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Something’s not right

Findingmyway
Senior Contributor

I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

I am currently going through a tough time. My husband says its fine. Everythings fine. But its not. There are things im thinking that are not good. I will try to start a conversation about it and he asks if ive taken my tablets. Im actually feeling like id rather leave him with our faughtwr and i go somewhere else until i get through this.
How can i help him? I have such guilt.
As a carer what would you want? Or do you just get sick and tired of dealing with it?
Its been 2 weeks now.
If you can suggest anything, i would be so grateful.
Thank you

9 REPLIES 9

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hey there @Findingmyway, I don't think we've spoken before, so it's a pleasure to 'meet' you.

I wear both hats unofficially, as someone living with a mental health issue (I live with schizoaffective disorder) and someone who is the partner of someone with mental health issues (my Mrs has borderline personality disorder). It can be incredibly tricky, as someone with the mental health issue trying to reach out when things aren't going so well. You certainly don't want to upset the applecart, especially when you fear everything will be swept under the carpet so to speak. However, as a carer too, I appreciate honesty. 

My Mrs and I have developed a system for gauging our mental state with each other. We can it the traffic light system. Green means everything is cruisy and all systems go. Yellow means I'm struggling a little but I'm doing so-so, a little support might be needed. Red obviously means I am really struggling and need immediate support or intervention. We don't even need to say the colour if we feel we cannot talk. We can simply leave the appropriate coloured card in a prominent place for the other to find. Often this will initiate a conversation about what is happening for one or the other and what steps if needed, are to be considered.

From reading what you have written, it seems your husband isn't really proactive about your recovery, rather relying on you taking some tablets to 'cure' you. It isn't as simple as that though is it? Has he considered talking to associations like mental health carers Australia (formerly ARAFMI)? They have some brilliant resources like a telephone line for carers.

I wish you all the very best and congratulate you for reaching out here.

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

@Findingmyway

I am afraid I tend to be quite straight to the point and I hope this does not offend.

To answer the question - If you were my partner I personally would not want you to leave. Doing so has the potential to cause a lot of damage to your relationship.

Times of acute illness (irrespective of cause) do put pressure on loved ones, but it does not mean that you are not loved. Your husband may be doing extra things to help out and this can be tiring (particularly if he works full time) and doing some social activities such as playing a sport, doing woodwork or the like can help give him the energy he needs to continue to care for you and your young one.

Blokes have quite a different way of tackling the caring role than women and I think
some possibly do look at their partners ills as they would that of a mate - not getting too involved but ensuring the basics are done.

Can I ask if these are new feelings or has this happened before? (have you a diagnosis?) Has your husband accompanied you to any appointments? Do you have a safety plan? What supports do you have in place for yourself?

Do you have a case manager, therapist or pdoc you can call or make an appt with? If your husband can accompany you and go in at the end of the appt, with your consent, the gravity of the situation and management plan can be discussed and/ or worked out. They can explain how he can best help you. @Queenie's traffic light system is something that could be included in such talks.

I will tag you in a talk about carers of loved ones with depression and bipolar.

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hi @Findingmyway

I'm Margot, nice to meet you.

It sounds like you're at your wits end at the moment, trying to find way to communicate to your husband  how you're feeling. It can be truly exhausting to be in this space. 

I wonder what your husband might say or think if he had have read your post? Do you think he'd be surprised that things have been feeling so tough for you? 

It could be worth scheduling in a chat with your husband ahead of time, letting him know that you'd like to spend time together to understand how he is feeling and to help him understand what things have been like for you. A good communication strategy (you might have herd before) can be to start with "I" statements, so using sentences like "I feel....." - This aids communication by reducing defensiveness and focusing on your expereince. You might even like to start by asking him how he is feeling so that you can better understand what's going on for him - and hopefully leave him feeling more receptive to understading your experience too. 

When verbal communication is feeling a bit tricky, some people find it helpful to write down how their feeling and show their writing to their partner. Alternatively, you could use what you've written to prompt conversation. 

If you have a counsellor at the moment, I'd encourage you to chat to them for a bit more support around how to have the conversation. Including them or perhaps a trusted family member or friend in the discussion might help with communicating how you're feeling too.

I wish you all the best with it 🌻

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hi @Findingmyway, nice to meet you and welcome to the forum.

I will try to answer your questions from a husbands perspective but this is from my perspective so do not wan't to offend.

I agree with Darcy, I personally would not want my wife to leave during a time like this. (Unfortunately this has been raised over time, but thankfully has not happened). I support my wife who lives with borderline personality disorder and we have our moments where communication could be better. As hard as things can get for us the thought of my darling leaving has hurt and is not something I want to consider.  While I do get weary of dealing with our circumstances that does not mean I don't still love her those feelings are directed at the illness not my darling, I would never say I was sick and tired of dealing with my darling, she is totally worth it.

I have to confess that my darling has often felt I have minimised or dismissed her concerns when in my mind I have thought that I have been doing everything necessary to help her. I tend to be a fixer and practice, so by providing a solution or working in the background to create an environment where my darling does not have to worry. Lack of understanding does not necessarily translate to lack of empathy. As Darcy mentioned, guys process things differently to ladies. For me not being able to talk about things has been more about me feeling inadequate in my ability to help my darling.

I have also been guilty of asking my darling if she has taken her meds when she is not coping, this is in the context that when life is getting on top of her she can forget. So again that is the practical and 'helpful' side of me coming out and in no way a reflection on my darlings abilities or my perception of her abilities. It could well be that your hubby is doing the best he knows how to support you and not that he does not value or want to understand you.

All of Darcy, Queenie & Margot's advice above is also most helpful even to me and my situation, particualy the I statements when describing how you feel. If you have any other questions I am more than happy to try and answer them from a husbands point of view.

It is a big step reaching out in a forum like this (well it was for me anyway) but I think you will find everyone here most supportive and helpful. I wish you all the best as you work through this.

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Thank you for your perspective.
I have had an opportunity to chat to my husband and that is because of the support I have have had here!
That you. X

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Was not offended in the least.
Determined, Darcy, Queenie & Margot. That you x

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hi @Findingmyway

How are things for you? Hope things have improved re communication and how you are travelling.

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Our communication has improved immensely. I am now seeing a counsellor regularly who helps me explain things, and also assists Me to understand his perspective. He now has such a better understanding of my needs.
I am so grateful to you all for reaching out.
M

Re: I have MH issues. I need help talking to my husband.

Hi @Findingmyway

THank you for the update, it is so good to hear that things are improving and your husband is more understanding. I hope things continue ot improve for you.

 

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