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Something’s not right

Re: Feeling like a loser

Yep, I think we are in it for the long haul now, @Bluetoo, and I'm more than content with that now too. I feel lucky in many ways. 

Really sorry you are having so many mixed feelings while being intimate with your husband. And yet understandable for sure. Have you thought of not having sex for a while, so that you can maybe sort things out inside yourself with the help of a counsellor, and take a bit of time out for yourself to heal?

Re: Feeling like a loser

@Mazarita

I’ve thought about it but then I get pissed because I enjoy it. Maybe the therapist will tell me I should try that. I don’t know. But I feel like I’m punishing myself for something he did. 

Re: Feeling like a loser

But then those feelings when you are intimate, @Bluetoo. It's surprising that this is a part of your experience that I relate to as well. I was with a man for some years and he was always too rough for me and kind of lacking in sensuality. But I stayed in that state for all those years because I loved him. I also felt kind of abused and went on feeling that way throughout. That may also be part of my troubled sexuality though too, feeling that extremely about it. My relationships have often gone wrong on that level. But anyway eventually it had to stop because it didn't solve itself. However, it seems like, in your case, your feelings while intimate are being triggered by your current feelings of trauma about being betrayed. And so it's your feelings that may need resolving before it can heal and be okay again. Maybe?

Re: Feeling like a loser


@Mazarita
Yes. You’re giving me something to consider. Maybe I’m not being true to myself. I think in the back of my mind I’m also worried if I say no it’ll be all that much easier to go back to those places. But I guess if it’s that easy for him to break trust again that would be my answer. 

Re: Feeling like a loser

Could be, @Bluetoo. Just thoughts though. Also, I'd probably ask myself if I could live with that kind of infidelity, if I could ever adjust to it. That's if I really wanted the relationship. I might try to be okay with it. Part of me thinks sex is only sex. But I can imagine how hard it would be, especially if being true in that way is really important to you. It is to me too really, but I may try to bend with it under some circumstances. Not sure really, it's possible though in my case. But that's just me, we are all different.

 

Re: Feeling like a loser

@Mazarita

Yes. I am wondering if I will ever be ok with it. And if I won’t be ok with it, will I be ok with not being ok with it. lol 

I can’t imagine myself with anyone else though. And the life we’ve built is the life I’ve always wanted. Why should I lose out on that too?  

I also think that true love will fight. Never give up. (Within reason of course) But I never thought I’d be a forgiving betrayed woman. I always said that it’d be over if that ever happened. Well, I guess I’m a liar. 

I think I have always been such an idealist/romantist. I’m wondering if I’ve been lying to myself all these years to make a fairytale. I don’t know what’s true anymore. He was always my hero or my rock. 

But if he truly is done with that stuff, I think I can be ok with it. But how do I ever really know if he’s telling the truth. I feel he is. But I also felt he’d never cheat on me in the first place. 

I wish I could be matter of fact about it all. My heart always feels like it’s going to explode. I don’t know if I can take it much more. But I’d also be a mess if he was not in my life anymore. I can’t win. Hence the feeling of wanting to die. 

Re: Feeling like a loser

Maybe there's a way to find peace within yourself regardless of what's happening on the outside, @Bluetoo. Just throwing more thoughts around. Like, do you get into nature much? What are your interests? I get a lot of meaning in my life from creativity. I know I'm hopeless with breakups, have actually gone a bit crazy-manic in the way I've lived during those times, and suffered a lot of mood swings. But I have bipolar too. I remember too that being single gave my life a lot more external interest, since I was no longer focussed on one person. Not to encourage you to be single, but just to suggest that it might not be as bleak as you think. Like maybe it's just like this now, it's likely to change, it seems to me, and that can be for the better. Hearing what you are saying though about how you are living the life you always wanted. Except there's something tough to get through now and decisions to be made, but maybe not all at once anyway.

Re: Feeling like a loser

@Mazarita

Ya. I guess I’ve never been ok with indecisiveness. I have always just made decisions and then lived with them. This is totally different though. I’m not comfortable with up in the air stuff. 

Re: Feeling like a loser

And I’m not comfortable with being uncomfortable. Hahaha

Re: Feeling like a loser

I've made fast decisions in the past too, @Bluetoo. Can't say I fully regret them, but there are some aspects of regret there. Like if I could have tolerated more uncertainty, things might have worked out. But in this situation over the past fifteen years, I have stuck around and so has he, even through tough stuff. We came close to parting ways a few times, all were early on. Friendship to me is the main part of a relationship. But I know others might disagree. Usually I measure things now by 'is that being a good friend?' This is all just me raving on about my stuff in a way though. Smiley Tongue

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