Lived Experience Forum

[LeChuck]

Thank you @StanD. All I can really say is keep reaching out for support or advice if you need it and I'll try my best to help as much as I can friend. I'm not a professional but I'll give what I can.

LeChuck x

[StanD]

I don't know if you are real, or why you are kind to me. I don't mean that to be an insult. All I ever wanted was to trust someone & have them say the things you say. @LeChuck I feel like you are genuine. I can't understand why or how you would find time for me. It sounds like I have low opinion?

I know it's difficult to listen to other people's problems. I have been listening for a very long time. 

My perspective & understandings changed in a split second today. I thought things were one way. I thought I had rights & reason to defend myself. I see now that a change has occurred & I'm not really able to do anything anymore. Keep my mouth shut. Be happy for the small mercies I do have. They are not adequate & they do not support my wellbeing - on all levels. But, it is still better than sleeping on the streets. So, for now at least, I have no choice but to submit.

Maybe in a way, that is a strength, not weakness. My pride is damaged. My (illusionary)safety & privacy taken away. 

Those around me, engaging in outrageous behaviour, that affects me deeply. On an emotional etc level, but actually on a practical, physical level that disturbs my ability to function, like making meals & sleeping. I guess it would be similar to having very noisy, chaotic neighbours. 

I have been there in the past too.

This is harder...I think.. I'm not sure.

I'm flummoxed!

I was thinking when I woke up - b4 trauma of today's happenings - about natural disasters, homes burning down. People displaced by floods. Nowhere to go. Lost everything.

Devastation.

Stories on the news, about government taking too long to help people. Promises broken.

Why do I have all this hope? I see nothing in my future. 

[tyme]

Hearing you @StanD . Please know you are not alone.

[LeChuck]

@StanD I'm going to break my reply to you down into parts as I go through your message and process what's been happening for you. 

I am kind to you because it is my nature to be kind, and because you need and deserve kindness. My concern for you is genuine and I will continue to offer you kindness and support for as long as I can.

We've been working on deciphering our core values in group therapy the last month and I'm getting a grip on mine. They're the ones I can hang on to and strive for even when times are shit. 

Empathy, kindness, caring. That's what matters to me at my core. I can still have those, no matter how bad things get. I'm struggling to strive for some of my other values like strength, perseverance, and endurance. Holding on to that core helps me stay connected to the human I can be when I'm well. I'm here for you because I want to be. I have been down these dark trails and I want to help others navigate their way out of that nightmare maze.

It's the nature of these forums that we don't know much about each other except our struggles. But I know you are struggling bad. You need support and I have support to give. Of course I will give it, it's as simple as that. You need and deserve to be cared about and I have the capacity to care about you, so I will.

I will not be able to be a constant for you because my own mental health and addictions get the better of me sometimes. I don't lose my empathy but sometimes I lose the ability to write it down.You still need other sources of kindness in your life and it sounds like you don't have them right now. And it's starting to sound like you don't feel you deserve them, which, if I may speak plainly my friend, is a crock of shite. You have value. That's a fact. Hold onto it. If you can't make yourself believe it, just let me keep telling you.

[LeChuck]

@StanD Acceptance of things we cannot change right now is strength. Every mode of therapy teaches that. Willingness to stand up and advocate for yourself is another kind of strength. Every mode of therapy teaches that too. The point is, both paths take strength and you just need to decide on which type of strength you practice right now. What will serve your needs best? What will protect you and what will allow you to grow. What will serve you in the short term and what will serve you in the long term. If the flexible strength of the willow is what you need right now, pursue that and bend without being broken. Weather the storm for a while and come out the other side of it as beautiful as you were before you went in. Then decide on what kind of strength you need for your next step. Choose the strength or value you need most for the situation and place you are in, whether it be bravery, perseverance, optimism,  or just the willingness to allow hope into your heart. Find the spark of it inside, and feed that flame. I will support you in cultivating and maintaining it as much as I can.

[LeChuck]

@StanD Finally, your environment sounds difficult and I am guessing this is why you are needing endurance and flexibility to survive right now. If it is not an option to fight and advocate for yourself and change that environment, it's ok to let your tiger self take a break and be the willow for a while

When you are ready and you need it, that tiger will still be there inside you.

And like I said to tonys, don't be a sponge for darkness StanD. You deserve better than that. Don't take on imagined pain from situations beyond your control. These are just that, beyond your control. You cannot fix them. Just allow yourself to let go of that worry and remind yourself that those people are finding the wonderful strength in themselves and others that adversity brings, just like you.

The fact that you can't see a future doesn't surprise me in the least. When you fall in a deep hole it's impossible to see over the sides to the world around. We hang in there for glimpses of the sun and moon as they pass by. The fact that you still have hope is remarkable. Hold tight to it. The universe will drop you a rope eventually.

I am wondering if you would like your own thread where you can tag in others you trust and receive support from all sides. I am happy to stay here, but I think it's working well for another friend to have more perspectives, support and validation. Again, I am happy to stay here and talk one-on-one if you'd prefer, you just do whatever feels right to you.

LeChuck xx

[StanD]

Everything you say is true @LeChuck 

I am going to start a new thread as you suggested.

I am going to re read your reply a few times.....I should actually record myself reading it & listen when the sun & moon are too far to see from this hole.

Or maybe like 'breaking bad', I am Jesse & they put a cover over my roof cage at night.

I know the words you speak, because it is me. I know we all struggle. I want to be a person who can give too. From down here I am useless.

Everything you wrote is beauty.

You understand my situation so clearly. You have beautiful compassion.

Nobody wants to read this, however, daily I am told (yelled) the opposite. I know it's not true. The actions of others - it hurts me. There are people that do not hold back.

It takes its toll. I know I am not this. 

It's very difficult for me to understand & make sense of what exactly is happening.

It's what you said tho - no need to find explanation. 

Survive best I can. Use strengths as required.

I want to write to you again. I don't know. I have only read your reply once. I know you put so much effort & time to actually listen to me & reply with deep relevance. That is special. Meaningful. Rare.   ...at least in my experience. 

Those people in the bushfires, floods, missing children... They say, things like, "they can't believe the kindness of the community, total strangers coming out to help them search, dropping off donations."

You are one of those lights for me LeChuck.

[LeChuck]

Hang in there @StanD, write and reply as much as you want, and make sure you give me a tag in your support thread!

LeChuck x

[LeChuck]

Are you ok today mate?

@StanD 

[StanD]

Hey @LeChuck thanks for asking. 

Funny, I don't remember the last time I was asked, spontaneously.

I'm having unusual anxiety.

I sent you msgs in the music room.

Phone on empty. I would like to check in with you when I have more juice! 😊

I need to buy a car ASAP.

Long story 

I don't know how!!

Maybe giving me anxiety.

I have been looking on C a r Sa lES - don't know if we are allowed to mention websites.

Xxxx U