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Something’s not right

Nugget20
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Dating a guy who is depressed and has many issues but wants space from me because I make him feel pressured.

I’ve been seeing this guy and we both like each other very much although we’ve never been exclusive. He’s always said that he likes me but can’t do relationships. Never gave a reason why but he believes that he will “die alone” and never be in a relationship. All his past relationships have ended very badly. His first serious long-term one ended with his ex marrying straight after they broke up and his recent one ended when his ex slept with his cousin. It was the revelation about him almost committing suicide that led him to get cold feet with me the following morning. Out of the blue he wanted to stay friends with me but I told him I can’t. He tried to make me change my mind by asking if I could use time instead of deciding straight away. Later he admitted that he needs time. Now he hasn’t been ready to talk to me after almost 3 weeks. He kept saying that he will talk to me when he is ready; he needs more time.

I gave him an ultimatum and he didn’t take it well as expected. He told me he feels pressured everytime I talk to him and that he can’t do this anymore. So I said to him that it’s his call anyways. I started to express my concerns that I’m only checking up on him because I truly care about him and that he hasn’t been himself; he’s having a relapse (smoking after 10 years, drinking and doing drugs). I also couldn’t give him proper space because he never gave me a reason why he needed space. When we initiated the no-contact, he didn’t sleep for more than two days and spiralled out of control.

So after I mentioned that he hasn’t been himself, he admitted that he’s going through a rough time and that he doesn’t want to drag me down with him so that’s why he can’t talk to me yet. He also said that he likes isolating himself and doesn’t like reaching out to people but kept reassuring me that he will talk to me again when he is ready.

I’m at lost now because I feel bad for triggering him and being one of the main reasons for his depression. I also feel trapped because he doesn’t want me to leave but is pushing me away. He did it again when he said he thinks that we should go our separate ways and when I agreed, he immediately changes his mind reassuring me that he will talk to me soon. Completely disregards it. I truly love and care for him but he’s pushing me away and I don’t know want to do now? How long should I give him space? Do I check up on him again because I am really worried about him?

1 REPLY 1

Re: Dating a guy who is depressed and has many issues but wants space from me because I make him feel pressured.

Hi @Nugget20

 

just read your post and you have a frustrating and complex situation 

 

if I were in your situation I would phone ‘Life Line’ to get advice and talk it through - esp because you had mentioned elements of suicide I think for your own peace of mind and general safety of the whole situation some qualified advice would be good 

 

I think Life Line would suggest some good next steps 

 

hope you find a direction and next steps that are right for you 

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