Lived Experience Forum

[Jilly]

I posted for the first time yesterday. I'm doing it tough at the moment. I really want to leave, it's ok, I can't and won't, I have animals that need me, that have also suffered in life. Interesting that I value the health and mental health of my animals (I have a rescue dog that was abused, and I will not leave until he goes) that I feel for more than I feel for myself. I cannot leave, my partner lost an older brother to suicide before I met him, so that effectively rules out leaving for me, cos I cant leave him to suffer again in this manner. As usual, I'm at the bottom of my care list. I'm Jilly

[Bow]

Hey @Jilly  hope you can keep yourself safe and can access some supports if you need to today? Lifeline or the suicide call back service would be available today if you needed some additional support. 

[Jilly]

Hey Bow, When I finally get my story down, people will understand. I don't have any friends, I never have. I live most of my life in isolation. Just grateful to be able to write to someone, God I'm so strong, having lived like this for well over 50 years. I actually phoned Lifeline once a couple of years ago, feeling much the same, and the lady on the end of the line, didn't know what to say to me, couldn't believe what I've lived through, and in the end was only concerned that I wasn't going to do anything rash the minute she hung up. I thank my animals for saving my life over the last 7 years. I take in injured and orphaned wildlife, and so long as I have a precious life to save, I won't do anything to end mine. So animals have truly saved my life. This will pass eventually, it comes and goes something like a roller coaster, as you all probably understand. Thankyou for giving me an out for some of my dark despairing thoughts. Jilly

[Appleblossom]

@Jilly The forum can be a way to be real and be heard.  There are so often pressures on us to deny our own experiences.  Glad you have met @Bow 

I have often had a similar mindset and thought about "leaving" and going".  I think it shows that the difficult despair and thoughts of release when it is all over have been frequent enough to become normalised into everyday language.  Like you I have strong reasons to stay.

Take care

Apple

[NatureLover]

@Jilly  I really feel for you...I have had a lot of SI (suicidal ideation) in my life, including 3 suicide attempts before I was 22 (I'm 50 now). 

Can I ask if you have any professional support? Like a trusted GP, counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist? 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

[Jilly]

NatureLover, did you see the post I put up about 15 minutes ago? Would be typical if it's been lost and I have to re-write it. Jilly

[Jilly]

Hi NatureLover, 

I've been edited, so I can't post my realities. What else is new. I'll go away and keep it all buried where it's been festering for most of my 62 years. Jilly

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Jilly 

Please know that it is not our intention here to silence anyone's story, but to instead protect our community from graphic descriptions of abuse that can be triggering to others and painful to re-live for the author. 

This is a story you have kept to yourself for many years and I want to you to be able to tell it - just in a way that protects all of our members here. 

I can appreciate how frustrating this can feel and for that I am really sorry 

Take good care of yourself 🌻

Peregrinefalcon

[LostAngel]

hi Jilly Please know you are welcome here, please keep reaching out and personally I think that its good of you to be taking time to care for your pets ,please focus on you aswell though , is there anything that helps you with self care? or to feel calmer within yourself ? for example reading books, listening to music, going for a walk ,Journaling, Gardening or Painting? just some ideas ❤️🤗☮️

[Jilly]

In watering down my experience (which was only one of many, many and many more) it pretty much silences it. It doesn't matter what I do now. I've managed to stay alive for almost 62 years, without help. And I don't want to make it hard for anyone else, so I'll shut up and get back in my box where I've always belonged. I'm both a wild life carer and an artist, and neither of these help with my past and present realities