Lived Experience Forum

[Eve7]

I am sorry your GP didn’t help @Bow  and I really feel for you. That’s not right. Please stay safe, sitting with you and sending a mama bear 🐻 hug 🤗 to comfort you.

💙💙💙

[Judi9877]

Hi @Bow . Just popping in to see if you are okay. I'm thinking of you right now and hope you get through things. I'm sorry things didn't work out for you at your gp's. Please reach out to the relevant help and support lines as they are there to help.

Take care and stay safe forumite friend.

Judi9877💐🍀

[Bow]

I can already feel my anxiety rising this morning and the unpleasant feeling that sits on my chest. I’ve woken to another day in which I don’t want to be here. I don’t know how I face today. I can’t keep doing this. I feel useless, so fake. I live each day with this raging battle deep inside me that only 1 person knows about and I have to mask up and pretend that everything else is fine and dandy around everyone else.

im suppose to go out this morning, a ladies morning tea. I can’t go. I can’t face everyone like this. But my family is expecting me to go, they knows it’s on, i don’t know what to do? Pretend I have woken with a migraine? Leave the house and sit in my car for 5 hrs? Useless waste of space 

and there is church tomorrow. I’m yet to attend a service since we have returned to in person services. I serve, I have responsibilities , I can’t hid forever, but I can’t go. I can’t see people. I can’t go and pretend that everything is ok when it’s not. 

Again I didn’t sleep much last night. I watched the clock for hours, wishing it would stop, frustrated that I couldnt drift off. 

I feel so selfish. Last night I had to run and help catch my dad as he passed out on our drive way. His terminally ill. I felt for him, he didn’t choose this path. If he could choose he would live forever, he loves life, but this is the hand that he has been dealt. And here I am just wanting to die. I’d trade with him. Then maybe suicide would be easier to actually do, people would understand why I want to die and I had a valid reason. See I’m horrible. 

[Maggie]

@Bow  You are not horrible, you are hurting. They are miles and miles apart.

I don’t know if it’s possible for you to stay home today, going out sounds daunting . The sad thing about mental illness, is there is no visible evidence, no bandages, plaster, wheelchair, just debilitating, agonising pain.

I don’t know if there is someone at church who understands, who could sit with you and care.

I understand wanting to trade places with people, wanting the pain over and done with.

I hope your dad is ok.

@Bow  I don’t think I’ve said one helpful thing to you this morning, but I’m sitting with you. Leaving a coffee. I’m listening to the bird song at the moment. Sending 💙💙💙

[Bow]

Thanks @Maggie  

i ended up going out. Not where I was suppose to be. I just drove. Ended up in our botanical gardens where I sat for 5 hrs. I just sat. I cried. I walked. Contemplated a lot. Called lifeline. It’s been a difficult day, i can’t even find words. 

I did not want to come home. I hate being at home. I feel such a heaviness being here. I nearly did not make it back. I had to stop and pull over so many times. Dam it I feel so stupid and useless. 

I’m sorry I’m such a downer here. I should stay away. 

[Maggie]

@Bow  Please don’t stay away because you feel down, that’s exactly why we are all here. Sometimes, all we have to offer each other is our understanding and empathy.

You had a hard day to get through, you did it. I know nothing has changed, I know facing tomorrow’s are hard. But we can help each other, just by walking together, that’s all we have to genuinely offer.

Walking with you @Bow  💙💙💙

[Bow]

Don’t be fooled by me, 

Don’t be fooled by this mask I wear. 

I wear many, many masks, but none of them really capture the real me, the real me that’s inside. I wear the mask because I am afraid, afraid to take them off, fearing that you may get to know the real me, the me that’s inside. 

Pretending is an art to me, it comes second nature. I am pretending that I am in charge, that I am captain and king. I pretend that I am cool and that my surface is smooth, nothing can touch me, nothing can shake me, I am unshakable. I like to think that I am in control, but please don’t for a moment be fooled, don’t be fooled by this, it’s only a mask. 

Beneath this mask hides the real me. Beneath this mask there is no smugness, no complacent. Beneath this pretend mask dwells the real me, lonely, and in fear. But you don’t know this. I won’t tell you this is all a mask. 

I am frightened by all the possibilities of my flaws and weaknesses, scared that they may creep out between the cracks of my mask, scared that they will be exposed to this world. I think about it all the time, Will I look like a huge fool? Will I be laughed at? Will their laughter hurt? That is why I work so anxiously to built this mask that I hide behind. I bring it out when in relationships with people, to hide the real me. 

It helps me, protects me, and shields me from the hideous glances from the ones that know me. 

But such a simple glance, is precisely my only salvation. It’s my only salvation if somehow the glance is followed by kindness, love and an accepting act. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself-from my own self-built person, from the barriers, the walls that I have so painstakingly built around me- it’s all to protect me. It’s the only glance that can assure me of what I can not assure myself. And that is to assure me that I really am someone or something. 

But I don’t dare tell you this, I don’t dare, I am to scared too, to scared that your little glance will not be followed by that kind, loving and accepting act. I’m afraid that you will de-grade me, look down upon me and that you will laugh and your laugh will k*ll me. I am scared that deep down I am nothing, that I am no good and worthless. And soon, before long, I am scared you will find out and no longer love me and that I will once again be rejected. 

So I play my game, continue with my desperation with the façade of assurance from within and that of the petrified little child from within my soul.. And life becomes a front.. And I idly chat to you about anything that really doesn’t matter or mean anything. 

And yet I can never tell you about the crying inside me, behind this mask. Can never tell of my greatest hurts, my deepest fears, my great concerns, my triumphs and joys. I can’t tell you any of this, because I am afraid. So please listen carefully, not to what I am saying, but to what I am not saying. 

I dislike this hiding…honestly. I hate this phony, superficial game I am playing. I would really like to be genuine, to allow the real me to show, to be spontaneous, and to be just me! 

But you got to help me, you’ve got to hold out your hand. Even hold it out when it is quiet clear that it is the last thing that I want from you. Hold it out when I seem to just push it away, when I reject your kindness and refuse your assistance. But please do this, because I am going to share something with you, you alone, and something about myself. 

Don’t be fooled by this mask, don’t be fooled by my pretending and certainly don’t be fooled by this anger, with this hatred and plan right rebellion. Don’t be fooled by it for one minute. Its not as it seems, its not anger, it is hurt. 

My mask of anger, it’s easier to bring out and put on than my mask of hurt. It’s easier to pretend this way. 

If you have the power to wipe away this blank, dead stare from this mask, from what lies beneath…Good luck! Long felt hurts make these masks endure. The longer I sit and nurse these hurts, the thicker my mask gets and the harder it becomes to remove. 

But do watch it, because many times when you go to approach me, I may fight back, I may strike back at you. Even if you reach out to me, to accept me, to love me and give me what I have so been longing to find, I may not know the difference, so please be patient. 

I am longing to find my identify, that is what I am looking for, for who I really am, for what lies beneath this thick and heavy mask. Please don’t be fooled by the mask I wear. I AM someone you know, I may even be someone you know very well. 

@BPDSurvivor

[Maggie]

@Bow  To say I was touched by what you have written, would be an understatement.

Its powerful, it’s vulnerable, it’s honest, it’s beautiful.

All I can say is, a heartfelt Thankyou. 💕💕💕💕💕

[Emelia8]

Wow @Bow ... just wow. 😔💝

Few words, but lots of feelings about this powerful, hauntingly beautiful  piece of writing. So much hurt, so much personal insight, so much suffering and so much deep longing for understanding and acceptance. Love and hugs to you. 🌹

Emelia 🌷

[BPDSurvivor]

I totally identify with you @Bow.

People hide behind masks for fear of being 'found out'.

The real superheros in life are the ones that have learnt not to hide behind their super hero capes.

As i've said before, it takes more guts to be Clark Kent than Superman.

I used to hide, but I no longer care what others say. I stay away from social media because I don't need to pressures of conforming to society. I've done it for long enough and it didn't do me any good.

Thank you for your honest post.

BPDSurvivor