Lived Experience Forum

[Dark]

I can’t be fully honest with anyone.  I miss my affair partner (it’s been almost 2 years) because I at least felt accepted for being the f***ng monster that I am when we were together.   

[Teej]

Hey @Dark,

its really hard trying to piece together life after separation. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve managed to have kept my kids although I lost two for a while. I found it so strange at nights too when I was first on my own. I’m ok with it now. It took a couple of years to get to this point though. 

Have you got got any support in the form of a psychologist that you can talk honestly with? 

I can see how hard and hopeless you are feeling. Please keep reaching out. I know it’s hard to do but you will always be your kids father and a great one from the sounds of it. They need you! 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Dark and welcome to the forums.  

There are others here faced with Bipolar challenges ..... you are not alone in the struggles.

We have a thread called Night Shift that is often active across the night hours and you will find others to chat with there.

Often we need to take things hour by hour to get through the hardest moments, and having others to walk along with us can make a real difference.

If you want to respond to anyone in particular, stick an @ in front of their user name like I have with yours, and they will receive a notification linking them to your post.

Feel free to ask questions to help you find your way around.  

[Dark]

Thanks so much for the response.  Yes, I see a counselor and a psychiatrist.   That said, psychiatrists in the states are essentially drug dealers.   I am also in a 12 step and a men’s group, so I am generally able to communicate pretty openly.  

Thats what I am holding onto right now... I am a really good father.  That’s also what is making life so difficult.  I slept with my four year old every night.  I coach my 9 year olds soccer team.  My oldest is 13.  All I can think about is how hard it is to be 13 to begin with, and that my actions and the fact that I am out of the house is only making that harder.  We initially did a one month separation and met Thursday to do a pulse check.  I really thought I’d be home now,but she wants another month.  It’s just this crushing feeling that the light at the end of the tunnel just got further away.   What if she feels the same way in a month?   I’m staying in a glorified crack house and don’t want them to see this place.   They just went back to school....fourth grade and eighth grade.  My youngest starts pre k in a couple weeks.   They need me at home, but even stronger is my need to be there with them. They give me strength and are my reasons.  My actions led to the separation, but that doesn’t also mean that my wife is flawless and without her own side of the street to clean up.  All that said, there is nothing I wouldn’t agree to right now to be with them.   

[Former-Member]

G'day @Dark, Spike one of the moderators here, I just wanted to post in the thread to say thanks for responding so promptly to my email 🙂 you did it before I had posted on here to say that I was sending one to check in. Glad you've found our supportive online community, from all the way over in Texas, USA. Welcome to the SANE forums 🙂 

[Dark]

It’s also very hard that I can’t talk about the bipolar piece with my wife.  The diagnosis and the fact that I am on medication is hard for her and is a trigger for her.  I guess I can see where that would be hard information to receive and live with after 17 years of marriage, but I also feel like she’s not thinking about how hard that was for me to hear at 41 years old.  I think I did the right thing by immediately following up and taking the medication and just want to be open about how I feel sometimes.  The hardest bit to swallow is that it isn’t my fault.... I find a way that I cause everythkng, but there is nothing I did that led to being bipolar.  

[Dark]

Off topic, but Spike is a pretty badass name.  

[Teej]

😖🤯🤭🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😣😩😰🤐🚧:bomb::pill::tumbler_glass:🎢🌡🚫🏺

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Teej ...... 💜💜💜

[Faith-and-Hope]

I expect you won’t be up for a while @Teej ..... but I will be looking for you.

💜💜💜

 https://www.google.com.au/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/PourPainting/comments/7zscgv/acrylic_marker_flowers...