I don't know where to even begin.I have found myself in a situation of caring for my mother in law. This has happened by default. I never volunteered and I don't think I am the one who should be doing it. That sounds cold...but I am not equipped for the task! My husband has his own anxiety and depression issues and she refuses to let him do anything for her anyway.
Back Story.
I met my husband 17 years ago. At the time I was 18 and he was 22 and he lived at home with his mother and sister. A few months into our relationship they were evicted from the home as his mother had not been paying the rent. My husband and his sister had no idea that she hadn't been paying the rent. They ended up couch hopping and then in emergency housing. Not long after this he and I decided to get a house together and moved in with some friends of mine from work. At this point his mother stopped talking to him for about a year as she felt he had abandoned her. Eventually they reconciled and by this time my husband and I were living on our own. His mother came to visit for 2 nights...and a year later she was still there. We felt sorry for her and decided to let her stay. During this time I noticed that she seemed to have a very active relationship with 'God'. She would tell me things like she was interceding on behalf of others who had demons. I would hear her roaring and praying in her room. Although coming from a Christian faith background myself, I personally thought she was suffering delusions but she had a friend who would visit occasionally who seemed to believe the same. I decided to leave it alone...each to their own spirituality. My MIL was also drinking very heavily and one evening we got a phone call from the local bottle shop saying she had just abused the staff member verbally. My husband picked her up and brought her home...and she smashed a wine bottle over his head, began making strange roaring and ooshing sounds, praying in tongues and told him he was possessed by demons. We called the police and they removed her. We told her she couldn't come back to our house and she went to stay with her parents and sister on the coast.
Unfortunately, a few months later her father died and she stayed the night at our house after the funeral. ..that night turned into another year. She was drinking heavily and occasionally violent and we were not equipped to deal with her. She began to say my husband was assaulting her (once she was drunk and tripped down the stairs and twisted her ankle and began screaming that he had pushed her. he was in the room with me at the time so I knew this could not possible be true). We 'evicted' her and I had to get my father to come and tell her to leave. She went to stay with her daughter for a while and somehow ended up back with us. The strain was too much on my relationship with my husband and I left for a while. We eventually reconciled and moved into a new house with his sister and mother. I was relieved as it meant 3 adults could take over caring for her. Fast forward 10 years. Everything plodded along, she was clearly mentally ill but not dangerous or suicidal...just odd . She was socially isolated but didnt seem to be having any episodes. I managed to get her to see a doctor once but she claimed the female doctor abused her by touching her stomach (she had gone in with a gastric issue) she had regular contact with a couple of friends via telephone and would sometimes join in when we had friends over for dinner parties etc. A few times she would come shopping with me and she even enrolled in an online uni degree (the same as mine...which I found annoying but...better than watching telly all day right?) All seemed ok...that is until my husband and I got married and said that we would like to live on our own. (Now 28 and 32 respectively...fair call right?) His sister agreed she and her boyfriend could afford the extra rent to cover us leaving and we moved out.
Over the next year his mother went steadily downhill. When we would visit there were plates of food all over the floor and dog faeces. She hadnt showered. Her room smelled awful. The sister was clearly not doing anything about it (I am not being accusatory here - she was obviously at a loss to how to deal with it herself). We insisted MIL see a doctor but she refused...she had a friend tell us we should leave her alone and it was her decision, my husbands sister said that MIL told her she was fine and was just going through something spiritual.
My husband and I moved to a country town 2 hours away. 6 months later his father died (had been divorced from mother for 20 years). We went to stay with them for the funeral and the day before the funeral...the sheriff turned up and evicted them for non payment of rent. Due to the horrendous circumstances and the funeral etc...we again felt we had no choice but to take her in. Hubby's sister promised she would find them a new place within 2 weeks...she did try and MIL said no to every option presented to her. So...for the last 2 and a half years MIL has been with us. Over this time her health has deteriorated. She does not leave her bedroom except to go to the bathroom (toilet) once a day...sometiomes not even that. I know this because it is a very small house and when she moves she shuffles and stomps very loudly. The rest of the time she urinates in bottles and cups which she hides somewhere and waits until we go out to empty them. On numerous occasions I have been presented with a very smelly garbage bag full of bottles - she claims it is just water. She has had maybe 6 showers in the time she has been here. She now rarely wears clothes. Her room smells horrendous. She keeps promising to go to the doctor but it never eventuates as there will be a spiritual reason not to do so.
My husbands mental health has also been an issue. He is incredibly depressed and frustrated and can see no way out of the situation. He feels guilty about what would happen to his mother if she wasnt with us but doesnt do anything to help me with her care. We are virtually housebound as I have to take her all her meals, do all her shopping and I am the only face she sees (except for a quick visit from her daughter every 2 months or so). She no longer seems capable of even making herself a cup of tea or sticking a meal in the microwave. I am just about to finish a uni degree. I can no longer have my life on hold. We are becoming isolated ourselves as we feel we cant even have friends come to stay. My own mother will not visit because she is so disgusted that I have been left with this situation. I can't even get any assistance such as carers allowance as she is undiagnosed. My husband and I have called the mental health access line but they wanted to talk to her and she refused so nothing came of it. We have talked to our GP several times but he has said there is not really anything he can do. Better to try and convince her to come to doctor. We are now in a waitlist to see a social worker at the local hospital.
Am I within my rights to call an ambulance as she is a danger to herslef through neglect? She will not let me help her shower and I just take her food 3 times a day. She denies she had any issues and it is between her and God. I can hear her roaring and swearing and talking to someone in her room every night. I keep asking if she is ok and if she wants to talk but she says she is fine. I have heard her crying nightly. The last 2 nights she has been having long conversations with herself and then yelling things such as "i would be better off homeless", "are you serious...i dont believe you" "I want to die...just let me die "I dont care about what you want me to do in future...i care about now". A minute later she is on the phone with her daughter having a completely normal conversation about the Easter long weekend.
Does anyone have any advice? If I call an ambulance or mental health team she will just act totally sane although she cannot hide her self-neglect and hygeine issues. Do I wait for my appt with a social worker or should I be doing something immediately. I am worried if she goes to hospital she will just act sane and they will send her home and nothing will be achieved. (This has been my experience with another family member who threatened suicide on facebook). She has just turned 65..maybe Aged Care can help? Appreciate any ideas as I am now depressed myself and just can't do this any longer.
Note: We are in New South Wales
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN