Lived Experience Forum

[Wanda]

what a lovely post

[Rosemary4]

Absolutely @HenryX we gotta take those little breaks from being serious. Times to smile and smell the roses so to speak. Centre ourself, reset the brain and keep going.
Nearly there 🎄🎆🎄

[BPDSurvivor]

Very true @Rosemary4 . For me, the 'reset' is of utmost importance. It helps me get through. I take these off work as 'wellbeing' days.

@HenryX , thank you for your thoughtful post. I appreciate it very much, particularly as Christmas can be such a difficult time for so many @Gem17 @Kbomb . I resonate with @Gem17 @Kbomb  because as a borderline, I HATED Christmas and new year festivities. It reminded me of how lonely I was.

To help me stay safe, I actually got voluntary admission in to PARCs several years in a row. These recovery centres meant I had the 24 hour support I needed without the intensity of hospitalisation. Also, it was an option because I had no family/friends support around me. I also used these forums extensively at this time, as well as booked myself into online DBT art therapy on 24th, 25th, 26th Dec.

Today, I don't need any of those supports anymore. I used them while I needed them, but thanks to so many people, I've moved on in my recovery. 

Looking for this to be the same for you too @Gem17 @Kbomb .

BPDSurvivor

[Rosemary4]

Thanks @BPDSurvivor, I clearly have ablbg way to go to be where you are. But somehow this year it doesn't hurt so much that people erase me, even family, probably because I decided not to expect anything from them anymore. In a way they taught me how, made me stronger. I'm still lonely but it doesn't matter so much anymore. Having said all that, I'd just as soon not do Christmas. Just call it a summer break or something 😊⛱️

[Gem17]

Me again... 

I'm not sure if anyone checks in on this thread and I'm not sure who to tag because I'm not really writing to anyone in particular - I just needed somewhere to share where people might understand. 

I'm really struggling at the moment, especially while my doctor and psychologist are both on leave. I'm safe and I know what to do if I'm not but I'm feeling very alone and unsupported with everything I'm feeling (I'm not really sure what I'm feeling but it feels big and overwhelming if that makes any sense). I hate that this new year has started and I feel like I'm in a worse place than I was at the end of 2021. There are things in the next few months that I'll be doing to try and get to a better place and build some strategies to support myself but at the moment that feels so far away and feels like hard work. I know that eventually it won't feel this bad or this hard but at the moment it all feels like a lot... 

[flybluebird]

Hi @Gem17 - we haven’t met yet & I just wanted to welcome you here on the forums & introduce myself as I’m one of the peer support workers here. The community here are such incredible supports to each other. I hope that you find other like minded folk who do really get it.

It really can be difficult when regular supports aren’t available and I’m just wondering if you have every tried the SANE supportline? I’m just hearing that the big feels are really present for you & just thought of offering as an option.

They are back from their holiday break & available til 10pm if you’d like to chat more in depth about how you’re doing right now?

Otherwise I might just tag a few other members that have been active on this thread & might have support to share if & when they are online here 😊
@BPDSurvivor @Rosemary4 @HenryX 

[Gem17]

Hi @flybluebird 

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it. I have definitely already found that there are people on here who understand and are supportive. It's part of what makes this feel like a safe place to reach out.

I haven't tried to sane support line before but I will keep it in mind. Thank you. I'm not usually a big talker or sharer but I'm learning that it really is something that helps, especially when I'm not thinking so rationally and can have someone help me see that and work through how I'm feeling. 

[HenryX]

Hello @Gem17 , @flybluebird , @Rosemary4 , @BPDSurvivor 

and others visiting this thread

Hi @Gem17 , I'm finding the "new year' somewhat strange for a few reasons. To some degree, there has been that expectation and anticipation of change, in the lead up to Christmas and the New Year. As though waking up in the coming year would provide me with the opportunity to address the issues that I seemed not to have been able to address, or change in the previous year. There is a developing awareness that the year number may have changed, but while I have been able to make some small changes already, I have not, fundamentally, changed in myself. Maybe, too much positive anticipation for me. Possibly, too high an expectation developed as well.

I am, to state the obvious, the same person. During any given time, I can only plan and accomplish a certain number of goals and address a certain number of challenges. the word 'realistic' comes to mind, and I think, "I don't want to be b@!##y realistic, I want results." And yet I also have to be patient. That is another word that causes me a considerable level of frustration. "I don't have time to be patient. There is so much that I need to do." And yet, despite the best intentions, very little seems to be getting done any faster this year than it ever did last year.

However, it is not all doom and gloom. I have, as a result of discussion with a counsellor, been able to re-evaluate some past experiences and my reactions and responses to those experiences and events, or at least, my memories and recollections of them. There has been developed an awareness that my future actions, responses and reactions, do not have to be dictated by the way that I have perceived past events and their apparent effect on me. The key words for me are, "perceived" and "apparent". I have also been able to, in some ways, reformulate how I respond to events in my present and recent past life, particularly those that may have been similar to past events, that I have perceived as being negative, or have "triggered" reactions within me, as though they were.

I would be interested to know whether you find you have similar thoughts, or whether your thoughts go in another direction.

Like you, and to restate your expression, "I just needed somewhere to share where people might understand."

With Best Wishes,

@HenryX 

[Rosemary4]

Thanks for the tag @flybluebird @@HenryX 

Hi @Gem17 @Gem17, 

WELCOME TO THE FORUMS 😀👍
Sorry youre really struggling lately, it's a complex time of year with support staff on leave, and fake families in ya face or the nothingness of it all. Sucks for me too atm, had to ring suicide callback the other night (I get scared I wont be able to stop it in time one day) but we've survived the Christmas break, we can go a bit further.

I'm glad you're safe and know your threshold and what to do... well done! for that, i know the  hard work it takes to get this far. - a huge step fwd. It took me years to get to that lace, so take your time. 
Sounds like your feelings of being alone & unsupported is building up 'big' and overwhelming can be frightening.
I go through similar state
every summer (with a long run of bad anniversary dates to contend with etc). Earlier this week I remembered I hadn't journalled for quite a while and gosh it made a difference when I did, to put my worries and feelings in writing 'get-it-out so to speak. Just relieves the pressure cooker to a coping level or something. Have you tried journalling? and or prayer? meditation? Sounds positive the things you have in place this next few months, building coping strategies etc 👍 Check in here with us every day waiting for then, we keep each other afloat. You're right.. it won't feel this bad forever... just gotta ride it out... and you've reached out here and have cricis lines as backup too. We're so lucky we have the internet now, especially in this pandemic.
You be kind to yourself. Self compassion is crucial when the overwhelm waves hit. You're on the right track. Let me know how tomorrow goes?
💜❤️🧡💛💚💙

[Gem17]

Hi @Rosemary4  and @HenryX 

Thank you both for replying. I really appreciate the community here. It definitely helps me feel a little less alone in my struggles. 

The end of the year and start of the new one is definitely always a tricky time of year and one I've aleays found difficult, but even more this year. In a strange way, it is comforting to hear that you have both found it a bit challenging too as it makes me feel less alone (though I'm sorry you've also found it a bit of a struggle). 

I'm not really a journaler, I'm too worried about someone finding it and reading it. I've tried journaling on my phone but it's just not the same (plus then the accusations start flying about what am I writing, who am I talking to, what am I doing, why am I on my phone so much etc etc which means it's just not worth it). At the moment my main strategy is just to try and distract myself (using healthy distractions rather than the self destructive ones I had fallen into using) rather than comprehend or process anything. I think I'm getting there but it's really tricky sometimes. I feel like I'm going between feeling absolutely nothing, like I'm numb and empty, and then feeling everything. But I guess the progress is that I'm now more aware of it, even if I don't have the strategies to deal with it yet. 

Anyway, sorry for another rambling, self pity filled post. I try not to share this part of me but I am also so thankful that I am able to on here - a place without judgement or criticism. It's a refreshing change, so thank you!