Lived Experience Forum

[MDT]

Hi forumites. Something has been bugging me the past 2 days. I need some advice. It's very personal and so I have place a trigger spoiler. I mention things to do with childhood vulnerability and things of a sexual nature. Please note that this stuff is very very personal and I may well decided to delete it after a week or so depending how it goes. I haven't tagged anyone either because I think I prefer to just say this. So here goes....

Content/trigger warning

The other night i met up with a girl i was speaking with throughout lockdown. I decided to delete all dating apps during lockdown because there was no point to speaking to anyone. I started to talk with her during lockdown and she told me she had mental health issues and that i could relate. 

Fast forward to last week and we met in person and did part of a longer walk and it was good. Quick but good. 

THen this week she invited me to her student house to cook some food from her home country. I was kind of hoping things would progress from there if you catch my drift. 

Well there were some moments where I felt it could've but i shied away from it. The reason for this I could not tell at the time. But on the way home it dawned on me that the reason was because of the vulnerable situation I had been in when I was younger. When I used to speak to a religious figure at my church. We would speak about things which "were below the belt" so to speak - to do with "Certain things that happen" at that stage in a boy's life. 

i've never really spent much time thinking about it and thinking about why it occured. But it was always off my own bat when i did speak to him. 

When I was there on Tuesday at this girl's place I was very torn. I wanted something to happen and I was expecting it to and maybe there were signs there too - but I'd never been in that situation before and didn't know how to read it. I was very worried that i was misreading it. 

Again because I'd never been in that situation before. 

The reason so much of this is a mystery is because i feel that it's something i should've figured out by now at the age of 28 and it hurts knowing that i could've had my 20s experience be quite different to that of the one i have had - so i have an almost grief/loss response - it's something i don't know. 

I had to call Lifeline about this topic yesterday and I constructed a narrative around it that was basically helpful. 

It was hard for me to articulate it in the past but I guess I have now. 

Going through that experience at that stage in my life with this religious elder was what I wanted in that time of my life because i was concerned and worried about things of that sexual nature. Intimicacy was a no go zone unless you were married. Dating was a no go unless you intended on getting married. I was threatened with hellfire and sin. It was a big no go zone.

Nothing about any of this was normal. And now I'm in a world where I want to find out about that part of myself and I have NO idea how to. I felt like my experiences 10 years ago within the religious community negatively skewed my views on both this topic, but also myself. 

I spoke about this only all too briefly last Tuesday with this girl. She spoke at length about her relationship history. I appreciate that because it lies within the same realm of intimacy. It was very on again and off again for her. 

My only conclusion is that I want to do 2 things. I need to speak about this with my psych. I also want to be honest with this girl and actually say that I wanted to go further. Just to see what she says. I need to know. 

Anyway. I'll leave it there. This is very painful for me to explore. 

[ArtistZ]

Hey @MDT 

I'm really sorry that happened to you. I think that your plan to speak to your psychologist is a good idea. I admire your honesty expressing this. 
Big support shout out to you my friend and I'm thinking of you.

I'm sorry my reply isn't very eloquent - I've had experiences in my life that I needed some help with too in this area. I found some excellent help through Victims Services NSW. I hope that speaking to your psychologist helps but also there are additional options if needed.

Take care and tag me if I can help anytime okay x x 

[MDT]

Thanks for your support and continued help @ArtistZ
It feels good to articulate what's going on in my head I must say

[ArtistZ]

@MDT 

That's really good that it helps. 
Good place to get it all out - whether here or on paper. 

[chibam]

Hi @MDT .

I can relate to this to some extent. As I've mentioned from time-to-time around these boards, my therapist really got into my head with her really distorted take on women & marriage, and has messed up my perceptions a fair bit. I was a bit older then you when I got my distorted councilling on dating/intimacy, but it sounds like the damage has been comparable in scale.

What really makes it all a mess, IMHO, is that there is no consistancy within the community, and more specifically, in our pool of potential matches. You want to connect with your preferred partner; you want to know that she/he has agreeable standards with regards to relationships. So you go seeking advice about the topic; but whatever advice you get can't possibly describe the playfield accurately. Because all the men & women out there in the singles game are all playing by their own set of rules.

An advisor can rattle off a code of morals & tactics for you with regards to the game of love, and the pitfall is that those rules probably will apply to a certain segment of the potential-partner pool, but not to others. So you are left in this position where there is no right or wrong, and everything is both right and wrong; where there are monsters lurking around everywhere, and heroes lurking around everywhere - and their all wearing the same masks so you can't tell who's who.

To use my case as an example, my therapist loved tarring women as gold-diggers looking to sink their claws into a sugar-daddy. Needless to say, that's a devestating world view to have forced upon you when your a heterosexual male aching for a truly loving, kindred -spirit wife.

And in trying to erase that world view from my mind, I'm constantly set back by the fact that my therapist's advice is not entirely fictional. Gold-diggers truly do exist! There's ample evidance to demonstrate that. And all too often, I will get a reminder of that, that sends me hurling back to being trapped in the nightmare world devoid of love that my therapist tried to make me believe in.

I imagine that you probably struggle with a similar dillemma. Not everyone will share the perceptions of your religious leader; but some will - perhaps including some of the elligible women you encounter during your life.

IMHO, it's hell living in a world with no standard rulebook. Then again, it's probably no better living in one that does have a standard rulebook - which doesn't happen to contain our own rules.

[MDT]

Two things strike me from what you shared there @chibam

Thanks for sharing

First - that the narrative we have of ourselves and our experiences (whatever they may be) is paramount to our understanding of ourselves. Only by working through some of the bad experiences can we truly begin to understand what we are and what we are looking for. I must say that since writing this out last night, this original post I mean, I have found it easier to understand the motivations, attitudes and core beliefs I have of myself and my values in this realm of dating and relationships. More things make sense. There is more clarity. I can see why I think in some ways and not others. It's a bit like when you enter a dark room and you flick the light on and for a few seconds you register how big the room is and what's inside it. Its like I've gone down several floors into the basement of the building that is my life and have found the engine room or the basement with all the internal servers and computer networks at the bottom. To just unplug it all is to be catastrophic. What I need to do is understand it. Only then am I able to truly rewire it.

2 - that maybe it's okay to feel not okay in this realm of dating and relationships. Maybe it's okay to not know what to expect and feel because of the experiences I had when I was in my formative years.

Thank you for sharing your story too @chibam

I do hope you're okay

[chibam]

@MDT 

I'm afraid I can't offer any insight re: self-discovery/self-understading. I've heard people talk about stuff like that before, and it's always seemed very foreign to me. I've always understood myself very well; it's the world around me that I can't comprehend. So I just can't relate at all to the idea of 'going on a self-discovery journey'.

But, in any event, if you've gotten to a place where your "okay" (or "okay not feeling okay") with things as they stand, then I'm happy for you.

[MDT]

I think I might find myself coming back to this thread you know

as a place to understand myself more

[MDT]

@pancakes here my friend

Where I have to realise something about my history

I guess this is kind of like an archive.

The internal server room where I need to rewire things

[pancakes]

Hey mate, I'm really glad you're opening up about this and I know it can't be easy. So, well done on making the post.

It's hard Hams, I'm not the best person to offer advice or perspective when it comes to intimacy. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. When you're young and have such strong and ugly views being rammed down your throat... it has a long lasting and damaging affect doesn't it? But, I am hopeful that becAuse you have such good self awareness and insight into things that you can and will progress further with this and one day conquer those intimacy issues the religious teachings have left you with. I really feel for you my friend.

Id like to encourage you to look at this from a different angle. You were with this girl, have been on dates, and seem to have a close enough connection for her to feel comfortable talking about her personal things with you. Those are all very positive points. And I think maybe you're fixating on the needing to make-a-move side of things rather than taking in the whole picture. Maybe the opportunity to take it further was there, but that doesn't mean it won't be there again on the next date. And, even if the opportunity is blatantly there naked and staring you in the face, it doesn't mean you have to throw yourself into it. You want to be ready emotionally and mentally. Speaking as someone who has had many nervous break downs before/during/after sex. I don't know Hams, as I said I find it hard to give advice with this kind of thing.

But you know I'm thinking on it, and you know what? Intimacy is not easy for anyone really. Trying to connect with someone is hard. Dating someone is stressful--especially in the beginning! None of it is easy even if you remove the religious component of it all, it's still a minefield.

Im sorry if none of that is very helpful @MDT but I will think on it. I hope you get something out of your next psych session and can move forward with this girl, if that's what you decide you want.