Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Attahua]

Hi all, I haven't posted in quite some time and things are actually ticking along relatively smoothly. My long term partner who has schizoeffective disorder has not had a relapse since this time last year so fingers crossed it will be a peaceful year! However, we have a long standing never ending disagreement and I just cannot seem to quite see it from his perspective so posting in here for advice, others experiences etc! I work full time as a teacher of 5 year olds so my job can be quite exhausting and very demanding at times. My partner has a casual job and a very very understanding employer. The issue is that my partner does not rise before 10 am and then he may or may not go to work, depending how he feels and how he feels varies from one week to the next! Once he is up he is quite active and if not working he cleans the house and cares for the garden for which I am very grateful but unfortunately that does not pay our bills. I do nag him about going to work as he is quite the control freak about our money and as he pays all the bills he reminds we regularly that we are on a tight budget, ! The part he doesn't seem to grasp or is not willing to admit is that we could have a little more cash flow if he got up at a normal time and went into work, the work is there, he just needs to do it!!! That's when we have the same argument as he says his monthly depot makes him really really tired and he finds it hard to function. Well I can't argue with that as I know nothing about his medication and I do empathise that it would  have its side effects. Let's remember however that he is able to rise early to go fishing and when camping he is able to again rise early!!!I feel like such a martyr going on and on about him needing to work more, three days a week is really all he needs to push through but it simply isn't happening and every payday the bills get paid and there is very little else left to enjoy. 

[Lunar]

Hi there @Attahua,

It indeed has been a long time since hearing from you on the forums, it's great that things have been ticking along smoothly for yourself, glad you are doing okay 🙂

It sounds like the cause of some longstanding disagreements with your partner is about them not being able to rise early enough for work to be able to get those extra hours in, it's great that his employer is understanding of his mental health but unable to give him some extra hours work around his schedule which works with his side effects of the medication, etc.

Does your partner go to sleep extra early so he is able to get up easier by any chance?

Lunar

[Attahua]

Hi Lunar, no he doesn't go to bed any earlier but of course that would make sense!!!!You know it probably wouldn't matter as much if he didn't constantly go thru the transaction history, question me on any purchases that didn't look like groceries and constantly remind me of the strict budget we are on. He used to blame my 17 year old for costing us money , no more or less than a child does but he can't use her as a scapegoat anymore as sadly she moved seven hours drive away to complete her final year of schooling due to the stress of living with my partner and his mood swings and episodes. I have suggested seperate bank accounts but again that ends in me being yelled at as to his credit he maintains the garden and foes most of the housework on his days home so threatens to charge me for that if we get seperate accounts??!!@@ I was seeking professional help regarding his 'controlling' nature and felt I was beginning to see things a lot clearer but unfortunately that doc moved towns and it is no secret that country towns are short of qualified mental health workers 

[Lunar]

Oh I am so sorry to hear that @Attahua, I really feel for you

There is a lot going on and it sounds like your partner has a control issue in regards to becoming almost obsessive with knowing about the funds, possibly a lot to do with your partner's anxiety, do you think?

And you mentioned you were getting support to manage this and mantain some boundaries with a counsellor but they have moved towns, is your GP able to link you in with someone again? Or even going to a support group or using helplines to gain that extra support?

It sounds terribly hard coping around this especially if he is yelling at you, make sure you look after yourself and walk away or try to do things that let him know you won't accept him yelling at you (maintaining boundaries)... it can be really hard to do this though so that support is perhaps what is needed right now?

Lunar

[Former-Member]

Hey @Attahua

Feeling your pain sister.

Am wondering if your partner might be struggling at work but does not want to say.

My Mr Darcy was like this but it eventually work became too much for him and he had to give up. He feels the loss of his situation. For quite a while we lived on just my wage but he was able to get the DSP (adjusted down due to my salary but it does help esp with discounts).

I read that you found professional help beneficial. I echo the thoughts of @Lunar.

I am hoping my GP will give me a couple of days off so I can attend a Wellways carer support and education program. I live in a rural area, closest major centre is 85 km away but Wellways carer support worker visits me during my lunch break.

Supports available include Carers Aust , Wellways & Sane all have phone services.

Take care
Darcy

[Attahua]

Thank you so much, have not heard of well ways but will do some research !!!!! No I don't believe he is struggling at work, not really there often enough, he can manage three days a week but sometimes he ends up at the mines which turn into 14 hour days and that knocks him for six but again he manages when he only has to do a couple!!! 

[Attahua]

Thanks Lunar!!! There are definite control issues in this situation and my counsellor was able to clarify that and give it a 'label' which quite shocked me. My daughter moved on partly as a result which broke my heart. He does yell a lot but then twists it and blames me for antagonising him ....when putting it down like this it makes me realise more and more that it's not okay! Then again in situations like this I do question myself and think we'll maybe I have antagonised him but in my opinion I am only stating the obvious when it comes to our money issues, if he worked more or at least got to work before 10 am on the days he does work then he would get paid a little more........this is when he yells and tells me I don't know what it's like being on his meds , and he is right I don't!!!!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Attahua

I hope I did not offend. I do not want to diminish the pain you are feeling.

I split off bank accounts after being married 30+ years as Mr Darcy who was not properly diagnosed was running away. He did not seem to care, he thought he could live homeless off charity ... It was a hard decision but I was was not going to fund him if he chose not to live with me.

Charging you for domestic services??? Forgetting that we don't demand bills be split 50/50 ...

When appreciation is lacking and we feel it is all give and no take it is tough.

Thank God we don't know what it is like to be on psych meds ... I had to research these as I am Mr Darcy's enduring guardian and have had to help in decision making.

Darcy

[Lunar]

Oh I see @Attahua those control issues seem like they are definitely having an impact in other areas, especially in regards to wanting him to work more, BUT that doesn't mean it is okay for him to yell at you, he can still talk it through with you about how that is making him feel when you suggest him working more. Anger won't make you react in the way he needs so it's best he communicates that to you.

I do know what you mean about his medication, but it would be helpful for him to learn what that feeling is of being agitated or angry and 'name it' rather than let it out on you, or let it out in a way that makes him feel good afterwards, such as going for a walk, etc

Thinking of you!

Lunar

[Attahua]

No not offended at all!!! I appreciate your honesty and you are right.....he essentially is threatening to charge me for ' domestic services!!!' Put like that made me giggle as it really is  ridiculous!