Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SJT63]

@Bipolarcarer 

and again SNAP!

mine has a physical condition for which smoking cannabis is supposedly the best treatment - 

however, not for people with pre-existing mental health issues

he has smoked for decades on and off, long before i knew  him and long before he got fybromyalgia. During a hiatus from another (legal, test case) treatment he has that gets him high as a side effect he decided to smoke again.

HATES it when I bring up her drug use as she believes it is benefitial

yep, a road I won't go down as I have watched him turn on other family members and friends who have dared to suggest he should at least cut down. It fills him with rightous indignation if anyone suggests he should abstain from his "gold standard" treatment of the FM. As much as anything else it costs a fortune!

I can only dream of how much easier life would be without weed. Yes he'd probably be less phsyically comfortable some of the time, but at what cost? If seen how truly awful he has been the twice we've run out - Italian soccer players have got nothing on the way my bloke can take a dive.

Is it all too hard? Probably. I dunno.

[Bipolarcarer]

@TideisTurning- Thanks for that, yes I do occasionally call the SANE help center and chat, they have calmed me down a few times.. I thought relationships australia was more to get into relationship councelling? we do do that already, but it has it's own problems. 1800 respect would be great for my female compatriot I imagine if she needed that support, a guy calling that line seems to be taken far less seriously. Same problem with my Psych and other counsellors in the past really, I mention her throwing glasses at me and smashing things in a rage, shoving me etc and I'm visibly upset yet the first question is - "you didn't hit her back did you?". (answer is no of course not, but $#@k me, it's so crap to even be asked that in that moment)..

@SJT63- Yeah weed is a common self medication technique as I understand it for bipolar people.

"Is it all too hard?" - I wonder that a lot lately, it is hard with the ups and downs, as if it stayed consistently terrible I would have left and taken the kids with me, actually me telling her I was done I few years back was the point where she finally agreed to relationship counselling after years of refusal (though that was hard for me as I had passed wanting it anymore at the time). But she also got diagnosed around the same time and things improved in a lot of ways (the violence and abusive language particularily), but now as I am trying to still deal with the insecurity it caused for me not knowing how she will react at any moment doesn't help me feel secure/safe.

[Flurry0306]

I can so relate, especially about when being at my most vulnerable then he puts me down and verbally attacks me even more. My partner not diagnosed as bi polar but I am wondering about it. I really struggle as i basically do it all and never enough. He says he supports me to have time off but it either never happens or I get worried about him yelling at the kids if I am not there. Do you have any family support, I don't as both my parents have passed away and his are no help. I wish I had some ideas to share but I am looking for the same help you are with two sons aged 10 and 6 in the mix. All I can really offer is you are doing the best you can do and to try and remember that.

[Flurry0306]

I did the I am leaving and made him move out after Christmas then did relationship counselling, I heard all the right things so got back together and back to probably as low if not lower than ever so I feel your pain.

[Bipolarcarer]

@Flurry0306- "Do you have any family support, I don't as both my parents have passed away and his are no help. I wish I had some ideas to share but I am looking for the same help you are with two sons aged 10 and 6 in the mix. All I can really offer is you are doing the best you can do and to try and remember that."

No, both my parents are dead and have either been dead or demented for the better part of a decade, so same problem as you. We also have two sons similar ages to yours (little older).

Yeah I am trying to remember that thanks, I think hearing that other people face the same things is helpful as it then is 'par for the course' and not some unique hell I am in. I think that was one of the hardest parts, is this part of the bipolar or is she just "very selfish" like my last psychologist said. I don't know why that matters but it does, to me, it takes some of the sting out of it.

[SJT63]

@Bipolarcarer 

par for the course it is I'm afraid.

Mine isn't just bipolar, he is autistic as well so he is very, very easily triggered. He is not selfish when he is himself, his nature isn't selfish, but his ASD means he often views situations very differently to the majority of the population.

I have never found the phone lines helpful as they always take the stand that I have to leave - I certainly get the vibe that men are always "the bad guy". Excuse the pun. Sure, the way I am treated sometimes isn't right but his mental health is very complicated. It mitigates his actions. It's not the same as a husband only mistreating his wife if he's drunk and then being sorry, promising not to do it again, and then doing it again. 

I have found the crisis lines too simplistic in their approach with no practical solutions offered other than ending the relationship. Having said that, I have enjoyed sometimes just having someone to tell. The few times I have actual felt physically unsafe I have left.

I am a widow of nearly 60 years, so my children are grown and gone. He had children late in life with his ex so their two sons are still in highschool (albeit nearly finished), the eldest is 18 in a few weeks. They stay with me about 40% of the time. In his ex's position all those years ago, with two toddlers, I too would have left for their sakes. He was then undiagnosed and a breakdown after the divorce finally gave him answers to why he felt the way he did and medication helped. Our situation now is very different.

I doubt very much if you would get to keep your children however unwell their mother is given the way the courts deal with such things. If their care is a priority for you then maybe have no choice but to stay for a bit longer.

Our partners don't want to be the way they are. As it exhausting as it may be trying to live with them I have no doubt it is worse having to be them. Late last week we had a session with his pdoc together - I can't remember if I mentioned it.

I unburdened myself a little about how I've felt and the way I now overreact to every little thing in case it becomes a blow up, and he completely shut down with guilt and shame. However, I got to say out loud some things that he really needed to hear; he had no idea he'd ever actually been physical with me. He remembers very little of what happens when he's in full flight and is often shocked to find kmart have called security or his neighbour rang the police..... 

one day I'm going to write a very good novel about my life with Mr S but in the meantime, because I'm in a better mood today than I was yesterday, one day at a time.

xoxo

[Bipolarcarer]

@SJT63- "I certainly get the vibe that men are always "the bad guy". Excuse the pun. "

Yeah I get the same vibe from some of them (one in particular on men's line) which is fun for me since I am the one asking for help, not sure why they hire someone like that on men's line of all places..

"I have found the crisis lines too simplistic in their approach with no practical solutions offered other than ending the relationship. Having said that, I have enjoyed sometimes just having someone to tell. The few times I have actual felt physically unsafe I have left."

Agreed, they don't help much as they rarely understand the underlying mental helath issue, sane line is the best of them IMHO. I have felt physically unsafe a few times, the last time I called the police and they issued a temporary IVO protecting the kids and I.

[Flurry0306]

It may not be a unique hell but it is a hell, I tried asking his Dad to talk to him this week and got told besides that our problems are nothing to do with him that he lost one son 9 years ago (which was to suicide which started my hubbys slide downwards) and if he looses another so be it.

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@Bipolarcarer wrote:

@Flurry0306- "Do you have any family support, I don't as both my parents have passed away and his are no help. I wish I had some ideas to share but I am looking for the same help you are with two sons aged 10 and 6 in the mix. All I can really offer is you are doing the best you can do and to try and remember that."

No, both my parents are dead and have either been dead or demented for the better part of a decade, so same problem as you. We also have two sons similar ages to yours (little older).

Yeah I am trying to remember that thanks, I think hearing that other people face the same things is helpful as it then is 'par for the course' and not some unique hell I am in. I think that was one of the hardest parts, is this part of the bipolar or is she just "very selfish" like my last psychologist said. I don't know why that matters but it does, to me, it takes some of the sting out of it.

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[1Freckles]

Hi Alicat, 

Thanks so much for sharing. Can I ask how you helped yourself manage BPD?

Thanks, 

1Freckles. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @1Freckles 

Puttinga  @ in front of members names as they will receive your messages and is able to reply @Alicat 

I can tag you to another thread @BPDSurvivor