]

Hey @Sophia1 you did a good thing, responding from the heart out of concern for someone. You are a good person!

Good on you @saltandpepper for putting it down in words. Ur stronger than many as a lot of people can't reflect on that kind of loss.