Lived Experience Forum

[SecondHandSmoke]

Hi 

my husband is a very heavy smoker.  We’ve been married for 22 years and he was always going to give up but never has despite trying different methods, but he hasn’t tried for 5 years now 

He now spends over $20000 per year on smokes (not including the extra we have to pay on life insurance etc), has a constant cough and spits phlegm incessantly.  I can no longer stand the smell of it, I’m terrified for not only his health but mine as well (and our kids as he smokes with them around, and in the cars etc, they are older teens. My daughter won’t stand for it but my son won’t ever question his father)  I am so over the smoke butts just being flicked on the ground, there’s piles around our front door, he will not use an ashtray.  He throws them out the window driving.  Our house just reeks, even though he goes out into the veranda, it just blows back in.  I know he’s out of bed when I’m out on my morning walk, I can smell it 200m away (no one else close by to blame) I just hate hate hate everything about it 

last night he came to bed after I was asleep and he smelt so bad of smoke.  I commented on it (said don’t mean to sound rude but you really smell of smoke and it’s hard to sleep).  He stormed out, slept on the couch and is now not talking to me.  I’ve walked out to stay at a friends spare house.   I love him but I hate his smoking more.  He is mid 40s, his mother had several severe heart attacks in her 40s, multiple strokes in her 50s and died at 59 from another massive heart attack (she smoked).  I don’t know if I’m over reacting, or how to get past this.  it’s been a huge bone of contention between us for at least five years, and I don’t know if I can stand more years of having to smell it, pay for it and see his disgusting spit and butt’s everywhere, not to mention having to nurse him if he gets an illness from it 

[SmilingGecko]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation @SecondHandSmoke your husband obviously shows no consideration to you or your family.  Its an invasion of personal boundaries and I don't think hes going to stop. I wondered if you were able to move in with a friend or something. It must be hard assessing options but it comes across to me that you have had enough.  Its so difficult trying to secure housing these days I just thought a friend may let you move in with them.  I am just so sorry hes being such an inconsiderate person. All he needs to do is go outside and smoke and put the butts in an ashtray. It would be difficult living with him and yes I hear you about concerns you have with your health. Don't know what to suggest but I really feel for you as both my parents used to smoke and the house was very uncomfortable to live in on a daily basis and they refused to go outside and smoke.

[Appleblossom]

@SecondHandSmoke 

I do no think you are over reacting.  When I married and had kids both husband and I smoked, but I set a boundary and said NOT inside the house, so at least we never exposed kids to lots of it.  I gave up soon after, but he did not.  I put up with it for 16 years, not realising how invasive it is.  Not sure what your best approach to dealing with this is, but your husband does not sound as if he takes it seriously for you ro the kids.  Sometimes women are conned into being more loving and putting up with stuff they really ought not put up with.  I say he should do a bit of growing up.  Yeah yeah I get, its an addiction, but start putting some boundaries on him.  Eg., NOT in the car or the house or enclosed areas.  Move into another bed. It is a form of abuse to do that to children even if his son lets him off the hook.  I used to let everyone off the hook.  I think its time HE wore his MAN pants.  Break it up into small boundaries iff you cannot manage it all in one go.  

[Historylover]

I used to be a smoker, @SecondHandSmoke and, now, I just can't imagine how I could do that to my body. It's a difficult habit to break but it has to be tackled. Tell him he's worth it! I tried 3 times before I was successful, and it was so difficult that I wondered if it was possible. We become habituated to the routine, and it all has to be replaced with a different lifestyle and outlook on life.

Times have changed drastically in recent decades and smoking is now very socially unacceptable. Let's face it, it stinks. We stink, our clothes stink, our family is unavoidably impregnated with the stench, as is our home, our car, and others find it repulsive—and rightly so. It's an enormous cost and every puff is damaging to our and others' health.

These days I can taste, smell, and I don't wheeze each morning. 

Just imagine what you could do with the money that isn't wasted. (I'm sure you have; he probably has too). It's difficult, but each effort he has already made has made him realize that it is not easy.

Do you have a healthy lifestyle? Could you develop one? A better diet? Daily walks together? It's not a matter of finding ways to accommodate his habit but finding ways to break his habit. Has he tried patches? I used chewies, lollies and food. He just has to persevere and find what works for him. 

I wish you and him luck. He can do it. He'll be a different person and will like the new one a whole lot better.

[Owlunar]

Hi @SecondHandSmoke 

Welcome to the forum and the secondhand smoke club - I am sure we will have more company.

@Appleblossom @SmilingGecko  - Hi again ladies.

I have been divorced for a long, long time - but I had 23 years with a smoker - I hated it. When I realised that passive smoking was more dangerous than actual smoking I drew a line in the cement - if he wanted to smoke he had to smoke outside.

He really resented it but he did - he was a hoarder too - I wouldn't allow his junk in the house - we had a shed with stuff piled to the ceiling and the story goes on - gradually other hard parts of life drew us further apart and it was over.

Secondhand smoke is disgusting - I really hate it - so I don't think you are over-reacting - what is more important than clean air?

Seeing as my insistence on certain things and his resentment grew stronger - it got intolerable - so I have no suggestions except - stick to your rights and tell him to clean up the butts and smoke away from the house - because you have the right to that.

I feel angry just thinking about it - and the cost is astronomical - and the health risks to you unacceptable - not good at all.

I would like to go on and on about it - I choose not to - I will say about smoking inside your house - enough is enough. Personally - I don't like anyone smoking near me in public now - and move away - knowing smoking in some public places is not allowed. 

All the best with that and - I am so glad to meet you.

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

Hi @Historylover 

Welcome to the Secondhand Smoke Club.

Smoking is becoming more and more socially unacceptable. I am so glad about this - aw - I live about 2 km from the station but I think I can smoke when anyone lights up when they get off the train.

And walking out of the terminal at a busy airport - wow - a wall of smoke - which seems to be getting less as people are catching up with the anti-smoking life.

I'm glad to see you this afternoon

Owlunar

[SmilingGecko]

Hi @Owlunar 

Yes it was hard as a child living in a house full of cigarette smoke. I developed hyperglycaemia by the time I was older and second-hand smoke made my condition worse but they refused to stop smoking in the house.

I'm glad I am older and live on my own. I would not consider hooking up with a smoker. My ex was a smoker but he smoked outside but you could smell it on his breath and clothes.

Its terrible having such an imposition being made upon you @SecondHandSmoke I hope something can be done to stop this situation from continuing.  I think the folks on here all agree that we are entitled to breathe clean air!

[Historylover]

Good to hear from you, @Owlunar. I've been wondering how you're getting on.

I wondered if you'd been able to get a glimpse of the recent—was it a meteor? I imagine you've been having a delightful time with your home-based planetarium these days.

We have an aurora about to be displayed, too, I read. I don't know if it will be—or was—visible in Melbourne. You'll have to let me know. I wish I could enjoy all of this star gazing with you. I never did get around to getting my binoculars. I think of you every time I hear of an astronomical event. 

I hope you're keeping well and enjoying yourself after your return. 

[ClockFace]

@SecondHandSmoke @Historylover @SmilingGecko @Owlunar @Appleblossom 

I grew up in a family of smokers and turned out to be a smoker myself. My Mum smokes, in her room however I have been kicked outside to smoke.

I wish I didnt smoke, I have enough medical issues and I struggle financially so wasting money there is just stupid. 

The difficulty for any smoker, especially a heavy smoker is wanting to give up. The above is logical but smoking is enjoyable and sometimes more enjoyable than the logical reasons to give up. 

Ive been tying to give up for years, life events stop me, chronic pain etc.

I think everyone should give up but its not easy to, how easy differentates between person to person

[Historylover]

@ClockFace, I really wonder how inhaling smoke can be enjoyable?

It doesn't really relax any more than learning to meditate would, surely? (I'm not a meditator). Just sitting having a cup of coffee or tea would also be relaxing. So what really is enjoyable about drawing smoke into your lungs? It used to be promoted as masculine, sporty, sophisticated, social etc. It's none of those things, it's really injurious to your health.

I hope you will give serious consideration to the effect it is having on your health and on your life more generally. It's up to you.