Lived Experience Forum

[Reverie]

I'm not going so well. I think I might be fired from my job soon. Worst of all, it's basically my dream role to get my foot in the door. Now I've ruined it and burned bridges. 

I have bipolar, ADHD and literally last week was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just stay in bed all day, scrolling or watching YouTube. Like, so much escapism it's like I barely exist. I've ignored all of my responsibilities and obligations for the last month. My emails are in the hundreds, I have important events coming up I'm sure, and I've just been basically MIA to everything. 

I don't understand how I'm ever supposed to be better. How am I supposed to operate in a world that requires a level of ... life competence... that I might not even be able to reach, as hard as I try. This isn't my usual way of thinking. I'm not usually so defeatist. But lately, I just feel so misunderstood. Like work is the most important thing to the whole world, and if you can't fulfil your work obligations, you don't deserve a good life. ADHD is super misunderstood. I tried an ADHD coach and it worked well, but so expensive so I have to save up again. It's hard to find a psychologist who fully gets it, and the wait lists are enormous at the moment and I'm too broke to do a psych and an ADHD coach - but I think the ADHD coach will be better. 

It's like, I can only ever afford to get one thing treated at a time. It's not fair. I deserve access to care so I can be my best self, so I can get support. I'm so angry. At myself, at the health system, at other people. 

I wish I wasn't this way. And it's scary to know that as much as I will go through ups and downs of managing, those ups and downs will never end. Because all three of these things are life long disorders. This is my life. And I'm scared I'm going to waste it and that I'll never really reach the person I could be. I know everyone has struggles they have to deal with, and my life wouldn't be perfect if I didn't have these things, and that challenges are how people grow, learn and also find empathy... but I can't help think of how much I could achieve if my brain and body weren't so uncooperative. It's hard being an ambitious person with motivation stripped away by disorders. I feel like there is someone else controlling my mind and body, and I have no control. But I have the consequences. 

I feel like I try. I've always been optimistic. I've always said things can get better. Believed in myself. But something about this extreme lack of motivation or ability to even shower or go to work (working from home), I don't know how to fight this. Emotional stuff seems easier. I've done it before, I know what works. But doing feels so much harder than thinking. 

And it's all turning into self-hate. Which I do not want at all. Ugh. 

[Sphinxly]

Hi @Reverie, welcome to the SANE forums. I’m one of the moderators.

Thank you for joining us. I’m sorry to hear how tough your situation is. That feeling of being disconnected from life is truly hard. It’s also unfair that we miss out on support and care, or reaching our full potential because of finances or complex mental health issues. I can see why you would be feeling stuck and kind of hopeless about that future. My psychologist once said to me it's ok if you don't feel hopeful about the future but perhaps you can just be curious about what is to come. 

I hope sharing here and getting this off your chest is helpful.

If you ever want to speak to a counsellor or to connect you are welcome to ring our helpline on 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri,10am-10pm) or chat via sane.org.

Hope to see you around,

Sphinxly

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Reverie

What would you do if you did not have technology as a distraction?

[Reverie]

Hi @Sphinxly, I really love that idea of tapping into curiosity. That really resonates with me. Thank you. And thanks for the reminder about the phone and chat counselling. 

[Reverie]

Hi @AussieRecharger, that's actually a really good question. Sometimes I escape by reading which might be better than doomscrolling, but in the end is still escapism. 

I'd probably get bored and procrastinate in other ways. More fulfilling ways though. I actually bought a Nokia phone a few months ago, but so many people communicate via messenger. Maybe I should just tell the most important people that they have to text me. Maybe give my phone to someone to keep for like, a few days or a week. 

hmmm. Scary. But maybe necessary. 

Thank you for the question. It's actually been really helpful. 

[NatureLover]

Hi @Reverie , sorry to hear about your troubles 😞

Just checking that you know that you can get heavily subsidised psychology sessions with a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP? You're entitled to 10 (20 during Covid) sessions with a psychologist per year. You're right about the long waitlists though, unfortunately. 

Wishing you all the best. 

[Tinker67]

Hello @Reverie 

It's great to see you have joined the forum.  I'm a carer, I care for my 17yo son who lives with complex mental ill health, a 15 yo son who is still recovering from a chronic fatigue like illness he got from his allergy desensitization treatment 10 months ago, and my husband who is still recovering from a brain hemmorhage 2 years ago.  I have also had my own lived experience of depression since 15yo that is mostly managed these days. 

I really feel for you.  It sounds like things were going to plan, then the wheels kind of fell of, which as you say, it can happen.  And let's face it, when you've got several quite complex things going on at once and a new diagnosis, it can really knock the wind out of your sails.

You mentioned that the ADHD coach was a really useful support.  I'm wondering what you can remember that worked?  Are there things you could try again that have worked in the past?  

Even though you recognise that you're using escapism at the moment, I notice that you have shown up here, it seems like you want help and you want things to be better?  That shows a lot of insight and you've taken actions to try to return to being in a better place.  Sometimes feeling hopeful or positive isn't enough, we have to take a little step towards change.  And it sounds like you want to do that?  The idea of just using your Nokia phone is one really good idea.  What would you like to spend more time doing?  And how can you incorporate that into your day?  

Some people with ADHD find it useful to have visual reminders, would it be a good idea to write down one thing you want to focus on and put it in a few places that are visible to you? (on the fridge, behind the toilet door?) so you can just try that one thing?  If it doesn't work, replace it with a different one thing.  When we are trying to fix EVERYTHING it can feel really overwhelming, but choosing just one thing to focus on can make it feel more possible.  

Take care, and I hope to see you around the forum some more. 

Tinker