Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[wellwellwellnez]

Hmmm. Two things just occurred to me.

1. I would love to compare notes with your wise-worded son.

2. If such a suggestion came from you there's a high probability that it will have automatic and ridiculously heavy baggage instantly attached. (both from your notes and my own experience. It's the sad part of where attachment issues meet vulnerability).

Hmmmmmm. That's a tricky one. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[Former-Member]

@Sharona1 

Ok Sharona,

Yes, your situation is very real. Your experiences are each very real.

• I get the picture when you do things, you have purpose and clarity and storm or briskly walk around getting things done.

There is a time and place for sitting down quietly, yes, but that's perhaps after you've shoved your feelings off your doorstep and done what needs doing.

You sound really frustrated and not-allowed-to do many things.

It sounds like your son is always, in your eyes, in the resting for a bit after a hard days work phase. Is any of this relatable or even inaccurate?

Yes, the goverment has saved a huge amount of money by avoiding investing in housing for a start. Health care too - after you've visited the gp again and again and end up back at square one.

I'm not quite sure what the plans were for kids buying or renting that were born in the $1000 baby bonus era.

So there you both are, in the one house.

The problem with respite, as you mentioned, is you come back to the same physical environment. Nothing has changed.

Except maybe he has developed some freedom and confidence. Done things that are wonderful or seem great but a tiny step in your eyes.

Maybe he has made progress in some areas, while regressed in others.  Still not leaving the house much, if ever.

Well, that my dear, comes down to clarity and safety. Like you don't have to walk on eggshells just walking to the nearest store.

Like financial safety where you aren't endlessly choosing which products to put off buying again.

Feeling like strangers in the community will care for you. Or show some sign that you exist.

Who you can share a few seconds of 'we/ us time' - for example - eye contact or a peek at each other's body language.

That, like when you and the family ran away, you had each other. Someone to watch your back. All flawed and different. All, possibly but unlikely, with one common goal. Protect each other, or at a minimum, just be there to dust you off, make you smile and feel like your old self, and send you on your way.

Speaking of avoiding your father. It's understandable that family members avoided each other's pain and distress, like staring straight at the tv screen.

So, what got you up off your feet and burying yourself into a task?

It could be many things, like he graciously yelled at you to get lost off 'his' couch, belittled you into raging away intent on one thing?

Well, this society, including you and your son, have been left to fend for yourselves. There is no safe haven to move to and no family to count on. It sounds like you are both just grasping for control over your right to potter around your own gd home.

Unfortunately, as long as goverment senatars and mps and yourself - you avoid feelings and human rights and social psycho stuff - anything with people's feelings in, you two will not ever go about your busy lives as if nothing has happened.

Federal election coming up. Have you figured out who you are voting for below the line? Which people know excactly how you must be living and you feel would 'get' your son out the house and with the people in real life that he possibly shines in?

Just write down 12 people. Who cares what party they are in. Make a game or adventure of it if you like. Probably not with your son. Sounds like you're a bit too chirpy and forceful or rushing determinately for your son.

Your son covering his eyes. He is probably overwhelmed. Just like you were when you posted this original thread.

Is the place a mess? Do you just pop into his room out of the blue and expect his full attention? To shift his full attention from one deep state to a new one just because you spoke?

Did you pass him and say or wave hello each, then later you got all in his face because you got inspired or clarity or a thing you urgently need to talk about or a craving for more socialising?

If so, you'll need to find other people to go have those moments with. For both your sakes.

Please tell me how much of this I got wrong. And how much of this you can relate to.

[Appleblossom]

@Sharona1 Hello

Welcome to the forum.  Hope it provides some support.

I have heard of people downsizing for a range of reasons.  I have thought of it, but not done it yet, maybe I will not need to, but we will see.

I can relate to many things you wrote about, but I am keeping this short.  It is not good for you to be intimidated as you age and your health becomes more vulnerable.

I wanted you to know... that I loved your phrase "carer patting".  Yep.  Know what thats like.  some ways it is better than carer blaming ... but can also be a bit useless, if it is maintaining non viable scenarios.

[Former-Member]

Oh yes. Carer Patting is fabulous.

Carer Padding too. As if plumping up a pillow is going to turn wooden floors into a matteress.

I'm sorry for being quite harsh.

I was trying to be empathetic to you both.

[NatureLover]

Hi @Sharona1 ...I've read through your thread, and I really feel for you 💔

You sound in an impossible situation that's not good for you in any way. I am so sorry to hear. 😞

I am wishing that you can get your son to move into his empty flat. And then can start focusing on yourself and your own needs. 

I am also hoping you can get a counsellor of your own, and some professional support for you. (Your thread is titled "zero suppports" 😞 )

Do you have any male friends or family that could help you ask your son firmly to move into his own flat? Even a male neighbour? As well as helping you cope (you sound at the end of your rope), it would do him good to start facing up to what he can't manage in life, and so maybe get some help for himself moving forward.

Sending wishes for you @Sharona1 ...