Lived Experience Forum

[Lucy210]

Hi im new to this forum,

first of all I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16 years old, and ive had constant struggles with This mental illness everyday of my life, in every relationship, at work basically what im saying is this disorder affects every aspect of my life and the consequences of this disorder can be quite difficult to deal with and understand at times. I joined this forum to learn more about the illness but also to be open about the way im feeling and hopefully as a result people will try and be understanding, non-judgemental and helpful.

recently I experienced a BPD relapse and this resulted in a choice of impulsively seeking validation, attention, and comfort with another person other than my partner. At this point in my life I was experiencing heightened emotions in my relationship, I didn't feel fulfilled in some aspects, we were having constant arguments big and small, I didn't feel like I was getting enough attention, I just felt shut out and forgotten about which made it feel easy to seek connection from another person that I had grown close to over the last 2 months. I never intended to grow so close to this person, it felt so easy, so natural, and more to the point it felt comfortable and exciting to be so accepted by this person. but what I didn't realise during this connection there were things I was doing wrong, I wanted to open my mouth so bad and create boundaries but I was scared to lose the person or upset them, this has been a reacurance most of my life when I enter similar relationships. I broke up with my boyfriend a week ago impulsively after talking to this person, its almost like this person got into my head and I allowed him to construct my way of thinking which formulated an idea in my head that there was no point of trying to work thing out with my boyfriend even though thats what my heart was telling me to do, but I didn't do it. I left and went to Sydney the day after the break up. The person I had been spending time with invited me to a band show and went, my friends from our work also came to see the show, it was arranged to stay in a hotel after the show. previous to the show starting I was talking to my partner saying I wanted to try and work things out, he was currently on a camping trip, I thought about this the whole night and I formulated an idea in my head he's friends would get in his head and he would not want to be with me, this made me quite upset and as a result I began drinking a lot whilst I was at the show. I have no re-collection but I ended up at this hotel, originally I was meant to be in the room with my girlfriend but I ended up in the guy friends room and we slept together. I remember sitting on the end of the bed thinking what have I done, I felt horrible, I made a mistake impulsively based on my emotions and trauma, how could this happen...

[tyme]

Hello @Lucy210 ,

Firstly, welcome to the forums 😀

As you have mentioned, I also hope you will be able to connect with others you have had similar circumstances and to learn more about BPD.

I, for starters, feel I am reliving my past when reading your post. Although the behaviours were different, the thought processes and impulsivity definitely aligns.

Let's just say, if a person with BPD live alone on an island with no one else around, no one would have any idea that this person has BPD - why? because BPD revolves around relationships. Relationship building/breaking/keeping is what BPD is all about. The instability is due to environmental factors. When things go well, a borderline feels 'good'. When things in the environment don't go so well, a borderline feels 'bad' - hence the ups and downs.

I had a lot of difficulty with my BPD and this lasted well into my early 30s. It was then that I underwent psychosocial therapy with a BPD clinic on a weekly basis (over 2 years or so) which finally made a difference.

There's so much to learn about BPD, but I couldn't be more grateful than to have had it. It has taught me so much as a person, and I'm discovering more about myself each day.

@Lucy210 , I hope you will be able to find the treatment you need to help you through some BPD challenges. It takes time, and a lot of perseverance, but totally worth it. I can really say I've seen a huge change in myself since the beginning of therapy, and that's what has encouraged me to become a peer support worker.

I'll be happy to answer any BPD-related questions you may have.

kindest,

tyme

[Meowmy]

@tyme @Lucy210 you are both so brave. Hope things will get better. Please take care

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Lucy210 

Thank you for letting us into what has been happening in your life. 

You don't have to answer the following questions. I understand a lot might be happening for you at this point in time, but i would like to get an understanding of how I can help you move forward. 

What do you intend to do next? Why do you think those are good steps to take?

[support]

@Lucy210  I have been listening to a Pod Cast called the Last Symptom by Bryan Barnett.  It maybe spelt Brian.  He is living in recovery of BPD.

@tyme  have you heard this podcast? 

[tyme]

Hi @Lucy210 ,

How are you going?

@support , thanks for sharing this podcast - no, I haven't heard of it. Sounds very interesting.

BPD is such an interesting condition.

tyme

[support]

@Lucy210 @tyme 

I was diagnosed with BPD late last year.  Diagnosed is to formal in the sense my psychiatrist encouraged me to explore my relationship trauma.  

I hope for a positive future. @tyme your language feels positive.  Do you know of any BPD online support groups - with lived experience peer support? 

@Lucy210 I hope your week has gone well and I really thank you for coming here and sharing. 

[tyme]

Hey @support ,

Have you heard of the Australian BPD Foundation? Here is the link https://www.bpdfoundation.org.au/

If you go to their newsletter, you will find BPD-related groups/services for each state. I know Project Air (NSW) is running an online group for people with BPD https://www.uow.edu.au/project-air/. Spectrum (VIC) runs BPD support groups for carers https://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/resources-and-support/for-carers.

Otherwise, feel free to connect with others here on Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script .

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. BPD is a highly stigmatised and misunderstood condition.

What I know about BPD is through my own experiences. Despite what people say, BPD is highly treatable and you can definitely recover from it. Recovery speeds up with therapy.

Kindest,

tyme