Lived Experience Forum

[ilikebigpups]

At the start it was so exciting and natural. We bonded quickly and loved spending time with one another. Things moved quickly. They had lied and I'd caught them out. I forgave without an apology. 

We moved in months later, and a couple months after that it started. One night of drinking and they'd called me all the words under the sun. Threw all my clothes out, told me never to come back. 

I was about to leave, had all my things packed and at that last second they wanted to talk. 

This has happened 3 times since. They yell, scream, calls names at the littlest things. Usually I can get over it but I just can't seem to deal with it anymore. I know my worth, but why do I stay?

I know I shouldn't. I really know. Is it worth seeing a therapist again? I don't want to be too dramatic, but I am having casual suicidal thoughts when things get bad. I would never do anything but why am I thinking that way? 

[Owlunar]

Hi @ilikebigpups 

First let me welcome you to the forums - I am glad you have reached out for help and I am sure there will be people here who can support you

I don't know what you are staying in a toxic situation either - as you know your worth - but you do know you have to leave and start life on your own. I have done this an many women do but it is not easy to start again - maybe there is uncertainly about starting again - 

I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist again and get some professional support - I understand you have dark thoughts and that is a good sign to see someone - and it's not being dramatic

Perhaps these toxic people have said things that have triggered your thinking into thoughts that have lessened your worth to yourself - they are getting a pay-out because you are staying but there is nothing in it for you

The whole situation is wrong and bad - and it sounds like two against one and you deserve better - 

I don't know how to get help when you know it's time to leave - but othe people will know - there is CASA - it's decades now since I sought this kind of help but I did in the past and it really helps

I'm so glad you have reached out for help - and I wish you the best - please keep going - this is not normal - it's abuse

Dec

[Jo-anneJoy]

@ilikebigpups  

@Owlunar 

I gained heaps of insights from reading about emotional unavailability on this resource and and a whole lot of other things.  Especially how my parents modelled the abuse-is-normal-and-this-is-mature-love pattern that was modelled for them....and the beat goes on.

Here's a link to start with.  It has been my experience that when you start to shift out of this pattern and think you have it sorted, you'll engage with a person who will show you where your boundaries are still wobbly.  

https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/we-need-to-talk-about-narcissists-20-mindset-shifts-to-help-you-sto...

[Lilaca]

Hi @ilikebigpups,

I have worked in womens' organisation dealing with domestic violence and women's health. 

What your partner did is actually verbal abuse which falls under domestic violence.

If you wish to continue a relationship with your partner, have a relationship counselling for both of you as a couple. I have worked as a counsellor for similar issues and usually the violent partner would have committed the acts unconsciously. Most behaviours are actually greatly influenced by the (family) environment they grew up in which might not be the best but that's all they know. You might be surprised that your partner may be open to change too, they just don't know how. They lack a good mentor who could act as a role model to them. 

If your partner was not willing to commit to the relationship counselling or change their behaviours, it's worth considering parting ways. The laws on domestic violence are strict here, you wouldn't want them to end up in court either. 

Good luck! 🙂