Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Weary33]

Hi All

As I explained in an earlier post, I believe my wife of 30 years may have BPD.

My kids are are adults.  My daughter is married and recently move about 5 hours away.  My son is just about to move overseas.  They have both been my main emotional support.  They have not come through unscathed but they understand their Mum and are working away at life.

Over the weekend I had a couple of long conversations with my wife.

I told her that I was exhausted.  I tried to explain that some of thevcore beliefs we hold mean we wont ever be able to find harmony with each other.  For example I challenged her on her belief that out relationship is a power struggle. (Something she has always felt but I reject as not true for my part). 

I told her that I think there is no future for us if we keep the status quo.  She says I have written her off.

In a way shes right. 

I think the relationship I thought we could have is not attainable and never was.  That has been pretty hard to get my head around.  Its hard to let go of goal when its been such a hard slog for so long.

On the other hand I cant help hanging on to the hope that things could be better.  I would like to lay everything out on the table.... She is so sceptical though.

She is convinced I have bi polar.  My Dad had Schitzo Affective Disorder nearly my whole life.  (He passed away in 2016) so its not such a stretch.  I do get depressed and anxious at times.  I take medication for this.  I have also done some serious psych therapy (at her insistance) which was helpful and enlightening as always.  The truth is I am not bi polar, just struggling away with the hand Ive been dealt.

I, however, am not able to suggest she has serious emotional issues which impact her closest relationships. I want to challenge her to "talk these things out" as our couples counselor suggested.  I would like to tell her straight that I think she has something like BPD.  I just feel the reaction against me will be too much.

She comes back at me so well that my I question everything that I think.  This leaves me confused and deflated.  At times I feel overwhelmed by the hopelessness of the situation.

I am just so consumed by it all now.  I do a lot of ruminating and overthinking.  I want to somehow break out of this deadlock but I cant see how. I want to get out but Im afraid Ill be making a huge mistake.  I find our relationship so hard but I cant stand the thought of hurting her.

Any insights would be really appreciated.

[tyme]

Hey @Weary33 ,

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you have been living with the impacts of BPD. I really relate to what it feels like as a carer, and I can speak to what it feels like as a person with BPD. I have BPD.

Life is up one moment and down the next. It's a world full of conflicting ideas and confusion.

Good news, it's very treatable. Through talking therapies. MBT was a lifesaver for me. After 18 months, things really shifted and life is truly incredible now.

If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer.

Please know you are not alone.

[Weary33]

Hi @tyme 

I thought I posted a response just now. (quite a long one too!)

I cant find it now. Is there a chance its gone somewhere I dont know about?

If not, Ill make another attempt soon:)

Cheers