Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Former-Member 

I heard your struggle in the first post, and noticed that the initial response was a bit skewed positive.

@RainforestI am really glad that you back and fro'd about it.

It is no small thing to survive a Schizophrenic mother.  I also had that experience, and only barely managed to survive. I am still here, and you are here in all honesty and no BS. Maybe there is hope.

Weird thing @Jo-anneJoy is I know that author.

[Appleblossom]

Tis a good article. @Jo-anneJoy 

SM and I discussed a lot regarding serious mental illness, back in the late 1980s and throughout the1990s, esp re schizophrenia and also grief, both visible and invisible grief.

I have come to the understanding that my parents' childhood experiences were sufficiently traumatic to cause various trauma responses within each individual which seriously interfered with their ability to parent us. I did forgive them. My experience as oldest daughter meant I did a lot of the parenting of younger siblings, as was common in many families.  Healing is much bigger than the "aceptance" word or the "forgiveness" word. I am glad SMs article admits it can take decades to unravel ... a false sense of parent as loving and present.

My illusion regarding my mother only began to break down here after I joined the forum, a year before she died., ie 5 years ago.  Everybody else knew, but I kept leaving myself open. I finally had the time and mental space to connect up all the dots regarding my early attachment situations ... of which there were many ... and am gradually figuring out who I am, and why I have had my life narrative and personal reactions etc etc. 

@Former-MemberI hope there is some value in what I shared.  You are not alone in struggling with seriously mentally ill parents, and then one's own struggles.  In many ways I have had to understate things for palatability, for the general pre- Covid public ...

Further to SM discussion on invisible griefs, I will add that there is a dimension of trickiness that can occur regarding illusion, reality and delusion, after a diagnoses of mental illness has been made. 

Take Care ALL

[Jo-anneJoy]

@Appleblossom   I find that SM's articles keep on giving whenever I go back, after a while,

and reread them.   She had me at "Lives Unseen" which reminded me of how Paul McKillop of 

NAAMI described children of parents with a mental illness as the invisible generation.

Depending on the phase of the moon, I either resent or welcome the narrative I have as a

daughter of madness  as per Susan Nathiel's book.  Having no siblings, it is very rare to come

across anything published by a fellow sole hostage inmate offspring which can make me

feel even more isolated.  Especially when the internalized spoiltselfishcantsharetoys chorus line of the negative stereotypical only child stigma starts up.  It can and has been tricksy fore me, opening up to folks who cherish the collective assumptions and don't want them shattered. Also to people who are well-endowed with sibs. The more grizzled and aged I become, the more I 'get' why my father was so silent. 

@Former-Member  I'm reflecting on what you wrote and letting it percolate through until I can string some words together.  I have not long been in this forum community and it's all new to me so I'm just here nodding along. 

[Jo-anneJoy]

Parking this link here to a recent article written by a UK therapist whose concepts have enabled me to deeply work with experiences that have yet to make it into the training manual here for certain sectors.....

@Former-Member  @Appleblossom 

https://karenwoodall.blog/2020/05/22/where-the-bodies-are-buried-relational-trauma-through-the-generations/

[Shaz51]

Hello @Jo-anneJoy , @Former-Member , how are you going today , thinking of you 

@Appleblossom @CheerBear 

[Appleblossom]

@Jo-anneJoy Sorry I did not respond to your last post, I must have missed it in notifications or ..?

Hope you are doing alright.

Will check out link.

Doing the griefwork has made a huge difference to me.

Tale Care

Thanks for tag @Shaz51 

[Jo-anneJoy]

Hey @Shaz51 @Appleblossom 

I might have forgotten how to tag properly...if I hadn't saved my log-in details to 

my browser I wouldn't have remembered them.  I don't think I have another new password with uppercase/lowercase, symbol, number, more than 14 letters, etc etc  in me.... 

Been in my new habitat 9 months and COVID restrictions with social groups are starting to 

lift, so am looking forward to mixing with arty crafty folk this weekend.  There has been some

hurdles with connecting to GPs - not taking new clients, don't bulk-bill - finally getting that

sorted.  This time last year, I was barely functional with panic disorder/agoraphobia, in the

last week of a 14 year long tenancy, and had booked two weeks to stay in a motel...

There have been so many layers of transformation to the quality of my whole-of-life that I

feel like I am having an identity crisis (of all the bloody things), ha!!  Looking forward to 

starting with a clinical psych, in the near future, for that extra level of support and guidance.

As happy as a chook in a worm farm.

[Appleblossom]

Great to hear from you so soon after last post! @Jo-anneJoy 

Yep it is hard but worth getting gp sorted.  Glad you are settling and survived the horror covid crisis.

Identity crisis in new place could be that things are so different you are finding new parts of you.  SOme people also get worried when things are going well as it can be so unusual for them.

Is that chook happier than a pig in mud!?!? lol

Enjoy artyfarty folk!

Cheers Apple

[Jo-anneJoy]

---

@Appleblossom wrote:

Great to hear from you so soon after last post! @Jo-anneJoy 

Identity crisis in new place could be that things are so different you are finding new parts of you.  SOme people also get worried when things are going well as it can be so unusual for them.

Cheers Apple

---

This is true @Appleblossom with finding new parts of me : one of them is Sponge-Bessie Cranky Pants, a maiden aunt 4X-removed of the Kraken.

[Appleblossom]

@Jo-anneJoy 

Oooh yes but we have survived long enough to own the right to tell it as it is ...

Lacing it with a little humour helps me forgive self, and now I have been thanked genuinely ... even by police for entertaining them .... on my last spree .... 

Mostly I prefer quiet and diplomatic ... but ... there is the wild witch of the west ... in store ....