Lived Experience Forum

[BlueRose]

Hello,

I live alone, widowed and my children live many many hours drive away….I live in a remote area of NSW…..I only get  seldom message every so often from one of them….the other two I don’t hear from…if I ring them they don’t answer my calls 3/4 of the time and when they do, I feel like I am interrupting their lives…..my anxiety gets to me, then I don’t know what to say…..it’s like my mind closes off….feel I’m a burden to them….

I have PTSD from a violent marriage and childhood, also I have depression and anxiety. I feel like their isn’t really any purpose to my life anymore. I do volunteer work 3 days a week….am always trying to look happy, but it’s getting harder and harder to do this. I am on anxiety meds and have seen psychologist and victims counsellors in the past few years, but cannot afford them anymore. I have spent 2 months in a mental health ward for an attempt…and a couple of weeks in the same ward twice more over the past two years….I don’t want to go back their….my kids don’t know about my hospital stays….They don’t need to know how much of a failure I am at life….I am safe, just feeling so overwhelmed with loneliness and my life. 

Thank you for listening to an old lady, ramble on

BlueRose.

[TuxedoCat]

hey there @BlueRose, welcome to the forums. I hope we can help ease some of the loneliness ❤️ It sounds like you've been carrying a lot on your shoulders recently.

I thought I'd tag some of our community guides to get to know them @Faith-and-Hope @Judi9877 @NatureLover @outlander @Shaz51 @ShiningStar @Snowie @Flying_Hams @wellwellwellnez @Zoe7 @maddison @Eve7 

I thought I'd share a link to our free services, just in case they're useful

• Our drop-in service included a counselling phone line you can call 
• I'm not sure if you're eligible, but we also have our guided service for ongoing support. Check your availability and refer yourself here

take care ❤️ 

[Zoe7]

Hello @BlueRose That is a lot to deal with 😥 I do not have children but can relate to the childhood and partner violence, PTSD, depression, anxiety and suicide ideation. It really is a lot to have to face and overcome. ...and it is by no means a ramble Hon - it is actually a very brave and courageous thing you have done reaching out here for support - so welcome to the community.

As for losing purpose in one's life - been there. It is so hard to find that when we are so overwhelmed with everything. I would like to add to @TuxedoCat 's suggestion to access the services available here at SANE. I have used these services so many times in the past and the amazing counsellors have helped me so much so I can highly recommend them. Of course, reaching out here on the forums is wonderful too - and we are here to support you. 

[Flying_Hams]

Hi @BlueRose and thanks for joining
I don't have kids and I'm only 29
But I feel like if my mum was experiencing something like you are then I would want her to tell me about it
I don't think your child whom you speak to wouod be overwhelmed. You aren't a failure - you're just dealing with a lot.

[Snowie]

Hi @BlueRose and welcome to the Sane Forums.

It sounds like you have gone through so much in your life and could really use some company.

I hope you find what you are looking for on here. I have found it such a supportive place and the people on here give me a lot of strength and love to keep going.

There is no such thing a rambling on here hon. It is a good way of getting your thoughts and feelings out and connect to people that understand some of what you are going through.

Take care and I really hope I can get to know you better.

[Judi9877]

Hi there @BlueRose and welcome to the forums👋! It’s so brave and courageous of you to tell your story snd to reach out for support so well done and I’m very proud of you.

Like @TuxedoCat @Snowie @Zoe7 @Flying_Hams have said, there’s nothing wrong with rambling on in your story and thoughts as we’ve all done this in some part of our lives. I too have depression as one of my mental illnesses and I’ve also been down the suicidal ideation path many times with hospital admissions to go with it along with family issues with my estranged father whom I have limited contact with. I’m not in a relationship nor do I have children so I can’t relate to that element of your story but I do have a cat who is my fur child and I have a great housemate who is my best friend and I’m in daily contact with my sister so I do have some supports. As for the hospital admissions over the past few years, the best thing is you’ve realised you need help and you’ve done that in the best way possible and that’s great of you to do so well done on that element. I’ve had 2 hospital admissions in the past 2 years with the most recent once being in July due to suicidal thoughts but I’ve come to accept that it is a place that I’d rather not return to due to the restrictions placed on me and the fact that I felt very alone on the ward and not very supported. I feel that I’d rather try and take care of myself using my own supports in the community and that of my friends and family along with some strategies I picked up in the past with the help of a psychologist I had dealings with over the past 18 months whom I no longer deal with. I also do volunteer work as well as I knit and crochet blankets for charity which gives me a purpose along with having something to do during my time at home when I’m not studying a mental health course which I’ve just started recently. Talking to others here in the forums also helps me as I feel like they get me and understand what I’m going through which is also a great support so I’m lucky to have this available to me, especially when I feel down or alone. 

I look forward to seeing you around the forums!

Take care!

Judi9877☺️💐

[BlueRose]

Hello @Judi9877, @Snowie , @Flying_Hams , @TuxedoCat , @Zoe7 , I hope I done right.

Thank you for replying, my kids have all got adult children and my eldest has grandchildren….they all have busy lives of their own, with there own worries about there family.

 this is all my fault, I never saw my parents and one brother (I have 2)….ever since I got married..my parents have passed away now. I feel a lot of regret and guilt about going no contact with them, even though they were not good to me, they were still my parents and my kids grandparents  maybe they would have loved their grandchildren. My kids never had any grandparents or uncles, Aunties or cousins in their lives, I denied them that choice.

Looks like Karma is hitting back at me😢. I deserve this loneliness I know that, I just have to deal with it, but it’s overwhelming at times.

[Appleblossom]

Hey @BlueRose 

Mostly I believe people do their best.  Success or failure is too black and white a way at looking at life.  Great you volunteer a lot but it is tough having to put on a cheery face when we do not feel that way inside.

I supported your posts not cos I believe you deserve isolation or anything like that, but just to say hello.  As each generation grows the circumstances are different, depending on so many things.  Despite all the talk of "connection" and society seems to have become more fragmented, yet we do our best... I already said that. ... nuther lil ole laydee rambling here,

[Snowie]

Hi @BlueRose 

There is a good reason your cut family out of your life. Sometimes we look back and think have we made the right decision but you made that decision at the time and it was the right one for you. Having toxic people in our life is not good for us. I have cut of certain family members. Yes it is hard to do and I feel regret for doing it, but I know for my own mental health that it was the right thing to do.

Are there any community groups that are available to you? I live in a small town so find it hard to find that support locally. I think that is a reason why I choose to be on the Sane forums. People understand and have their own struggles that I can relate too. Even though I don't wish this on anyone, it is a comfort to know that I am not alone, and neither are you/

We are here for you, through the ups and downs of life.

[Sylvia26]

Hi @BlueRose 

I can relate a little bit to what you are going through.

Im 38 and I no longer speak to my father because all throughout my sister and my childhood he was pretty aggressive and I have PTSD from that. 

I actually tried to reconnect with him when I was in my early 30s and I did briefly, but he is not a well person and some people it's best to stay away from for your own sake.

So try not to feel guilty about not contacting your parents,  or family because sometimes it is better for you and your family. For your mental health.

It's definitely not karma, I wouldn't say. 

I have suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety amongst other illnesses and I find my medication helps me the most, but connection with someone is vital for me too.

The only people I talk to daily are my mum and a good friend of mine and I find opening up about my issues is what helps me stay grounded. 

If it is too hard to speak to your children, maybe try a colleague or friend at the place you volunteer?

Or what I do when things are really rough is call a helpline. Most of them are available 24/7 and it is a safe and confidential way to chat. 

I usually find the loneliness and depression passes after I have chatted out loud to someone. But if that is also too hard, keep up on the forums. 

And try to remember 'this too shall pass.'

Be kind and gentle to yourself, you deserve it.✨️ 💗