Lived Experience Forum

[Angel80]

This is a really hard time of year for me. It's coming up to the 2ND anniversary of the car accident that almost took my daughters life. I fell asleep at the wheel and she was hurt really badly, I almost lost her. Since then I have devoted my life to helping her, making her happy and supporting her in every way that I can. I feel like I owe her. That nothing I do can ever make up for my stupidity. I get flashbacks, like movies in my head every day. I relive watching her dying right in front of me and not being able to do anything. Every part of that day haunts me, but it is so much worse at this time of year. The difference this year is that I can't seem to keep it buried inside. I don't deserve to think about how I feel, it's my daughter that matters. I'm so selfish but I don't know what is happening to me. I'm a mess. I don't know what to do.

[lola]

Hi Angel80,

Lola here, one of the moderators.

I am so sorry to hear about the hard time you are having at the anneversary of the accident. Do you have someone you can talk to? Or specific counselling in relation to this?

I think you do deserve to the think about your feelings and get support. And no it is not selfish of you but it is  nurturing for you to have support. Yes your daughter matters, but you will be in a better position/ frame of mind to be there for her if you take care of yourself.

regards

lola

[pip]

Hi @Angel80. Your description sounds like a form of PTSD, however without seeing a Dr for a diagnosis, that's just a guess. You are not selfish, you are if fact grieving as a result of the accident, falling asleep at the wheel, possibly due to fatigue, sleep apnea, 100 different possibilities. Have you consulted a Dr for treatment or asked for a referral to a counselor or therapist to help you work through your guilt and self anger? when you experience your 'flashbacks' or 'horror movie' scenarios you mention, have you tried deep breathing as a form of relaxation? When you try the deep breathing exercises, count each breath in and out, slowly for about 60 seconds. Listen to the sounds around you, if you 'see' the accident, remember, it's a memory, the memory can't hurt you physically. It's rather like visualizing a noisy car going past, once it's past, the noise goes with it. Concentrate instead on where you are now, close your eyes, visualize a pleasant relaxing scene.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Angel80

Sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to keep helping your daughter after a terrible accident. How does she feel about you? is she angry?

I hear how much you are feeling guilty about everything but i wonder if its actually helping you or your daughter at all to keep punishing yourself. I know its easier said than done. i can't 'just let go' of things that i feel about myself either, but keep trying to remind myself of all the self care/compassion stuff that helps me to be a good mum. I sometimes feel like people just dont get it when they say stuff like this to me... that they just don't understand the gravity of 'my' situation or something.. but at same time i know its true.

Flash backs are really hard. i struggle with these every day. I do grounding activities like looking and listening for things in the room, pushing my feet into the floor, remembering facts about myself (silly things like my bday/address/etc which is sometimes hard to do when i've gone off/into a memory). i've been doing deep breathing every hour (just several deep breaths, noticing how i'm feeling/noticing my body stuff). 

are you seeing anyone to help with this? i've learnt a lot from my psychologist and hopefully will learn more/enough to be ok.

take care of you, so that you can keep taking care of your daughter.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Angel80 - I feel it's a perfectly normal reaction how you are feeling at the moment. I feel talking to a qualified psychological to work through your pain would be very helpful for you. 

I have many past regrets in life - things I wish I could have done differently and take back. But the reality is we can only learn by our mistakes and do our best in the present to make things right. Which by the way you sound like you are doing a great job with!

 You are not a selfish person - selfish people don't care. You are going beyond the call of duty because you love your daughter and you are doing all you can for her. No one can do more than that. Go easy on yourself now and take care of you too. Talk to someone when you feel the need as it's healthy. Wishing you and your daughter healing.

[utopia]

@Angel80. You are not being selfish. You are at crisis point. It sounds like you may have PTSD. You do not need to be in a war to suffer PTSD. I had it from a workplace incident. It's caused by trauma. And you have suffered a great trauma.
Just because your daughter suffered does not mean that you didn't suffer as well. You are still suffering.
The earlier PTSD is treated - the more likely you are to have a full recovery.
Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychologist who specialises is treating PTSD . I'd recommend one who uses EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprogramming. Weird name. But it worked so well for me.
You have been struggling so hard for the past 2 years. The best gift you could give your daughter (& yourself) - is for you to heal your mental health. That way you will be stronger and in a better position to help her.
But please - you can't look after someone else - when you are drowning in your own pain.

[Matt12]

posting your comments and writing to us is the best thing you can do and dont stop doing it, without expressing whats in your head in a safe place leaves you exsposeed keep posting..ps I am dislictic and did not speel check as in safe place ..

Content/trigger warning