Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

I feel desperately lonely yet, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the 'Normal' world because I am tarred with the brush of mental ill health, yet because I've sort of stabilised now, I don't belong with my former peers either. I feel beige, uncoloured and boring with no emotion really even though if I had to say anything it is gutted. I feel trapped in a world I don't want and didn't ask for, yet whenever I try and break the shackles of failure, I am thrust back into the dark and reminded yet again of my failures (my Father is a constant person to remind me). I feel alone, even in a crowded room. I feel unheard, even if I am screaming loudly. 

I guess I am just searching for something and not sure what. 

Does anyone else feel beige?

[Mazarita]

Hi @Queenie, I like beige, it goes with so many colours. But I get that your comparison has a different meaning. I'm really sorry your father is undermining you, and that you feel unheard. I get some of my sense of being heard here on the forum. Failure, I've felt it too, and do now, though I try to make the most of what I have. I'd rather be happy and consciously try to be though the unconscious mind seems powerful and old emotional habits are hard to break, I find. Then there's just the genetics of our conditions. It's understandable we might feel down about it, isn't it? Anyway, just wanted to give you a response to your question. A hug if you'd like one. You've been through a lot lately. Hope it's soon to be smoother sailing for you and loved ones. 

[Lauz]

Hi @Queenie,

I think @Mazarita has responded so brilliantly here and I just wanted to say that I agree.

Beige can have different meanings and maybe we could play with a different perspective. Beige is quite an earthy tone, so what if instead of it being negative it could mean that for the moment you are adjusting to feeling a bit grounded? Colours will come eventually. Beige can be so calming with some greens and dusty oranges. And thats how I see you in the forums - a calming and achieved person that is always here for their peers within this space. By sharing here you are already winning as you have broken the shackles of fear.

I hope this makes you feel a little less trapped today.

Lauz

[Former-Member]

I agree with @Mazarita. Being human is confusing and scary let alone having a MI on top. Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done i know) I'm trying to live a day at a time at the moment because I am still wondering of my place in the world. Thinking of you and hoping you are ok. 

[utopia]

@Queenie. How terrible that your father reminds you of your so called 'failures'. That's not the type of energy you need in your life.
Focus on the positives. You are stabalised. You are doing really well. Celebrate that achievement.
I agree with the others re: beige.
Red goes great with beige.

[Queenie]

Wow thank you everyone for your replies, they mean a great deal to me. Also thank you for allowing me to find a space where I do belong, even if it is just behind words on a screen. Coming here, I feel like a real person again. 

My Father brings up bad memories. He called me out of the blue this evening to tell me he is moving house soon and wants to give me all things that remind him of me back to me. This includes childhood photos, belongings and such. Things parents usually hold onto to remind them of the love for their child. I've been told by others there are no pictures of me in the home at all, I've been permanently wiped from existence. All my existence lies in a few boxes and a couple of saddles (from the competition days), now he is giving me them back, it feels like he will cut contact altogether. I rue the day he passes away, for I don't think I'll even be told until well after his funeral. To him, I am nothing but dirt beneath his feet. That makes me sad. I want to be able to block him on my phone so he cannot contact myself, but he calls from different numbers each time. I got to the point I was refusing to answer my mobile, so he couldn't bring me down. That didn't work, he turned up unexpectedly at my house.

Thank you also everyone for reminding me that being beige isn't so bad. I guess it means I compliment others who are with me. I guess sitting with the feeling that I wasn't extraordinary by any means left me feeling a little sorry for myself (my apologies for my self-loathing).

Self-loathing is a concept that is familiar to me. I was becoming a young adult in an era when it was cool to hate yourself. To dress in black and loathe everything and hate yourself intensely. It is like I am still trapped there. Does that make sense at all? I've stabilised and yes, I must learn its okay to celebrate that achievement. It has taken since my adolescence to reach. 

Sorry I am just rambling now. So I'll end this post here.

Thank you thank you thank you!

@Mazarita @Lauz @Former-Member @utopia

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Queenie,

You seem to have attracted people to this thread who have fashion sense and know what goes with beige. I need to take some notes!

I can hear how super lonely you feel. My entire social network is here in Forum Land so I can definitely relate to your sense of social isolation. My turtle whisperer and I were talking just this morning about how I really need some interpersonal relationships in the real world, yet the nature of my muddle makes that impossible, and therein lies a puzzle which neither I nor my turtle whisperer have an answer to right now. So yeah, I get what it means to be desperately lonely.

I can't relate so well to your sense of being boring and lacking emotion, but I can hear how tough that is for you. I'm kind-of the opposite - my spectacular emotion dysregulation issues mean that I'm definitely never lacking emotion, and others tend to describe me with words like "overwhelming" rather than boring.

I'm afraid I have no answers for you, but I'm super glad you are here in Forum Land and I hope the connections you have here help a tiny bit with the loneliness. I know they super help me.

[Queenie]

Yes @Phoenix_Rising, I seem to have attracted forumites with fashion sense! ROFL 😄 

I think the fact that I spend most of my waking hours on here, reading posts, says a lot. I think I am very lonely and although considered extroverted, socially awkward. 

I think I need a turtle whisperer myself, but I ran out of sessions for this year.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Queenie I'm glad I made you laugh.

I have to admit, I don't feel as lonely now as I did 18months - 2 years ago. At that time I was experiencing a sense of loneliness that felt like it was crushing my soul (perhaps that is what you are currently experiencing???). And then, I think because there was no solution to the problem, I kind-of dissociated from the feeling, which was my brain's super clever way of coping. Now I struggle with the reality of my objective aloneness in the world more than with what I would call loneliness. I really notice that I no longer say "I feel lonely." Instead, I say "I feel utterly alone."

It's like...now for me the weight of social isolation is more about the practical issues of being alone, rather than the subjective experience of loneliness. Knowing that if I had an accident in my home and couldn't get to the phone, there is no one who would come looking for me. Knowing that if I had a car accident and was in a coma or something, my cats would die of starvation in the house before anyone would notice I wasn't there. Knowing that if I was in an accident or something, there are no "friends and family" who would come to the hospital. I mentioned on another thread the other day that if I was to die, there is no one to claim my body. I assume there are processes in place for the disposal of unclaimed bodies, but I have no idea what they are. To me that is the epitomy of social isolation.

Gee, that all got depressing didn't it! Way to go Phoenix_Rising!!! I guess the positive bit of this ridiculously depressing post is that I can honestly say that the feeling of loneliness has, for me, passed. And if it can pass for me, then it is entirely possible that it can pass for others too.

[Queenie]

My Father called me today after a trying day. I've spent all afternoon helping my dearest family member (the only one who gives a sh*t about me), my cousin. She is living with her own mental health issues and today was nearly hospitalised for them. I reassured her that hospital isn't that bad, that it is survivable and I would be there to support her along her journey, even if the rest of the family isn't going to.

Anyway, my Father, the day has come when he has wiped all evidence of my existence from his home. He wants to meet with me this week to hand over the remnants of my life with him. He even asked that I cancel therapy in order to do this. I feel like it is something I need this week more than ever. I tried to act so happy that I will see him (and in a way I am because I see him so rarely), but all I feel is like breaking down in a heap. I want to run and hide from the world right now. I've been crying but nobody sees. I have to be careful, so careful because my Mrs has her kids here for the weekend. I don't want to suck them all into my vortex. I feel so awful. 

Anyway forumites, that's where I am at @outlander @Mazarita @Phoenix_Rising @utopia. Instead of beige, I feel utterly black.