Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

am i the only person who listens and listens and listens. I listen to every word, sense how the person is feeling, take in some of that feeling. i have done this my whole life. I have memories as a child of this.

people do not listen to me though. they do not want to hear my story.

i can give my thoughts only to hear someone utter the same later and for that person to be acknowledged. I am dismissed.

am i invisible?

if i clicked my fingers and disappeared in a puff of smoke? would i even be missed?

i have had these experiences throughout my life over and over.

Why should I change though? Why should I start not listening and start talking about myself regardless of whether anyone wants to hear?

I give up.

[Shimmer]

Hi @Former-Member,

I can appreciate your feelings about constantly listening but not being listened to - a lack of reciprocity in emotional support can be so draining, disappointing, frustrating and probably a whole range of other emotions... what do you experience?

I hope you feel like people listen to your story here

[Former-Member]

hello @Shimmer

Thank you for responding.

I have isolated myself so well for so long. Yesterday was our first social outing that I have agreed to go to and just couldnt face people for a while. I have been so entrenched in my grief and self pity that I did not have the energy to brave it so to speak with others. Plus as I said I am the listener. I did not want to hear one more word of self pity from others over something so minimal in comparison to what people have spoken about on here.

No, I do not feel that I am treated in that way on here. That is why I have been able to express my feelings and felt safe.

If I am to be perfectly honest I have wondered on occasion whether I have replied in a way that would not further exasperate how someone was feeling. also i have wondered perhaps in my expressing so much that I have not diminished the feelings of others. Perhaps made some feel inadequate. Perhaps even made others not feel that they were listened to.

I am just back in a very bad place after yesterdays confirmation of not being heard or worthwhile.

Today in trying to further empathise and listen to my twin who cares for my elderly mum, i found myself losing it with her. she has always had a way of not listening, just advising, telling. So today I lost it and told her that I had had enough. I could not believe what she was saying and I wasnt prepared to listen any further. I hung up the telephone. NOw feel guilty about that. She didnt need that either.

So I give up, I thing I will practise being silent.

[esprit]

Dearest mohill, I feel it's actually about connecting emotionally with someone and that's hard for lots of people. Connecting is about empathy. Be proud that you can empathise forgive people who can't. I have trouble with the forgiveness part. I have a sister who does that too. I adore her but she is well aware she can be condescending. You just want to feel valued. Thinking of you. Xx

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. You are incredibly emotionally drained from being used as a mop and not being in a position to get rid of the excess emotions you have bottled up. Your twin sounds selfish in that she is 'venting' but she is not allowing you the same privilege. Unfortunately, families appear to be selfish when it comes to sharing the load. They will often advise someone else to 'be there' but will make excuses as to why they can't help out too. You need to care for you, the selfish feeling you have is because you haven't been heard. Don't be scared to be selfish with yourself. Emotional drainage is often worse than being one in a family of 'x' amount. If your twin gets in touch and tries again to 'unload' on you, I would be inclined to say, 'sorry, there's nothing I can do at this time'. Reclaim your life and take care of you. Let the guilt feeling go as your twin may try to reinforce it.

[Former-Member]

hello @pip @esprit @Shimmer

my twin and I are different, think differently but have the very strong twin bond and love one another dearly.

She is just bossy. She has had a lot to deal with losing her partner of 25 years to cancer, 6years ago when both reasonably young. She had cancer herself in her early 50's, operation, heavy chemo and all clear.

Since losing her partner she has had one operation after another and had so much sickness. I believe it is partly related to not expressing her grief. She chose to have mum live with her back then and now she is mum's carer. mum is being difficult and wont let me assist. Mum gives sister a hard time, gets passed along not intentionally though.

Mirror twins, she has physical illnesses I have mental illnesses. She means well.

Yesterday, I had just had enough. enough of everything.

so am going into my shell.

Have advocate visiting today to help me with work issues. Not looking forward to stuff all being dredged up again but has to be done for advocate to be able to assist.

hope all of you are travelling safely and hoping that my post does not bring anyone down.

thanks for listening xx

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. Twins, either identical or non do share an often invisible bond. However you are both still human beings and need support. Obviously you have different personalities. You feel so much compassion for her which is admirable. However, putting that aside, perhaps your mum feels slightly overwhelmed by both of you together, so keeping you apart means she, to her, doesn't get a 'double-dose'. Maybe if your sister can arrange for someone to give her some 'time out', you and she could reclaim your bond and share. We all need to recharge and this means someone else has to step in and take over. Does your mum have dementia/alzheimers. This would make things difficult as your mum would have to be comfortable with whoever helps out. Try to make some notes to help you with the advocate today. Explain how some things are hard to talk about as the memories are painful. Take care of you and remember, we're here for you, whenever.

[Former-Member]

hello @pip

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond.

You are correct in the fact that we have almost completely opposite personalities. All 3 of us including mum are very loyal to family. We are all so different though. Mum and sister want my help but not my input. Also only want my help when they ask.

Neither of them can express their feelings and do not understand or make any effort to understand mental illness. When I have been hospitalised they dont visit. The last two hospital stays I did not tell them. Sister rang eventually and told me off said she knew something was wrong as I had not phoned in a while. So my keeping up contact was eventually noticed as being absent. She went in to a detailed how I need to look after myself better even though she knows nothing about mental illness or wants to. So I told her that is exactly why I dont discuss it with you. I am drained from her why this, why that. Hence yesterday, they know my situation with my son and surely anyone going through that would have anxiety and low tolerance level. So I lost it because I feel that they just dismiss my mental illness yet when someone else presents with it come across as feeling very sorry for the person.

Mum is mentally very well for 90. she is in constant pain though and this would make her irritable. she doesnt go anywhere anymore so must be bored to bits. I just think that there are many carer feelings coming out and also person being cared for feelings showing. I have spoken to both of them at different times and now they just need to work it out themselves. Their personalities are at play.

I am angry. I probably need to stop here. I am just fed up of putting everyone else first because I am the empathic one.

[pip]

Hi @Former-Member. Your anger is completely justified, I would be angry and hurt too. Mental illness still carries a stigma and anyone who has no knowledge or understanding will frequently tell someone who has any sort of emotional problem to 'sort it out, quickly'. Perhaps now would be a good time to distance yourself from this strain and take care of you. May I inquire about your son, I gather there are some issues there as well. You have much on your plate and being selfish doesn't mean you are bad, it simply means your 'cup runneth over'. Empathy is great, so too is support and understanding. You are constantly giving, but seldom receiving. Your mum's problems are your sister's responsibility, your mum chose her as her primary carer. Perhaps a gentle reminder to your sister, much as I love you, you can't have it both ways. Calling me only when you need something is no longer acceptable. Tell her, you have wants and needs too. that's not being nasty, it's being honest and open.

[Shaz51]

Hello @pip, @Former-Member, @esprit, @Shimmer xx

Hello @Former-Member You have much on your plate my friend xx

I agree with what @pip has written