Lived Experience Forum

[skyehaven]

Hi I am new here.  I had a major breakdown at my work 22 months ago, it lead to chronic severe major depressive disorder, long story short, I have spent over 100 days in hospital this year, due to severe suicidal thoughts and self harming.  It was over 5 admissions, my work place of 24 years has turned on me, even though my breakdown was their fault and I am on work cover, they said some things after my first hospital admission that really hurt me, and my condition got quite a bit worse that it was alredy, which was bad enough, my self harming is almost every day now when I am not in hospital, last Monday I had to go to emergency medical attention, and even though I said I didn't feel safe they only kept me overnight.  Seems I have spent too much time in hospital now and they just want to send me home asap.  I see a psychiatrist every week and a psychologist every week as well, my psychiatrist also wants to keep me out of hospital, which is why I see them both weekly.  I have managed not to self harm for 5 days since Monday's hospital visit, but did slip up in a minor way today, I still am, so I am not liking my chances of being able to resist the urge for too much longer.  I feel like even going to emergency is a waste of time for me now, as they just want to send me home.   I feel like my life is over, and I am just breathing, waking up, surviving and going back to sleep, my work place even though I am still employed there for now (haven't been there this year due to not fit to work on my certificate), they won't let me on the propery and also have banned some my workmates from talking to me, and others have just chosen to abandon me, and I miss working and miss my workmates despite their betrayal.   But I can barely get through a day without a major struggle, and don't cope with any stress.

[outlander]

Hi @skyehaven

Things are sounding so rough for you right now. Im not sure what to say thatll help but im hearing you and how hard things are for you.

[outlander]

@Appleblossom@Teej@Sans911@Former-Member@Owlunar would you guys have any suggestions at all? 

[skyehaven]

Just really struggling. Had to call lifeline and struggled to even get the words out about hopeless I am feeling, and about how shattered I am about my work and workmates abandoning me.  I  just kept crying and still am. I feel like no one can help me, hospitals don't even know what to do with me anymore, as I have spent so much time in them, the just send me home now. My professional help seem to be at a loss how to help me.   It is just too hard.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @skyehaven It sounds like a horror year. It might feel that it is impossible for things to improve, but there are ways that people come back from experiences like that.

It is hard to know what will help, but one of the advantages of the internet is that we can research and reach out.

Sometimes I have not been orally verbal ... if that makes sense ... only writing helped ...

I do think that the path to recovery is unique and of all the people you are the best one to find the solutions that fit you.  That does not mean other will or cannot help, just that we are all different.  SOme people find getting back in touch with their creativity helps ... or starting something new.

I like your dog pic and your name.,

[Queenie]

Welcome @skyehaven to the forums. It is great that you have found and reached out to us.

I just wanted to say well done to you for resisting the urge to self harm. That must take incredible strength.

Your story about your workplace is similar to mine really and I am sorry you are being treated this way. I am sure it isn't deserved. I know what you mean about being abandoned by your workmates, I felt the same way in my former position when I think about my former colleagues.

Unfortunately I have no wonderful pearls of wisdom to offer, but I can offer you a listening, supportive and non-judgemental ear.

Be kind to yourself (as much as possible) and again, welcome to the community.

[Sans911]

Hi @skyehaven

I have been in a very similar situation to you, and I understand how hopeless that feels and how despairing life feels.

I'm just on my way home from the country, and I want to give you some support and how I am coping, which might help.

I'll get back to in the couple of hours ok? That's a promise. For now, just hold on. Just focus on one thing at a time, because you sound really overwhelmed. Take care of yourself and we'll talk soon.

On the next couple of hours try to find something to occupy your mind, like Netflix, a movie. Find something really easy to follow, even a kids movie. And call Suicide Call Back Service if needed. They're pretty good.

[outlander]

@skyehaven i seen the post that was removed. Im sorry you self harmed. I hope your getting some help offline 

[Former-Member]

I am sorry you are going through all that 

[Sans911]

Hi @skyehaven

I'm not sure if you're around, but I hope so. I promised I would be back, and I am.

I had a breakdown in my job work place almost 3years ago, right on the cusp of a promotion, and I was and still am utterly devasted.

I came home from overseas, and found casual employment until I was stopped from working last year due to my increasing rate of hospitalisation from self harm and suicide attempts. I have them under control a bit better, but I have chronic suicidal ideation like you. And it's hell.

And then to have your workplace say something invalidating and hurting, as well as preventing you from seeing your work mates, must be like a triple whammy. On top of that is people abandoning you at your time of most need.

What kept you safe for 5 days from self harm? Do you have have some sort of safety plan in place? Or do you use any mobile apps at all?

When I'm feeling the way you are, I just take hour by hour, or even one minute to the next. Just focus on that. And come here to the forums if the urge is getting intense. You can talk about what's going on, or not. You can always talk about anything else you want. And I will stay with you until the urge passes. Because it always does.

@outlander

@Snowie

and myself regularly keep each other safe when needed. They are my forum sisters, and they matter a great deal to me. Many a night has been spent keeping the urges at bay, and keeping each other safe.

I hear you saying you're not coping with any stress, and each day is a struggle, so it sounds like you're completely overwhelmed. If you can, try to pare back on things as much as possible. Simplify your life, just do what you can manage and no more. Try to eat something each day, get enough sleep, and talk your psychiatrist about your medication. Perhaps it's not enough, not suitable or you need something else. Medication isn't a fix it all for everything, but when it works well, life is easier to cope with. I still have lots of lows, and suicidal ideation, and I occasionally self harm, but my lows don't go as low or as long as they used to, and I'm sleeping well. I just do as much as I can each day, and anything else has to wait.

As for not being able to go to work, that's hard. Really hard. But I realise that I need to be better in order to cope with the extra stresses of work. And I'm not there yet. Right now do some volunteer work which helps in getting out of the house, and gives me a sense of purpose back. And I get to socialise as well. But just focus on right now for now. Try not to think about tommorow or the next day.

I'm here tonight for a while. All you have to do is tag me with an @ aand a drop down menu should show my name as I've been here recently.

Otherwise I'll check on you in a bit or tommorow morning.