Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JamesBluntus]

Now, please understand here, I myself have minor depression, so I know what it's like when someone says "Oh you're just lazy" so I am not suggesting that everyone with depression is faking and please understand that I am not the greatest wordsmith and can clumsily word things. I am also new to this (supporting someone through depression), so I want to make sure I receive as much information to enable me to best support her.

With that said, my question is, can providing too much support, dropping everything to rush to someone's side, immediately replying to a message etc, actually be counter productive and have the opposite effect and make the depression worse by encouraging it?

If the answer is yes, then my next question is how do you strike the right balance between supporting someone, and not encouraging the depression?

[Shaz51]

Hello @JamesBluntus

There is a thread called " Carers Hints and Tips " to have a look at

my question is, can providing too much support, dropping everything to rush to someone's side, immediately replying to a message etc === yes you can do too much , they need to do things for themselves too which I know is hard

my next question is how do you strike the right balance between supporting someone, -- sometimes it is hard to find a balance sometimes , and I have bitten my touge and try stopping my self lots of times from stepping in with my husband who has mental illness

I have taged you in the other thread if you like to have a look

[Appleblossom]

I think providing too much support can create dependency, which is different to depression, though there are superficial similarities.

Each person and relationship is individual.

[Milly1]

Hi there.

It's a good question. I don't know the answer either. I'm supporting both my sons through depression. One will be up, then the other goes down, vice versa.

I raised them on my own, and over-compensated in trying to be both parents. I still do so much for them. When either of them are down, I drop everything & try to help them as best I can.  Lately I've wondered how much should I be doing for them.  Just hate seeing my boys so down. Yes, due to supporting them, I have mild depression at the moment too. It's tough propping up two people.

I wish you well in your efforts.

[Former-Member]

Hey @JamesBluntus @Milly1

Finding a balance is difficult but it is important for our own self preservation to do it.

Setting boundaries is the official term for this, I think of boundaries as relationship rules that protect our hearts. Ending up being a door mat is not healthy for us and mental illness does not excuse a patient from certain behaviours. Boundaries can be hard to set but if you start with one you can build on it. You might need to be strong as resistance can occur, but you may also be surprised and the patient might realise that perhaps their behaviour has been inconsiderate or selfish.

Remembering too that psych meds (if your loved ones are in any) are generally not a cure but provide symptom relief to enable a patient to learn to cope better. Healing or remission does require effort from the patient - something they must do themselves. We can only encourage them and provide a loving supportive atmosphere which will allow them to grow. Sometimes boundaries can help foster resilience.

Learning when to call back up if the situation deteriorates is important.

There are carer support groups and resources available to help as we find our way, it really helps to use them.

Darcy

[JamesBluntus]

Thank you very much @Former-Member for that help. It is very much appreciated.

[Former-Member]

hello @JamesBluntus @Milly1

Your question is a good one.

actually i believe all questions are good.

you have had some very good responses on here as well, from carers who know firsthand living with someone with symptoms of depression

I note that you said that you know what depression is like as you experience mild depression.

I have had major depression on and off for most of my life.

The length of time I have had the depression and the depth of that depression is not the important factor here. We cannot measure one person's depression against another's. all people are individuals including those who suffer from symptoms of any mental illness. therefore each and every experience is different.

Aside from the illness there are the people themselves and their own personalities. As we would bring up a child who has no symptoms of mental illness, we would set boundaries and expect respect within our home. we would expect appreciation, assistance, recognition.

These expectations need to be the same with those who have the symptoms of depression.

My son moved back in with his father when he was older. He did not pay board and did very little around the home. His father basically screamed at him when he was tired of doing everything himself. He set no routine, structure, boundaries. I tried to explain to him how important it was to take board money, teach them how to budget regardless of what he chose to do with the money. We divorced years ago as we had such different values, beliefs. He does not want to change.

Consequently my son, as an adult learnt to expect, respond aggressively. I have always told him that I will not tolerate this behaviour. He now treats each of us differently.

It is very hard when we see them unwell, our maternal instinct wants to take away their pain. We cant do this as much as we want this so badly. We can teach them to respect, care, like, be responsible and love. These attributes in themselves they can learn to use for themselves in how they think about and treat themselves. self respect, self esteem

i apologise for the length I always write huge epics. However, I have now come to the conclusion those who dont want to read it all wont, those who do will. It has helped me in writing my feelings and thoughts down

i wish you and your sons all the best... enjoy the magical moments with them no matter how small

[Former-Member]

sorry have just read back, I was responding to both posts and should have said sons and daughters. parental instinct not maternal instinct

[Former-Member]

Hey @JamesBluntus
Checking in to see how you and your friend are going.
Darcy

[JasJac]

@JamesBluntus 

Can providing TOO MUCH support encourage depression? yes, the concepts of self-determination and people doing for themselves being facilitators for recovery are quite well established. the more you encourage someone to do for themselves the more opportunities they have to take action and grow in the short and long term. so the next time they wake up feeling down they know there is a way out and can choose to carry on rather than having to wait for the friend to respond or support worker to be available.

Depression by description can have a focus on all the things externally that are going wrong, so the more opportunities in your supporting partnership that your friend has to feel responsible and accountatble, the more in control they may feel, to refocus from the things that can't be controlled.

The ideal support also depends on the relationship you have with your friend and the give and take that has already been established and working well for you both to flourish as friends and individually.

it's fantastic that you are soo supportive of your friend. lots of people would wish to have someone like you.