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02-01-2017 10:16 PM
02-01-2017 10:16 PM
Enforced non-dating.
I'll firstly offer my understanding that what I want to discuss is a lot less important than some of the life-threatening situations listed in this forum, but I'm still interested in people's thoughts and this may be of some use to others.
As mentioned in a previous post, my therapist asked for a year of not searching for a relationship; small victory- I've managed to negotiate this down to three months! Part of the process has involved deleting dating apps; this was really hard- I feel like I've lost an arm, am hopeless/disconnected and of course now I have tonnes of spare time to fill! On the other hand, pretty much every interraction on an app I was having left me upset and distressed, so there was an element of relief in feeling rid of dastardly men too.
I'm currently on holidays in a very warm city which of course means there is a lot of flesh on display which is fairly distracting. I'm getting really frustrated with myself as I keep checking guys out and am always trying to boost my self-esteem through appearance obsession; I'm always trying to look 'nice' just in case someone else nice notices and there's the possibility of a date which of course I'm supposed to be studiously avoiding!!
Has anyone else had similar enforced singledom and how did you cope? I know that the aim is to make me feel comfortable and whole in myself and not try to find a guy to 'complete' me which is all very admirable and worthwhile buy it's very hard to put into practise and I think that the desire to couple is somewhat hard-wired into our biological make-up.
Thoughts, comments?
P.S. And I also have a number of people whom I see no redeeming features in, who have somehow been able to establish LTR's- what the what??
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03-01-2017 06:44 PM
03-01-2017 06:44 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
Firstly - what is an LTR?
I don't know whether we are hard wired to couple up or not. I guess there is a large part of me that would love a partner in my life. But I've been single now for 10 years. No dating or holding hands or anything in that time.
I have a child to bring up. So I've been busy anyway. But I've also wanted to get my head right too.
My psychologist and I worked on this topic last year.
He got me to list my top 5 core values. Eg: empathy, compassion, non judgemental, kindness etc.
He explained that any man I meet must have at least 4 of my 5 core values.
So a guy could be a number of similar things - but if he is polite to certain people but rude behind their backs - or treats waiting staff rudely - then he's out.
He can say he's kind and non judgemental - but he's just shown the opposite traits.
I wonder if you coukd do a similar exercise while you're on holiday.
List down your top 5 values.
Don't list your top 5 wants. This is about you - your true self.
As you work on this list - have a look at the people around you. Not just the gorgeous men. Lol. Look at everyone. How are they interacting? What are they saying? What does their body language say?
Soon, you'll get a feel for people's real selves.
I think this could help.
It comes down to - do you want a gorgeous man on your arm - but who is rude and materialistic?
Do you want a partner who truly loves you - at your core - & who you can trust? (& he might be gorgeous too).
And try not to let your hormones betray you. Lol. There are a lot of nice looking bodies around in summer.
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03-01-2017 07:40 PM
03-01-2017 07:40 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
@utopia I believe LTR is a long term relationship.
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03-01-2017 08:12 PM
03-01-2017 08:12 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
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03-01-2017 11:18 PM - edited 04-01-2017 12:32 AM
03-01-2017 11:18 PM - edited 04-01-2017 12:32 AM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
It really comes down to if the desire to couple is driven by dependency or mutual respect and love. The biological part is sexual. The two are very different. Ofcourse when love is present it's a natural progression - if dependency or lust is the case some can become abused and very hurt - even if they think at the time that's what they want. They may even mistakingly think it's love and many scars can result.
I don't know your background but I am assuming you have been told to find yourself first and grow within, in order to be ready for any type of intimate relationship; giving yourself time to heal and grow; perhaps because your past relationships have been somewhat unhealthy, abusive, toxic, hurtful and/or obsessive resulting in low self esteem or due to it??? Perhaps you are enforcing singledom to prevent being hurt or hurt again??Being hurt by others this way can cause significant mental scars/disorders if bad enough or happening for long enough.
If I am correct my daughter has been through and is going through the same thing. She has just broken free from an abusive relationship (psychological abuse and she has suffered sexual abuse in the past);and seems to get drawn in my males and females whom end up using her and hurting her mental, physically and emotionally because she has low self esteem.
She needs to become aware of this to not allow herself to be harmed again in such a way. This is where she needs to work on herself first. Heighten her self esteem and self respect in order to not allow toxic relationships. If she rushes into impulsive relations based on the drive for co-dependency (because she cannot be on her own) she is a target to once again be abused, form further toxic relations and be further harmed. This can destroy a person, their self esteem and is no small matter.
She definitely needs to stay away until she strengthens in herself and grows. If you relate to any of the traits, experiences or issues above it would be wise to resist the biological impulse. There has been scientific studies which resulted in the findings that numerous/prolonged impulsive sexual relations which have no basis in mutual respect and long term nurturing, resulted over time in those individuals experiencing feeling very "empty" and as a result suffered depression, anxiety, worthlessness, mental health issues (for as much as we like to think that is just fun - many can come away feeling insignificant as individuals as we are repeatedly tossed away or toss away when finished with....Low self esteem results).
That is my thoughts on it. Hope some of it helps xx
P.S. Redeeming qualities are in the eye of the beholder. What is appealing to some may not be to others. What some see attractive such as physical appearance (chemistry being the ultimate relationship deal maker ), good job and financial status; others may see as primarily attractive is what lies in the heart of the person. Those redeeming qualities that make a relationship last such as mutual respect, shared values/goals, trust, loyalty, faithfulness, honest communication, sense of humour, good heartedness and genuinely caring about the welfare and happiness of the other as much as their own. A heart of gold is the redeeming treasure in my humble opinion.
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09-01-2017 03:57 PM
09-01-2017 03:57 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
Hi @notmyrealname1,
I haven't had an experience with enforced non-dating, but I did go through a period of complete celibacy for around 18 months, at one point. I believe this experience helped me to re-evaluate what I really wanted in a partner and made me feel more comfortable with myself. The celibacy thing kind of "just happened" to me.
I guess I'm wondering why your dating app experiences were leaving you feeling so distressed? I'm asking this because a friend of mine is doing a lot of internet dating right now and she seems to be having a great time... meeting a lot of nice men (although no-one really compatible, yet.)
Enjoy your holiday in the sun. I'm sure that looking at members of the opposite sex is kind of unavoidable!
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11-01-2017 11:48 PM
11-01-2017 11:48 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
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14-01-2017 11:52 PM
14-01-2017 11:52 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
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14-01-2017 11:59 PM
14-01-2017 11:59 PM
Re: Enforced non-dating.
Are you still on holiday? How have you found the enforced non dating? Did our responses help - or have we got your situation wrong?
I hope you are finding the non dating a bit easier as time goes on.