Everyone in my life is abusive

[TopDeck]

People wonder, why is this guy so bitter?

I don't know.

Could it be that getting police sectioned to hospitals and being treated like an animal every time for the last 13 years actually doesn't work?

Could it be that having abusive support workers actually doesn't work?

Could it be that constantly blaming me for something I NEVER ASKED FOR doesn't work?

I do not even care if I go to gaol or wherever at this point.

And you know what?

Despite all the bullshit.

Despite all the hatred towards me.

Part of me actually feels sorry for all of you.

Because I know 90% of human behaviour is learned.

A child does not magically grow into a functional adult.

My life will go one day, but I will take solace in that I may never see the end. A dramatic death just isn't fitting for me.

[Ru-bee]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences @TopDeck it sounds like you've been really let down by the system and by those who are meant to support you. Unfortunately I know that a lot of others on her can also relate to this.

I don't know that there's anything I can say to make that better, but I can sit here with you and listen and hopefully let you know you're not alone 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @TopDeck 

Getting the mental health services to actually work seems to take a lot of luck and commitment and know how amounting to blooming hard work. 

I have seen it fail a lot.

Hoping you get better support workers. I have had to "let some go" though I felt dreadful and uncertain and self whipping about it. I did get a good one. Wishing you the best. Nup. We don't ask to be born.

[TopDeck]

There seems to be a pattern with support workers - they go hard for the first few months or so then when they get comfortable with you, the level of care starts to drop.

I have been outright suicidal at times - they either just walk away from it, or ring the police and send me to hospital.

I have been sent to hospital for frivolous reasons. It's gone beyond treatment and care into punitive punishment.

Truly, I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I'm not a violent man, I hate fighting. I've  a very caring heart, where I want to help people but every time I've tried to help people, it seems to be unwanted or at times, abused. Yet I still do it, since I believe helping people should be freely given. Expecting something back in return makes it a trade.

I forget myself, constantly living in survival mode. It's become a point now, where I no longer trust humanity Have I truly gone insane? Or has this country that I love beaten, bashed and bruised any semblance of imagination and dreaming out of me?

Has it reached a point, where even things like imagination and dreams are reserved for only a certain class of people? What a sad state of affairs, when to imagine and dream is considered something to be clinically drugged and beaten out of.

[Ru-bee]

@TopDeck two things clearly stand out to me in your recounting of your experiences here.

The first is of course the lack of appropriate support during times when you've needed it most, and the mistrust of others that this as created (understandably so). I'm saddened to hear about this experience and the ways that the system has let you down.

The second thing I noticed though was your ability to still put yourself out here and talk about what you've been through, to be vulnerable and still foster enough trust here to be able to express yourself. Along with your continual willingness to help others.

While I'm disappointed in the system here, I'm proud of you for being able to talk about it and connect here

[TopDeck]

@Ru-bee There isn't really any trust - I'm just in a position where I literally have nothing left to lose. I've been called almost every single thing you can name of under the sun. Such is the life of one labelled a schizophrenic, and it's gone to a point where I really could not care less what other people think of me personally anymore. It's jarring to me, that you say that you're proud of me - no one has said that to me in years. But I can recognize that comment does not come from a place of malice; neither does what I type here, it's just my perspective is quite warped, skewered and sheltered from so many times in the psych ward. I stopped counting at around 20 admissions over the last decade. Some of those admissions have been for absolutely absurd and paper-thin reasoning as well. No joke, one time I actually got sent to a psych ward for touching a public tap - undercover police harassed me for touching a public tap and sent me to the psych ward over it, I shit you not.

I have reached out to solicitors, it's all fallen on deaf ears. Most of them just don't want to touch anything relating to mental health.

I really can't deal with this anymore. I've had my family torn apart because of this. I've lost friends because of it. I live a very isolated existence besides NDIS workers and mental health workers and I honestly am at my wits end. What's the response to this going to be? Send me to hospital again? Silence me and attempt to drug my problems away? Because clearly that hasn't worked for the last 13 years and it isn't going to work anymore now.

[Ru-bee]

I hear you in struggling with that trust @TopDeck but being at your wits end. I do want to assure you that those responses you've mentioned are the last things we want to be a part of here, we know how harmful they can be.

To be completely transparent, we do have a duty of care which comes with come legal obligations related to safety, as with every mental health service, but it's not something that we take lightly, and we would always strive to talk to you (or any member) about this before taking any action. It's not something I'm even considering in this current conversation.

I guess my response is to ask how we might best support you in this?

[TopDeck]

I'm well aware of the duty of care, my apologies if my last post seemed rude. Things are rather frustrating right now.

I hadn't wished for anything for years.

I see the pain and torment everyone endures with this system, believe me I resonate with it all too well.

Oh, and for the record; no, I don't wish to harm myself or other people. Now in the present, I just exist. I survive.

One thing we can all agree on at the very least - there needs to be some serious change to the mental health system. If there is any lesson to be learned from my life, it is that treating emotions as if they're some form of clinical disease really doesn't go very far. I've been boxed in this life for so long, I don't even know what life could've been like for me had I not fallen into the mental health system.