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28-11-2018 11:09 PM
28-11-2018 11:09 PM
TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Hi,
I just had this TED talk pop up and found it really helpful.
It's often a big part of any trauma and abuse for the abuser to later deny that it happened, and try to shift the reality of the other person but this author's talk was about how the gaslighting was really the large part of the abuse that she received and how it was something that she had to survive all of itself it's a short talk where she just outlines what happened to her and how she was able to find a way through by taking back control of her own narrative.
trigger warning: refers (a bit flippantly :-() to suicide though the speaker was never suicidal
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4P2Qwh1QCU
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29-11-2018 12:51 PM
29-11-2018 12:51 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Hi @Fredd50,
Thanks so much for sharing this! A really interesting and insightful look into this. Also grateful for the trigger warning 🙂
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30-11-2018 11:26 AM
30-11-2018 11:26 AM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Thanks @Fredd50
This was an interesting talk. I'd always wondered what gaslighting was and this helped me understand. I guess my world has been full of it from my mum too. Even now she still carries on the same with me, and yes, I've found my coping strategies too; similar to those mentioned in the video.
So again, thankyou...
Hope
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01-12-2018 12:08 AM
01-12-2018 12:08 AM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Hello @Fredd50
I have seen the term gas lighting written ..however not understood the meaning...assumed yet another word added to the Oxford dictionary..
no different to my not having heard of let alone experienced narcissism and mysogonysism or however that is spelt..until I was told that was so..
sadly once experienced is recognisable in real and virtual worlds...
a valuable able insight for all using the forums
thank you
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01-12-2018 12:09 AM
01-12-2018 12:09 AM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Hello @Fredd50
I have seen the term gas lighting written ..however not understood the meaning...assumed yet another word added to the Oxford dictionary..
no different to my not having heard of let alone experienced narcissism and misogynism or however that is spelt..until I was told that was so..
sadly once experienced is recognisable in real and virtual worlds...
a valuable insight for all using the forums
thank you
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04-12-2018 12:57 PM
04-12-2018 12:57 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
@Sophia1 @Fredd50 @Lauz @Appleblossom
After realising what Gas-lighting was, I assessed my mother's approach to me since early childhood and found many of my dysfunctional beliefs about myself and the world came from her. Some of them include:
1. I was destined to be average as I lacked intelligence. Best to marry a wealthy man.
2. My opinions and feelings were secondary to hers, and in many cases not worth listening to.
3. Showing love to her was weak and stupid. I was pushed away if I tried to cuddle her, even if she was in pain.
4. My sister was always in the right if we argued or differed in opinions. I felt like a bully and was feared by everyone. This hurt intensely.
I was (and still am) berated and humiliated for saying I'm upset and especially challenging her opinions. So I learned not to voice my hurt and thoughts. If I do it infuriates her because it insinuates she's done something wrong so she attacks.
This happened two nights ago where I was so upset about her interrupting me and playing down my words, ("yeah...whatever") I lost all interest in our conversation. It got the better of me when she kept it up; I yelled at her to get off my back and try listening for a change. She went beresk and insulted me to no end. I left and haven't been back since.
When I eventually bring it up for discussion after things have calmed, she'll deny, deny, deny; and blame me for being too sensitive or making things up. The anger, frustration and helplessness this has caused me my whole life was a major facet in healing my wounded mind.
I've found friends and lovers who've mirrored this technique which keeps me at home and out of harm's way. I've taught myself to listen without comment, but now and then I offer support or my thoughts which can be ignored or interrupted; my norm. Even now I still wonder if I'm the cause of it all. It's very confusing at times.
I guess that's what I enjoy about the forums; I get to speak, be heard, acknowledged and validated. It's an important aspect of the connections we make on here.
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04-12-2018 03:33 PM - edited 04-12-2018 03:55 PM
04-12-2018 03:33 PM - edited 04-12-2018 03:55 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
I first came across it in conversation a long time ago and watched the 1944 movie "Gaslight" with Ingrid Bergman.
I realised I had been a serious victim during my marriage. I am not sure that I agree with A Leve's postion to remain defiant.
I am a bit tired of Americans using Youtube to shame their mothers and gain pity. SHe also had a rich father available to her.
Yes my mother gaslighted a bit, but my ex husband was far worse. In both scenarios "defiance" was not possible. There are also consequences of continual defiance. I may have spoken up a few times in many years and was blamed.
There are other movies about it toohttps://www.women.com/sophiematthews/lists/movies-about-gaslighting-100118
Woooops that site got it wrong. It assumed the Hollywood movie started it all ... failed to mention:
The 1938 stageplay by Patirck Hamilton was first put in film in 1940 in UK.
I am also sick of Americans claiming to be creative geniuses all the time when they are just great at stealing ideas. I try to be careful and do my homework. Dont always get it right tho.
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04-12-2018 05:58 PM
04-12-2018 05:58 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
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19-12-2018 01:43 PM
19-12-2018 01:43 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
Dear @Fredd50
I appreciate your comments re my post. It's nice to be validated. 🙂
When I wrote that post, things were fresh in my mind due to the conflict with mum. As time's passed though, I realise, as I have with so many 'labels' and 'terms', that it's not so much about what 'it's' called; it's more about recognising dysfunction in our relationships and communication with people.
The consequences of Gaslighting are many and even though they may generate similarities with others, it's our personal experiences that create individuality and character. (or lack there of)
I'm also inclined to think genes are responsible for some of our traits. I for instance, have responded to mum very different to my siblings; my biological father's different from theirs. I also had the advantage of being around positive role models growing up that they didn't. Nurture vs nature yet again...
I guess the word that most applies to us and others who've been 'put apon' since childhood, is 'coping'. It's our ability to cope (or not) with gaslighting moreso than the experience itself.
Although you haven't described your experiences in detail, I gather from your knowledge you've 'lived' gaslighting and have explored its conseqences and causes. I spent many a day trying to work my mum out. My conclusions were accurate, but this info wasn't really helpful in dealing with her cruel/ignorant words and outbursts.
It was 'my' actions, words, thoughts and responses to her that mattered at the end of the day. That's where healing begins...
Thankyou again for your reply. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to chatting more.
Kind regards;
Hope
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19-12-2018 02:02 PM
19-12-2018 02:02 PM
Re: TED talk the emotional trauma of gaslighting
As always, you've contributed quality information for us to contemplate. I find 'interested' comunication and intelligence in others really attractive alternatives to my circle of family and friends; there's an abundance of it here on the forum.
I know this sounds insulting to them, but honestly, I so enjoy interacting with people who get it and are able to exchange ideas, information and experiences with 'intent', interest and quality assessing skills.
I agree with your 'Yanky' comments. If Gaslighting could be seen on an international level, they'd be top of the charts! Ha ha... Their ability to make themselves the centre of the Universe has been around for as long as I remember. Mum for instance, quotes them relentlessly. "Because I said so.." doesn't compensate for a lack of emotional intelligence or aptitude. Jeez, I'm full of it today hey? lol
Anyway, I think you've researched this well. Time permitting, I may even explore the movie/stage production you mentioned. It'd be interesting to see how 'then' vs 'now' comes across.
Always nice to converse with you hun.
Kind thoughts;
Hope