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theurbanfarmer
Casual Contributor

Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Hey,

First time post so bare with me. My sister was diagnosed with BPD roughly a decade ago in her early 20s. Since this diagnosis she has not received any treatment, be it medication or psychiatric help. This is taking such a toll on my family. 

She will not work, nor drive, so expects everyone else to take her wherever she wants whenever she wants. She expects you to do what she asks whenever she asks no matter how inconvenient for you, and will not respect anyones boundaries. True to BPD if you decline her she will use emotional blackmail to get you to do it and will leave you feeling absolutely stuck.

She will not seek treatment as I feel her life being the way it is works for her. She doesnt have to do anything, everything is done for her. No matter what you say or do to try to get her to understand your position, no matter what language you use whether assertive or validating her feelings the end result is always emotional blackmail which is absolutely awful.

I am really struggling to have her in my life as mentally and emotionally I am not coping. I have my own issues (of which no one in my family is aware of as all focus is on her. Never does she ask me how i am, only for favors.) I cant see any way to resolve this and to direct this relationship in a way that will have it no longer taking such an extreme toll on me if she wont seek help. When I have asked her why she wont seek treatment she states she cant afford it (which she can) and previously in the past she has just manipulated the psychs or abused them herself so she hasnt had to go. 

What on earth can I do? My parents are getting older and I am the only sibling she still communicates with as the others have 'wronged' her and have been cut off. I do not want to become even more of a target of hers. I am exhausted. Every time she messages me I fill with anxiety.

Does anyone have any advice? I care about my sister but I sometimes feel I dont even know her, I only know the BPD because thats what she has moulded her life around. It is her reason and excuse for everything. She shows no desire to change her life or evolve whatsoever. She has never shown even 1% of concern as to how I am affected by her behaviour. I cant keep living like this but am trying to understand its not her, its the BPD. But I suppose my question is how can you help someone learn about their own condition and how to manage it if they have no desire to change their life as their every need is being met? 😞

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

"But I suppose my question is how can you help someone learn about their own condition and how to manage it if they have no desire to change their life as their every need is being met?"

I don't think you can, they have to own that they want to improve (work on themselves).

If you want to keep pursuing ways to help then I suggest reaching out to the sane helpline, they could find some information about support groups for family in your area. Not sure they will be able to provide the solution you are asking for necessarily. but both sane and the groups may be able to help you in dealing with her, how they set boundaries and look after themselves in a similar situation.

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Hey @theurbanfarmer This sounds like a really stressful situation and I can hear the desperation in your words. In my experience, it's very difficult to help someone who doesn't want help. I'm wondering if you have anyone you can talk to about this? It sounds like you really care about your sister but we all have limitations, and it sounds like you are reaching yours and that's fair and reasonable given what you are dealing with. Would a psychologist be able to help you understand this condition more, set boundaries and be able to move forward with your own life? 

Please take care,

Paperdaisy 

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Thank you @Bipolarcarer for your response. I will take your advice for sure and continue looking for a support group in my area, and see what the hotline has to offer. Thanks again for your support

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Hey @Paperdaisy , thanks for your support. You’re correct in that my limit has been reached time and time again, hence why I’m at this stage. I have my own psychologist who has been helping me try to navigate my relationships in life to be less one sided, but due to the nature of BPD it’s a very difficult one to approach and I am at a loss how it could even be possible. I really feel like she enjoys and thrives off the way she lives and treats others. Any attempt from me to place boundaries results in emotional blackmail so I’m at a loss as to how to set any boundaries. I don’t want to have zero relationship with her but the emotional blackmail is just too much. Thanks again for your response 

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Hiya, 

First of all, I want to say I totally understand how you feel - I'm my brother's full-time carer and have gone a long time feeling the exact way you do. He has multiple personality disorders and acts in the same way as what you're describing. I want to let you know you're not alone, and I know how hard it is! I feel for you.

I recently read a book called 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life' by Margalis Fjelstad - it was a complete game-changer and really did get me started on changing both mine, and my brothers' life. I highly recommend you read this (or listen on Audible like I did), it gave me more help than anything I've ever tried and I think that it would really impact you and your situation in a positive way.

Thinking of you and good luck!

Re: Longtime BPD sister; how to help myself?

Thanks for your reply @solarlemon , it saddens me to think others are in the same boat stuck in the hard place between caring so much but also feeling incredibly challenged. I super appreciate the recommendation, its definitely a book I'll be looking into. I love to read anyways and have been looking to find books on this sort of subject that would be able to help.

Again thanks for your response and I really hope both your brother and yourself can continue moving forwards in a positive light! 🙂

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