Lived Experience Forum

[wild_rose]

Since my blow up a few months ago things haven't been good. I struggled so long to regain control the past three or four months I've been like a runaway freight train wreaking havoc and chaos in my path, crashing and burning in a fierce and scary way, now the dust is finally settling I'm starting to see the aftermath and everything I have done and all the hurt I've caused

A relationship in ruins, my partner not certain he wants to be with me anymore and it's all my fault. Quite literally the best thing that's ever happened to me and I feel like I’ve ruined everything.

My partner is pulling away he’s becoming distant, he admitted it last night said he's scared of getting hurt again by me. when did I become this person, the person that hurts people? That's never who I wanted to be. I wasn't like this one. Once I was kind, caring, compassionate, strong and resilient, now I'm just selfish and broken.

I'm trying so hard to get me back and for the first time in a long time my head feels clearer, medicatins finally seem to be doing what they're supposed to, but I feel like it's too little, too late.

It really is my fault, I push them away, everybody, no wonder I have so few friends, no wonder the only thing that truly matters to me is slipping away fast....

[Snowie]

Hi @wild_rose 

Sorry to hear you are going through so much at the moment. It is hard when things around us are falling apart.

Please try to not be too hard on yourself, you are doing the very best you can.

Take care of yourself.

💗💗

[flybluebird]

Hi there @wild_rose 

I can hear just how much relationships have now become more a focus and something you value in this moment of time. That, in your partner and having connections to meaningful friendships.

And it sounds like you recognise a part you played in what things occurred when you were not in a right space. And when I say ‘right’ I mean it loosely as that can be very different to each individual.

I’m not sure if you will see this for yourself, but both of those things show to me a person who is kind, courageous & resilient.

I just wonder, and it’s just what comes to mind for me, that taking the steps to mend the bridges can be done while holding self compassion also for yourself.

If it doesn’t resonate please just let these words fade out off the page.
It was just something that came up for me when reading your post.

Hope you can find connection through the community here. 

[wellwellwellnez]

Blame allocation in couples is always tricky when society makes it so hard not make a muck of things sometimes.

As, part of society, I'm sorry for the parts I've played as well (even the "butterfly effect" ones). I/we are endeavoring to do better.

We put too much pressure on couples, is what I'm saying.

[greenpea]

@wild_rose  sweetheart I know full well what you are going through.  When I was ill I was a monster and hurt many people. Now i am well some forgive the rest dont understand ..... so be it. Am here for you xxx

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @wild_rose 

It's good that you can acknowledge what happened.. but are you able to forgive yourself for it?  Forgiving yourself will also give you permission to move on and while others might not be so forgiving, its important that you acknowledge that you are human, you have faults and you learn from your mistakes. 

I hope that makes sense to you.  We all stuff up and we all take people for granted, and it is usually a lesson we learn a few times in life before we get it right.