Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Hey @Shaz51, I am still recovering from the cold/flu nastiness, yes. I have been getting into arguments all the time with my Mrs lately, especially over the amount of sleep I've been getting recently. This wasn't what tonight's argument was about however @outlander, it was about an event I had planned all year due to fall on next Sunday. My Mrs then pipes up and reminds me it is the NRL grand final and that nothing can happen on that day because of it. This event I had planned I had been looking forward to for some time and now the whole thing is in jeopardy because of the bloody grand final! I argued my point and my Mrs has the point back that she has been a football fan for years and cannot miss for the grand final for me (despite the fact her team isn't even in it). I feel totally let down and like I am not allowed to have an opinion at all. This happens every single time we have an argument, everyone takes her side and then jumps down my throat. There is never a compromise. I was trying to come up with compromises and saying I'll switch my event to earlier in the day (I've got tickets to the theatre was going to go out with my cousin beforehand), but she just went ballistic. It is so isolating and depressing. I'm not buzzing anymore and I just feel like nobody wants me around. I feel like I am spiralling downwards and nobody here in my offline world wants to help.

[Queenie]

I was awoken early today by a phone call with bad news. I hate receiving bad news.

I also tried to call my Father today to wish him a happy birthday (he is 77 years old today) but discovered he has me on caller block (I know this because when I phoned I couldn't get through and when my Mrs tried a few seconds later it worked). I know he does this because he doesn't want me in my life but then later, fleetingly he acts like a Dad and actually speaks to me properly. I don't understand when one moment he tells me he loves me and then most of the time he treats me like trash. It has happened my whole life and is unlikely to change. He even left me homeless on the streets when he has an enormous home with granny flat lying empty (but that is in the past and is past hurt I harbour). I feel like nobody wants me in this world or even tries to understand me, especially family. I have no friends who want me in their lives. I was told by my Mrs I should plan a big 40th birthday party for myself, truth is I have no-one to invite. That makes me feel so shitty.

I don't live anymore, I just exist. One day I won't and in the grand scheme of things, life will continue on without me. Every single day I hear voices telling me to take my own life, regardless of if I am high or low. I feel sometimes like it is inevitable that one day it will happen. It might not happen today or next week or next year, but I am pretty sure it will happen. One day the voices will win.

Anyway, enough drivel from me. Stiffen that upper lip now and all that jazz... 

[outlander]

@Queenie 💙💚💛❤♥💜

[s-jay]

Hi @Queenie, sorry to hear about your bad news and also about the issues with your father. I can hear the pain in your words, but it is great that you are able to express them and give/receive so much support here.

Seeing the support you give to others is inspiring, but also want to address some of the things you wrote about suicide. Suicide Call Back Service (SCBS) are always there to talk to you about the type of thoughts you are having - maybe you have other supports as well, I hope you are able to open up to them about these thoughts of taking your own life too. Do think about talking to SCBS - there is no need for a stiff upper lip here, we're not about that. Opening up is a really powerful thing.

SCBS:
https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/
1300 659 467

[Queenie]

Hi all forumites, I finally got a hold of my Father to wish him a happy birthday like a dutiful daughter should. He acted like he was none the wiser as to why I couldn't get through yesterday (I know the real reason and continue to play dumb). I instead wrote him a letter on my laptop. I am unsure whether or not I should send it. It brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me, some of them very bad and dark emotions. I tried to send him a letter a while ago via Australia Post but found he never received it (it was intercepted by my stepmother/aunt). I thought about emailing this one as at least I will receive a notification of when it is opened. 

I can't continue with this darkness because of him. I've tried cutting ties completely, but then he does things like contacting the Police for a welfare check on me when he has not been able to get in touch. I just don't understand him (and probably never will!).

Sigh...

[outlander]

sounds like such a tough situation for you @Queenie i wouldnt really know what to do either. thinking of you though

[Queenie]

Thanks @outlander. I didn't end up sending the email. He phoned me the next day but was only after a telephone number for another family member (he didn't actually want to talk to me). I've just felt so flat ever since. I've been getting into the drink again recently and am finding it more and more appealling. I know it's not practical though to drink as it is a depressant. I just want to numb the pain so to speak. I don't understand myself at the moment. I have an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow so I might discuss this with her.

[outlander]

hi @Queenie
what a tough spot huh, drinking though sounds like a warning sign so i think having a chat with your psychologist would be a good idea, maybe she can help you work through more as well or offer to you a little more often while your going through this rough patch..

[Queenie]

I'm officially 5 days sober after my drinking party last Saturday. I still feel like a drink but am so far holding off on it. I keep reminding myself that it is a depressant so no matter how bad I feel sometimes, I will feel much worse later on if I drink. 

I managed to finish another unit of study today which is amazeballs in itself! I just keep on plodding along and I'll get it finished in time. Here's to graduation because I am determined to be there!

[Shaz51]

Way to go @Queenie 

You can do this and we are with you