Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

hi,

i am just wondering if there is anyone who has multiple personality/identity disorder that could give me some advice

my doctor believes that i may have this and has given me a referall to a psychiartrist 

i have known that i have another personality since i was about 6 years old but all adults in my life were ignorant of the fact or thought it was something else so now at 24 i have finally sought medical help and found out that i actually have 3 alternate personalities 

for me when they come out i dont remember anything its like im asleep or something all im aware of is that ive lost time

is there anyone who has this or knows someone like this

[Lunar]

Hello @Former-Member,

That is good you are seeking some support from a mental health professional, did your GP link you in with a Psychologist too?

SANE is currently writing a factsheet and blog on Dissociative Identity Disorder so I'll make sure to post it when it is published 🙂

It sounds like you are describing Dissociating which is like daydreaming, I have found a factsheet here it might be interesting to read through:

http://www.islhd.health.nsw.gov.au/Carer_Program/Mental_Health/Illness_and_Disorder/DissociativeIdentityDisorder.pdf

Lunar

[-Rayne-]

Hi @Former-Member, I have DID and for me (Briar) when one of the others are out front, I almost always lose time. For most of my alters/people, they don't lose time when I'm out - they have an awareness of being in another kind of mental world which they share, but I rarely see that - I just get gaps. What you say makes perfect sense to me. It's great you found a professional who recognises what's going on. 

[Neb]

Hi there aj1, glad you have made it to the forums which I have found very grounding in the past. i was eventually diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder after trolling through every other pysch label.

I first approached my GP as a teenaged girl (you can imagine the eye rolling on his part!!) when I confided my very depressed state. He kindly referred me to a pyschiatrist but in the interim I took my first OD and jump started my career in Mental Health by going to hospital. Please bear in mind I am trotting towards 60 so this ( OMG!!!!) is almost 45 years ago!!!! I cant believe I am still here! I became more aware of things NOT being right as I progressed and entered a fugue state or a dissociative state which was possibly activated by the chemical combinations used by various pyschiatrists over time. Several years are very vague to me, but in the inbetween times I worked ...but in a part time manner when this became available in nursing.

After some profoundly disturbing behaviour on my part, I   was put in touch with my final pyschiatrist, who did not fill me with more pills but let me talk and he actually listened. I was also fortunate to live in a city where there was a dedicated DID unit at the time through the private hospital system.

It took a long time to establish a good theraputic relationship, where I had been introduced to a sound concept of boundaries, and so it began. As time progressed I became CONSCIOUS of the various aspects of the dissociation which had been a SURVIVAL technique by a very young girl to what was severe trauma. As this progressed, a newer reality was able to intergrate these aspects and fragments, as not all the fracturing translated into a full personality. My teddy bear had provided a solid point. I think it is VERY important not to read DID stories of the" 3 faces of Eve "stuff as it is a risk in incorporating on a subconscious level of those aspects, if you know what I mean.

I am sorry this is so long, but here I am today...a survivor despite it all, ad I now live in another country, as I was finally able to let go of my umbilical cord with my pyschiatrist. No one will say that at the end of the road is a paradise because it isnt. I am still prone to depression and anxiety ....sometimes but rarely I wish I was as I once was, but that is a skin I have grown out of. You have my profound sympathy, if this is your diagnosis and I wish you a safe and a successful journey back to a state of health that you can live with.

[Former-Member]

hi all thankyou for replying to my post

@Lunar

im not sure about the good yet as i hate medication and it is already being discussed what would be best for me to go on as it is i dont take my current ones for my anxiety properly cause i hate the side effects that meds have.
i am already linked with a psychologist and apparently now im gonna get linked to a psychiatrist as well pretty soon im gonna have no time to myself between them and my 2 specialists for other health reasons but at least i suppose im trying to get myself good more for my son than for myself because to be perfectly honest if i didnt have him or my partner id probably be in a hospital or dead right now
i would love to read the factsheet and blog thankyou.

@-Rayne-

its good to know that im not the only one who loses time when "others" are out. my partner and a close friend have actually managed to communicate with them so i have at least three "others" the only thing that i found surprising for a bit is that they are all children or "littles" as my GP put it. i have Kelly who is an autistic 4 yr (i was surprised when my GP said that it doesnt surprise him as i have and autistic brother) old then there is sarah who is 6/7 and last is casey who is 8/9 and was apparently the one that told my friend kelly is autistic and is the only one aware of there being others.
do you have mulitipple "others" or just 1?

@Neb

thankyou for sharing with me. i have been aware of my blanks or time losses since i was six and found out about kelly from a friend who was in my foster home who helped me though her episodes but all adults in my life never really acknowledged something wrong putting it down to day dreaming as kelly doesnt talk
i eventually confided in my partner about kelly and my time lapses as i had been going through a really stressful time after having our son and i was worried about losing time when left alone with him as i became aware of losing hours so my partner worked it out so someone was always with me it has taken him 4 year to finally convince me to get medical help with it though i still have some reluctance about it because of meds.
anyway my GP believes that each personality is actually linked to a siginficant truma as a child as at the ages of three and 4 i was sexually abused kelly is 4 iwas put in fostercare at 5 and and abused both physically and sexually in multiple homes then put in to my mums care at 7 where i was sexually abused by her boyfriend/drugdealer for 6 months and then my mum od and i rang an ambulance who arrived just in time to see him kick me across the room for not calling him first so cops and cs were called and me and my sibling were back in fostercare and split up again sarah is 6/7 then when i was 8 almost nine me and my friend mentioned above were walking home from school and decided to go through the park and we were jumped by 3 guys and raped a week later she ended her life then 2 weeks later i attempted to end my life but failed and was put in hospital for 3 weeks casey is 8/9 i do hope to get to a point where i dont feel afraid to be left alone incase one comes out but right now it seem a long way away.

[Neb]

Aj1.   Think old fat lady holding out arms to give you a hug if you want.Recovery options include keeping your " family" I recall, but providing a new reality, is this right or is it dated? Losing time was a feature, I found myself in all sorts of places which is rather scary eh! The worse thing for me was in stressful work scenarios....in the boss 's office, I could see me fuge out. I hated that loss of control, but DID is ALL about loss of control, being subject to another whim. 

Dont be afraid of the chemicals.....it took me a long time to accept the fact to understand my life of so called normality required this, I have been taking an anti depressant forever. The GP will try periodically to prescribe a modern one, but every other thing gave me tardiness dysconesia......a dreadful. side effect.

[-Rayne-]

@Former-Member I love the sound of your GP. How excellent that you found him/her. I was a little like @Neb - there were many other diagnoses before DID - but we also have a person/alter who periodically forgets that she's been diagnosed with DID and presents to new professionals for help with what she sees as her symptoms, and makes everything start over - so that's part of the reason for that.

There are 13 of us that we know of, including one who is locked away for safety reasons and two who manage things internally but never come to the front, unless specifically asked for (e.g. in therapy). Those two are ageless but I think of them as mostly adult. Of the other 11, 8 are children so it's not surprising to me that you're hearing of kids. Most of what I know about mine comes from other people - friends and doctors/therapists - or from journalling. Journalling is the main way that I communicate with them because I only hear them spasmodically (although more than I used to). I write things and they answer. 

The autism thing is interesting to me. We're not diagnosed with that but both of my/our kids have Aspergers and I recognise traits in myself and some of my alters (I call them my crew). 

[Former-Member]

My heart goes out to you with your stories - the insecurity of it all. I've known I'm fragmented for a long time but outwardly in denial fearful I'll go mad if I start consciously merging. I am usually labelled BPD/cPTSD, professionals are reluctant to use the DID label, think there's still a lot and of controversy about it but recently my GP writes of 'losing time' or finding myself in places I don't recognise or remember how I got there (actually pretty scary) she writes it off as cPTSD 'dissociative. First breakdown 1980's the psych team said BPD, dissociation, anxiety, depression of cause). Therapists have changed minds, guess I'm not as bad as most. I've been told i' m "fragmented" More recently, after learning about mindfulness s (getting in touch with my feelings and self compassion) I am aware of two others, one frightens me and takes over so I was brave enough to tell the therapist (always frightened they'll label me psychotic) who, much to my surprise helped me understand alters come about for our protection even though they are clumbsy going about it at times. This helped a lot.
Its the STRESS that causes me to switch, triggers me, brings them out so I have to work hard at keeping on an even keel. Its so hard cleaning up the calateral damage afterward - nobody understands. When my 4yo surfaces I take time to rock her to sleep.
Gotta go. Thanks for this discussion. Xox

[Neb]

I can relate to the post of Tawney, about stress being a major trigger....and tiredness! now I am a real dumbass, I worked as a registered nurse and for a bunch of reasons which make less and less sense as my life goes on worked in an intensive care/cardiac care area which is staffed by complete OCD types . I was good at my job, but only because i was able to be part time. One of the alters was a super nurse type, in a sense the business etc of the shift completely shunted to one side any "in the head crud".

For me the merging or submerging or whatever it is called now of the safety net of helpers did not happen quickly and i do recall my therapist asking what I wanted ...a realness without them or a setup where they were in the background. Honestly, I cant recall now. I do have blazing headaches just about daily, which maybe in part of my history, but where I live now "depression" causes people to run away thinking it is a contagious disease. To see the mental health people, I would have to run about with a very sharp something and frighten people....something I cannot imagine in my wildest dreams.

I hated the fugue states....the loss of time, finding yourself 2000kms away from home sort of thing.

[-Rayne-]

yeah, memory gaps and having things happen that you don't want or wouldn't do, but then having to deal with the consequences... plus just finding out that what you thought your life was like was actually a total lie