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Something’s not right

florencefifty
Senior Contributor

You can't change the past...

A lot of counselling involves thinking about the same thing in a different way. But it's easier said than done.

For example, I'm going to try to finish a book I'm reading in one go tonight, and I thought of reading the relationships in the book as they are, and not trying to compare them to my own life. It's a commentary on the character, it's not necessarily a commentary on how the reader's life is going.

Sometimes, though, it's missing the point. For example, a lot of counsellors would say that it's not helpful to focus on the past, it's best to think about the future... but the past influences the future. And it can be a reliable indicator of the future.

The only time I fell in love, it paralysed me for three years, four months and counting. In that time, no-one's been interested in even being my friend, despite the "good impression" I make on the people around me. Is it going to be this hard every time? Am I flawed in some horrible way that I'm not seeing?

Can you explain why it hasn't worked out for me? No psychologist can explain it, and I can't explain it. But for some reason, I'm supposed to have faith that it'll be fine?

I know I'm deserving. I know I have a big heart, and a good sense of humour, and a great energy. But I can have all those things until the sun goes down, I'm still going to be single. So positive thinking doesn't really change anything, does it?

It feels like whatever you say, or whatever my professionals say, I'll have an answer to it. There's not much I haven't heard before. And none of it can change the past.

4 REPLIES 4

Re: You can't change the past...

Hi @florencefifty,

Wouldn't it be good if we had a crystal ball - if we could just see / have a date, when something important to us was going to happen. I think it would be a lot easier to deal with those questions then. I would imagine (I maybe wrong) that it's the not knowing that is the most frustrating. 

I agree with you when you say that the past does play a role in your future to some extent but the past is something that cannot be changed. The present and the future are something we have more influence over and you never know what's around the corner. 

You sound like a really lovely person and I wish I could give the answers too. I really do hope that you find you person very soon.

Best wishes on your journey,

FloatingFeather 

Re: You can't change the past...

Hey @florencefifty your right, you can’t change the past, and the past can influence the future, but it doesn’t have to. You can live a future… a life, that is completely different and separate to what you are living now. Mind if I share a little of my story? I had a really bad go with my mental health 15+years ago. I was constantly in and out of psych wards, made many attempts and was told that I would eventually succeed at ending my life. I spent 8mths in a rehab program and got my life back on track, learnt new skills and learnt to love myself and my life again. Life was good. I had an amazing job, was able to keep relationships, and so many other good things. Proof that life can be better, that it can be different and that our mental health doesn’t have to dictate our future. Now I know it’s not the same for everyone, everyone’s circumstances are different, but there is hope. (And yes I’m struggling with my mental health again, but that’s due to trauma and I’m trying, I’m really trying to fight.) 

 

There is always hope @florencefifty 

Im curious, when I first read your post, what you said about relationships, falling in love and being single really stuck out to me. I wonder, do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? That old saying came to mind ‘If you don’t love yourself how the hell will you love someone else?’. Maybe it’s time to just focus on @florencefifty? Nurture you. Like… love you. Let yourself grow. Learn more about yourself. And then when your read perhaps everything will just fall into place? 

wishing you all the best @florencefifty 

🎀

Re: You can't change the past...

Hi @Bow,

Thank you for sharing your story! It's such a lovely, hopeful story and really does show how life can turn around and become positive. There a saying I really love which is something like "after the storm comes the rainbow". I really think hope is a great way to get through challenging times. 

Your story really does embrace the feeling of hope @Bow and I thank you for sharing.

Hope you are doing okay.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather 

Re: You can't change the past...

You are not flawed @florencefifty, I can completely empathise with these thoughts of worthiness.

I went through a string of unhealthy relationships which eroded my self-esteem and identity. It wasn't until I took the time to sit with myself and listen to what I needed that I was able to begin putting things in place to rebuild myself. Reflecting on the types of people I was attracting and why I was accepting their behaviour, ultimately was the work that needed to come from inside me.

The inner work wasn't easy, but it was really worth it.

Sirius


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