When my most recent trauma happened, I was left in a situation from which there was no escape, but I decided to give myself my best chance by immersing myself in the world outside of the isolation bubble my ex-psychiatrist had kept me in.
I joined a low cost educational organization. I enrolled in 6 courses and also volunteered. I was having a wonderful time and was doing well interacting in the volunteering role. Then, as usual, the fun stopped. I approached the office for an enquiring customer and after excusing myself, was deliberately ignored, shunned. I had been volunteering, providing a free service during an unimaginable trauma of my own, doing well and suddenly it was obvious that I may have been doing too well. They had obviously been discussing me among the office staff (paid? volunteers?) who had decided that I needed to be put in my place. The head, standing nearby, told me that they 'were busy' (they weren't engaged in rocket science, just looking busy) and what did I want? I explained within their earshot and they immediately jumped into action. It seems they weren't really busy, after all.
That had hurt me deeply. I am not a fragile person - quite the opposite in fact, but that was just plain rude and totally unwarranted. It also indicated clearly to me that I had been the hot subject of discussion in the office. They needed a conversation subject and others are always a juicy subject - while they are gossiping about others, their place is secure. I was scarcely able to hold back my tears when I went back to reception. After a while, I had to explain confidentially to my co-worker that I was deeply hurt, and why.
That got back to them - because, as I have said recently, if you want your secret to not be told to others - keep it to yourself.
Then I made the mistake of divulging a personal matter in one of my classes and was immediately shunned by everyone - like they had just been waiting for an excuse to not allow me to be part of the group.
I cancelled all except one enrolment soon after. Several of the staff contacted me and one rang when I was writing my suicide note. So, of course, that went viral too.
I enrolled in a term of sport with this organization and remained in it for the allowed term. Of course, that went sour too. Asking one of the higher echelon what to do about the member who was touching me when it was obvious it wasn't just a supportive, teamlike touch, exploded among the male members and one, especially, was soon going out of his way to touch me to indicate touching is normal. It isn't. Months of his touching, singing to me, calling me 'sweetheart', constantly approaching me such that I had to keep him in my peripheral vision so that I could start wandering away was becoming overwhelming distressing and after finishing discussing it with this other member, I was actually hyperventilating after finishing the call. He said his companion had had the same experience, that he was a bit of a 'jack the lad' since his wife died and that he had also noticed his conversational innuendo. Blech! The person I spoke with told us at afternoon tea that we ladies might like to man the bar on social occasions. I consider that to be his appraisal of a woman's worth and role.
After an interclub game we moved into the club room for prizes. It was not an environment I was comfortable with. Very few women and the men were just waiting for the bar to open. I don't drink and was endeavouring to make an inconspicuous exit when a man asked if he could buy me a drink. Again - Blech! I felt like he considered me a pick-up. It is customary for the opposite number of a home team to buy a drink for the visitor - but I don't think he was my opposite number and his attitude made me squirm. I wouldn't subject myself to that environment again. I haven't returned saying that I am waiting for my game to improve.
I tried to keep going anyway but the discussions the men have had is an ongoing matter among them. The toucher has been low profile lately, the toucher who tried to indicate to me that it is 'normal' said that he saw me walking to the club but didn't offer me a lift in case I thought he was trying to 'pick me up', and another said to a fellow player tripping over a bowl that he didn't want her to 'k*** herself' just yet. I had to conclude these were reflecting on my private conversations with the other educational organization and with the higher echelons within the sport club, which interconnect. It is not my imagination. They are constantly sizing me up and as I said, I feel like I am surrounded on all sides. One would think support would be the normal response to such a situation.
I will not be returning to the club and regret that I will also miss out on some worthy relationships there.
So here I am, on the verge of seeing a psychiatrist who terrifies me by his potential to cause me harm - and without any support. My situation is dire and I can't take much more of it. There is only more of this ahead and I am completely isolated.
