Hi all it's been a while since I have been on here and a lot has happened and I thought I would share it here which in turn will help me get it out and know that at least someone is listening. first week out of hospital was great. I really felt like I was back on track. I was walking everyday, I was reading lots again, I was journaling, I had a bedtime routine, there was no drinking no s/h. I felt energised and like I could finally look to the future. I was thinking of going back to school to study. I finally felt like there was a little hope in my future. However all that came crashing down the following week. My ex and his family started harassing me about my boys and wanting to know why they don't want to see them. Blaming me for that and it's still going on now. My
ex is wanting to take me to court for visitation rights of the boys and he has now dropped what he was paying in child support significantly so now I am struggling financially to the point I can't even pay my rent. My birthday was horrible. It is a triggering time for me every year and my brother knows this and was suppose to come hang out with me that day but he didn't end up coming and he didn't even call to see how I was. Mum and her partner and child went to see Frozen the musical on my birthday and so it was just me and my boys. I tried my best to have a good time with them but it got too hard and too much to handle so I did something stupid which made me very sick for most of the night and I felt like crap all the next day. Christmas is also a very hard time of year for me. Everything Christmas is triggering and I have a lot of panic attacks and a few meltdowns. The 21st is especially tough and it's getting closer to that date. On top of all this my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. My life is falling apart all over again. It's like the universe just doesn't want me to be happy. Every time I finally feel like things are moving in the right directions things seem to derail me.
I have fallen way back into a deep dark depression. I have no motivation, no energy, no want, no hope. I just hate my life. Also whilst in hospital a new memory surfaced and so I am also dealing with that.I cannot concentrate properly anymore and disassociating again. Sleep again is non existent and I have no apitite at all.
Mum's diagnoses has me feeling all sorts of emotions. Of course first and for most it's upsetting, scary but I also feel like it isn't real and this is all a dream. I know she is going to need every bit of support from all of us but I don't know if I have the strength to be what she needs. I am falling apart myself and can't even look after myself properly right now, I dont know how I going to be able to be there for Mum.
Also part of me feels extremely guilty for all the times I wished my mum wasn't around. She was part of my past torture. She was part of ruining my childhood and I wished this a lot and now it's a possibility and I feel so guilty for ever thinking that.
right now I am just scared, alone and very very vulnerable.
Anyway thanks for listening to me complain and ramble.
I really do miss you all so very much. I feel disconnected and wish I could be here more often. I hope you all are doing well. Sending you all love and hugs. ❤️❤️💙💙
feeling guilty for not being here more often.
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