Lived Experience Forum

[Stephanie]

Hi,

I am very new to this site, but have a lot of hope that it can be a great resource for me.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about 12 months ago, and like a lot of people say, it bought a lot of relief and answers to my behaviours and emotions. 

Prior to this diagnosis, I was told I had bipolar, and was medicated for it. That was 4 years before the diagnosis of BPD. I had a substance abuse problem at the time of the bipolar diagnosis, and was told I had to come clean before then could properly diagnose me. 4 years later, I did that, and then came the diagnosis of BPD with the explaination that the whole time they did think it was a personality disorder, but stuck to bipolar for, well, I don't know why. The medication that came with the bipolar diagnosis helped, as did the diagnosis itself (although wrong), but now I am living with a different diagnosis and trying to get off the medication slowly but surely. I understand that there is no medication treatment for BPD, but there are therapies and strategies that I am inundated with.

I have been told there is a spektrum when it comes to BPD, and I am quite low on this scale. If anything, I just experience all emotions, positive or negative, very intensely, all my emotional reactions are extreme, sometimes to the point of being manic. But this is also managable; so I've been told.

Although I have been seeing a psychologist on a regular basis, I am finding it hard to now live with the illness. I question everything I do, every reaction, every emotion, every word I say, I analyse everything to work out "is this me, or is this the BPD?" "Is this something I can improve through therapies, or is this just a part of my personality?"
A lot of the time I am left deflated, lonely, confused, emotional and lost. 

6 months ago I went through a brutal breakup (Christmas Eve) which has made my situation so much harder. I am still struggling with acceptance and moving on. I feel I am holding onto hope that doesn't even exist.

Although now, I am functioning and my moods are alot more stable than a few months ago, I still have anxiety/panic attacks and overwhleming emotions that are triggered from what seems like the smallest things. When I experience these heightened emotional states, I am overcome with depression, guilt and helplessness. 

I guess I have wrote this to reach out to people who may be, or have in the past, experiencing the same thing. I feel my mental heath, and current mental/emotional mind frame could improve and benefit very much from having connections with people who can relate and understand what it's like to live with BPD.

[outlander]

hello @Stephanie and welcome

I have BPD too so can relate to some of what you experience especially the mood changes and experiencing all emotions rather intensely even over the minor things. it can be so hard to manage but there are ways to help yourself.

to be honest medications aren't the end all and be all however a lot of medications treat symptoms rather then cure anyway. For bpd medications that come under mood stabilisers may be of help and could be worth speaking to a psychiatrist about.

There are soooo many different therapies out there, DBT though seems to be quite good for those with bpd as well.

[Stephanie]

thank you @outlander
the medication I am taking from the misdiagnosis of Bipolar is a mood stabilizer, but have been advised to get off it as it's not the right treatment for BPD. I have been working with DBT with my psychologist for the whole 12 months now, and although there are some very good and interesting points about it, I feel I struggle to implement the therapies when they are needed most.
As crazy as it sounds, but I feel I've forgotten everything I've leant in DBT. My memory is shocking as a result of substance abuse for so many years, but I'd like to think 12 months of DBT would leave some kind of imprint, but I feel it hasn't.. maybe it has, and I'm just having a bad day which makes it easy for me to be negative and not acknowledge the progress I have made.
I am feeling quite confused and lost today!

[outlander]

it does sound like a tough time @Stephanie
no it doesn't sound silly that you've forgotten the content of dbt and also struggle to implement them into your life when you need to.
Implementing them is something that I struggle with too even when I know what I should be doing.
I haven't done DBT myself so im probably not to much help with it.
happy to listen anytime though.


@BlueBay @Sans911 may be able to offer some advice as well

[Stephanie]

@outlander thank you, you're kind words and understanding are really comforting. Having someone relate and understand what I'm experiencing is such a support. I haven't felt this level of understanding ever, and I now feel overwhelmed from the support. Dam emotions!!
Thank you so much.

[Sans911]

Hello @Stephanie and welcome to the forums.

Like @outlander I was diagnosed with BPD, but I'm much older than her. I was diagnosed at 45 (5 years ago), and also was misdiagnosed with bipolar to start with.

While there aren't specific medications for BPD, some medications can help with some of the symptoms. Like depression, anxiety and mood swings. And don't be too hard on yourself about not using your DBT skills. It takes learning and using them over and over repeatedly to get used to them. Also it's a good idea to keep practising your skills when you DON'T need them so in time they become ingrained and second nature.

I'm not trying to be critical, but it sounds like you've got yourself hung up on your diagnosis, how it presents for you, is every emotion BPD, and living with BPD is consuming you. It's understandable you feel lost, confused and hopeless. You aren't your diagnosis, and it is only a label. You are much more than BPD, and you have unique and amazing qualities besides your diagnosis. I like to think that there are many positives to my personality besides BPD. I'm warm, caring, creative, funny, and helpful. My BPD explains why I have mood swings and have trouble regulating my emotions. And my BPD is a direct result of childhood trauma, neglect and not forming healthy emotions & coping strategies as a very young child.

I'm like you now, in that my moods are more stable, I am so much more aware my triggers, and can act earlier to help myself cope with difficult emotions and challenges.

One of the things I do daily that help is to keep a mood record. I use an app for this called Daylio or you could journal or bullet point your day. When I record my daily mood I average out what my mood has been. It's been of great benefit to help me see a trend of my mood swings.

Learn what are your triggers as well, because once you understand those, you are on your way to implementing coping skills earlier to stop those emotions becoming overwhelming. Your psychologist might be able to help you with some coping skills and learning about your triggers. But if you do a search through these forums there's loads of discussions about DBT and coping strategies.

And you have nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. Things happened to you outside your control as a child. You developed coping strategies that helped you at that time because you couldn't express your needs or have them met. But as an adult, you can understand now how unhelpful some of your coping strategies are, and develop better ones to help you lead a much more enriching and fulfilling life. Yes, there's no 'cure' for BPD, but you can actually grow out of the traits you had. And life can be OK, even good.

Take time to grieve your relationship breakup too, as it's a loss of attachment and love. Those with BPD often feel abandonment profoundly. In time, you will heal from that relationship and be ready to be hopeful and trusting.

Feel free to tag me anytime you want to chat, ask questions or just say hi. You've got this, and you reached out, so that's a huge step in your journey. Just take it one step, one breath and each day at a time. Don't plan too far forward just yet.

[Stephanie]

thank you @Sans911 your words of support are really appreciated. I am really thankful that you and @outlander have responded to my post, and like I've mentioned to her, the understanding and able to relate make such a difference.
I have been told by my psychologist to practice the skills even when I don't need them, to ingrain them, just like you said. I guess this is something I need to remind myself to do regularly.
To be honest, I think I am hung up on the diagnosis side of things. That's why I question everything I do, think or feel.
Thank you for the suggestion of Daylio, I will definitely start using it. For many weeks now, I have been recording a video diary on my laptop, but I haven't gone back though to watch them to take note of any patterns with my moods or mental health. I had intentions to when I started, but over time it just became an avenue to release feelings and thoughts.
I feel I know my triggers pretty well, but I find it hard to use and incorporating DBT skills. I find it hard to help myself, especially in times of need.
This post has already been so helpful. It's such a relief to speak with people who truly understand.
Thank you so much, I am really grateful for your words, advice and understanding.

[Sans911]

We've all been, or are continuing to be in your position @Stephanie. It's okay to feel the feelings you have, and I still have many times when I've not used my skills and became overwhelmed. Every day is a chance to try again to learn, grow and develop.

Feel free to reach out here when your not sure what to do, what skills might help, if you're not coping. @outlander, myself and others can help you a lot so it makes it a little easier.

Sometimes though if you're too distressed, feeling suicidal or feeling so triggered and wanting perhaps to self harm, then it's probably better to reach out to a helpline or your mh team. We will certainly support you here, but we're limited in the help we can give, and much depends on our own individual situation at the time.

There are moderators always in the background watching over this site, and they will email you if it seems you are in distress.

Any member here can also tag a moderator for any else that they are concerned about and that person will get a check in email from a moderator to see how they are and if they need further assistance.

And take a look around the forums too, if you've not done so already. There are many discussions that aren't so 'heavily' mental health based, like threads on cats, dogs, birds, butterflies, crafts. There's a Good morning thread, night shift, Friday Night Feast, Saturday Soiree, and lots, lots more. You can join a conversation anywhere, anytime. Even though some threads might look like they are started by a member or they are there a lot, no one owns a thread. It's just sometimes that's where they hang out a lot. It often feels 'safe' for them to be there.

Can you tell me a bit more about yourself? Without being too identifiable of course. Maybe 3 things about yourself? Which state are you in (not town, but you can say southern, eastern, etc)? Do you have pets?

I look forward to further chats with you. 💕 💕 💕

[outlander]

im really glad your finding being here supportive @Stephanie
I can already see @Sans911 has give some amazing advice so I don't really have much extra to add atm but will still be here.
looking forward to getting to know you more

[saharagirl]

I can relate to this. I've been diagnosed with bipolar and BPD, but it took a lot of effort to get to this point. And the doctors were back and forth on the diagnoses at the time. It took years to work out I have both, but if there is a spectrum for BPD I would be at the lower end of it. I do DBT and have done for a few years at some level or other. I've found it hugely helpful. In the beginning I couldn't remember the skills either, but with practice and a good psychologist it gets easier. I also use the Daylio app and couldn't recommend it more, I've been using it for a couple of years and have made it a habit which helps track my mood and activities.