Lived Experience Forum

[Ray_D]

I was trying to help someone 16 years ago and he committed suicide. He had bipolar disorder.  I found him and did CPR but he didn't make it.  I felt so bad, I couldn't sleep, I kept reliving finding him and failing when I tried to revive him.  His family appreciated that I tried, but it didn't make me feel better.  I didn't realise it at the time but it was the first time I got really unwell.  I got help and was diagnosed with depression with some features of PTSD.  I struggled and didn't respond to treatments for 2 years and then suddenly I had a manic episode.  It was really frightening to be told that I also had bipolar disorder (some might say ironic but it felt more frightening than ironic).  I still get shivers when I think about what happened 16 years ago and the memory is painful.  I don't know if anyone on the forum has had an experience like this and had it affect them so much.  I think deep down that my bipolar disorder probably would have happened anyway.  I guess it was my trigger.

[getbetter]

Hello ray_D I have not had to do cpr on a person who has commited suicide but I have had to do it on my dad and it was not successful and as you say that is very hard to come to terms with and you feel you have failed, in all the first aid courses they teach you to do cpr and you think, if I do cpr they will be all right, but as I learned after, cpr is rarely successful, but its all we can do and must do, you did the right thing its just that the odds are very slim once a heart has stopped, we are not taught that in first aid.

[Ray_D]

Thanks @getbetter for sharing what happened with your Dad. I'm sorry for your loss.  I have had a long time to come to terms with what happened.  It helps to be reminded that CPR is rarely successful.  I don't need to see myself as a failure anymore.  My depression made me feel like that back then more than anything else.

[Lunar]

Hello @Ray_D,

Thank you for sharing and also thank you to @getbetter for also sharing, that was such a kind and thoughtful thing to write and I am sorry for the loss of your father ❤️

@Ray_D I am really sorry to hear about the loss of the your friend, that must have been such a terribly painful time for you, I am glad you have been able to work through that and now at the stage where you have the insight to realise that it possibly triggered your bipolar.

How are you finding yourself coping at the moment?

Lunar

[Ray_D]

Hi @Lunar,

I'm coping OK.  My psychiatrist saw me yesterday and said that he thought I was finally no longer depressed for the first time in 3 years.  I still feel isolated sometimes.  The responses from you and others on this forum have been helping with that.

Many thanks for asking,

@Ray_D

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Ray_D

I imagine that it would be tough talking about what happened with other people. There's still stigma around mental illness and suicide, which can lead to isolation. Is this something that you can relate to? 

It is true that distressing event can trigger an episode. How you feeling about your diagnosis? 

CherryBomb

[Ray_D]

HI @CherryBomb

I can definitely relate to feeling that stigma means I can't talk about my experiences.  This is related to my own reluctance to disclose that I have a mental illness.  The fact that someone's suicide was a trigger is hard to talk about even though I think I have come to terms with what happened.  I have ended up feeling alone, holding secrets that I shouldn't feel ashamed of.

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was completely shocked and basically said, "No" when my psychiatrist told me I had the disorder.  I was just feeling so good at the time (manic or hypomanic).  I can now look back on that and say, "I should have known", but it's hard sometimes when you are in a mood to read yourself accurately.  It's still a tricky thing, but I've gotten better at it.  I've read a lot about bipolar disorder and I know my experience fits the diagnosis.  It's just the up-moods got fewer over the years and the down-moods become more of a problem.

Thanks for reaching out and asking me about all of this.  It's good to reflect on things and to connect.

Ray_D

[CherryBomb]

@Ray_D,

I'm no expert, but it sounds like that there were several stressors that were a trigger. It is often a combination of biology and environment (stressors) that can lead to an episode. 

I lost someone very close to me who took their life. I was at uni when it happened and needed to take time off, when I returned it was so isolating because I couldn't talk about what was going on. This, as well grief, and all the other complex emotions that come along with suicide all added up to impact on my well-being. It was rough. Luckily I had a couple of close friends who helped. Do you have good supports?

[Ray_D]

@CherryBomb

I think you're right that a combination of stressors and biology can lead to an episode.  I know that losing sleep and working overtime or stress at work can contribute.  When I lost that person years ago, I buried myself in my work and slept less.  I got depressed.  I didn't know to get professional help until months later.  I had a supportive partner at the time but I think I shut her out.  My parents had never been able to provide emotional support and I hid what I was going through from them.  I didn't have any close friends who I could confide in.

It's now 16 years later and things have changed, not all for the better, when it comes to my supports.  I have a great psychiatrist who has known me for all these years.  I still get support from the person who was my partner, but our relationship has become difficult, and she has become committed to someone else.  My parents are now disabled in older age.  Both have forms of dementia and have lost the ability to make meaningful communication.  I don't get out much and have lost contact with friends.  Work is so consuming.  I wish I could talk to people at work about what I am going through but I'm afraid of what that would do for my working relationships.

I wish I could make friends online that I could confide in.