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Something’s not right

Sharona1
Contributor

thoughts or similar experiences: living with hate

Hi fellow carers/family members

My adult son with complex mental illness lives with me. His choice. However, he is extremely cold towards me. If I walk into the living room, he either covers his eyes to avoid seeing me or leaves if he hears me coming. He doesn't  say basic greetings: no Hi, Bye. Good night, thanks, please, how are you. Nothing except perhaps in response to me, robotically, through a closed door or online. He has been very aggressive in the past, and the only reason it is  not apparent at present is because I am just living to avoid conflict , such as doing all the work, not discussing anything unless he wants to, quietly putting up with the mess, etc, staying in my room, keeping interaction to a minimum and positive from my part. 

The particular aspect I want to bring up here today is how this negative environment is  so bad for my own mental health. I have my own mental health issues, especially anxiety and panic disorder. I grew up with a father who was very much like my son is now in trms of behaviour and 'vibe'. I left home at 17 along with all my siblings. He was always angry, hateful, bubling aggression and showed no affection. Waiting for him to come home at night always put me into a state of high anxiety. My father never talked to me. My mother always said things like, ' your father will be home in about 10 minutes, make a deision if you will go to your room. "  " I hear the gate! Hr' here!"  We all scattered or else learned to starte into the TV and not move . It is just everything I didn't want in my life. 

Anyway, my son seems unable to manage alone. He seems to need  to at least have another human 'around'. He has Avoidant Personality Disorder diagnosis but that was a long time ago. 

 

Sometimes I feel that my son seems to thin k that I am the one bing clod and not affectionate. Well, there may be some truth in that NOW, because I cannot relax an be myself at all. Whatever I say, he thinks is ignorant. He refuses any psychologists etc. 

Living in a house where someone hates you but you cook and clean and support them, eventually, it is having what feels like a deep, long term effect on my own mental health. 

any thoughts or similar expereicnes appreciated. 

 

Cheers people. 

Sharona

4 REPLIES 4

Re: thoughts or similar experiences: living with hate

@Sharona1  Hi Sharona1 and welcome to the forums. Clearly it cannot continue. Personally I would be asking him to leave or get help with a psychiatrist. I had an aggressive father and it has damaged my relationship with men so when my son2 became ill at 16-21 years and was super aggressive it sent me in a tail spin. I lost my mind and am still recovering. Do you have friends you can stay with to give you a break? Better still if he is aggressive to you when you ask him to shape up or ship out it is time to call in the police and the ambos and have him taken to the hospital to be assessed. He wont like you for it but it will give you time to sort out what to do next. You need a plan. greenpeaxx

Re: thoughts or similar experiences: living with hate

Thanks for your thoughts, Greenpea. 

The mental health crisis team came here but ,strangely indeed, they said there was nothing wrong with him. Nothing at all. Not even anxiety. He has a diagnosed mentall illness and is on DSP.  His anxiety is through the roof. AvPd  was his diagnosis but he does not accept that he has any mental illness. This makes it really difficult to get him any treatment. He refuses any medication. He puts on an amazing act whenever he  sees  Mental health or really anyone. It really must be good because even the mental health professionals doing an assessment buy it!! The told me that if he was really mentally ill he would not be able to turn his behaviour on and off. I think they must not accept Personality Disorders as actuall mental illness. 

But you are right. I need a plan. Hopefully one that will be good for both of us. I think a decision and a plan of which way this must head is the first step.

Thanks again...

Sharona

I know his mental illness spirals terribly when he is alone. he is unable to maintain a clean house or to deal with any issues like bills and real estate agents. It is very common in  AvPd. But this is really a terrible environment. I feel very intimidated and also I am just put down all the time. 

Covid lockdowns add to it all.

 

 

 

 

 

Re: thoughts or similar experiences: living with hate

@Sharona1  Firstly I am not telling you what to do but as someone who has lived through 6 years of hell and intimidation with my own son2 you really need to save yourself and get your son out of the house. When he intimidates you that is when you call the police .... they are trained for mental illness.  It is intolerable that you are suffering and tbh it really upsets me as I know the damage it has caused me and my children which is still going on today. While your son is in hospital that is when you pack up his things and put them on the front door step. He must, must learn his behaviour will not be tolerated and it is time he moved out.

 

I will be on and off the forums today but if you want to talk some more I would be happy to just listen. You can do this .... you must do this for yourself and your son.

 

ps: if you want to talk with me or anyone else just put a @ in front of their name like I did for you and they will receive a notification of your post. Take care of yourself. greenpeax

Re: thoughts or similar experiences: living with hate

@Sharona1 I just wanted to reach out.

I saw you posted more recently, and have been posting on the forum intermittently for a long time. 

 

Sounds like you have been tolerating a lot in your personal space.  

 

Sadly I trusted the CAT team for a long time, but no longer. Think they are only geared for some presentations ... which is no excuse for them not thinking and acting more broadly.

 

I have no answers, beyond maybe selling up and moving somewhere smaller, and giving him something, but as he is on DSP already, he has income security.

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