Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hey @Corny

I so understand the loneliness and family not caring. When I told my mum all I got was verbal abuse and yelling. After I got up and walked out my parents never spoke to me for 4 years. I too never get hugs from my family. I crave fir them. It hurts. Now I talk to my parents but it’s a strained relationship. 

Hope your session goes well with your psych ❤️

[Corny]

That is a soul destroying reaction @BlueBay, if the the sexual abuse didn't put you in a dark place that reaction would. It actually re-traumatises you. 

I have had some of the most bizarre reactions from people, and still do. For me the most painful have been no reaction at all.

I find it irksome when friends or associates preach to me about forgiveness. I'm telling you now there was nothing spiritually transcendent about my sexually abuse. I know that they are simply ignorant, but its hard to listen to. 

I know this sounds very melodramatic, I have a lot to be grateful for, but I have always felt like an orphan, and still do. A secure base and a sense that I belong to someone or a tribe that loves me, understands me and defends me.......I have absolutely no concept of that. 

I think what adds to the loneliness is that I fly under the radar a lot.  A lot of people don't actually believe me, or know, the extent of the abuse that went on in my childhood. I was socialised in a 'you don't know what problems are' school, and that made me feel like I should never complain. I'm a very complient person because I received a lot of threats, which is a nice way of saying that I am a door mat. I'm not saying that I wear a mask, I can't see it myself because I feel like a dinosaur inside, but people tell me that because I am a warm person, I look quite young and that I couldn't have lived through that simply because I have pretty good skin and chubby cheeks. I need to be more haggered and bitter apparently. There's nothing stopping me getting there it feels on a bad day. 

I'm sure that to stay sane and keep your head above water you have to manage contact with your parents. I totally get it. 

The rejection and loneliness is .

Corny x

[outlander]

I numbed out quite alot to @Corny its only a yr since i started feeling it too. My way of coping was to shut down all together. I am so sorry you went through all that and the reaction from family snd friends make it so much harder. Hugs

Im really glad that you have a great psychiatrist and psychologist to help you through this. Even if you feel alone, you arent cause you have all of us here too. ❣❣

[Corny]

I can completely relate to the numbness @outlander. 

Thanks for making me feel like I can come here and not have to cope with ignorance and lack of understanding. I know it's a really heavy topic and not good for any of us to write and talk about it every single day.......but some times it just all spills out and you feel like you have nowhere to go.  

I was a numbed out zombie my entire childhood. Living under fear and threat changes people's brains. 

A year isn't long outlander.......every one is different in how it comes out, how you deal with it, don't let anyone pressure you into dealing with it in a way that doesn't feel right for you......I hope that if you want to talk to a professional about it, that you have good support. I found it extremely difficult to find one. 

It can really effect our relationships. Its hard enough having a mental health condition that does that. But I hope that you have some love around you.

It s such a cruel sentence for someone. 

C xx

[outlander]

@Corny it is a really hard topic however sometimes you need to talk about it otherwise it either spills out everywhere like you said or it bubbles away, neither of which is great so if it helps to talk then please do as much as you need. xox

I agree living under fear and threat does change so much. When the abuse was happening to me i too was groomed into thinking it was my fault.My 'innocence' was taken away and the 'curious' teenage yrs were exploited. When i had said i wanted it to stop they threatened to end their life.i hope that was ok sharing with you, it was to show i understand how you would be feeling too. No a yr isnt long (then it doesnt really feel that long ago it happened (5ish yrs. im now 21) and it is been such a dreadful ride ever since i 'snapped out' of that numbess. i wont be telling anyone, and even though i know it doesnt just go away is easier in a way to deal with it myself too. Does that make sense? i am very much fearing an upcoming test that might lead to further questions though if it comes back abnormal again.

Reading the part where you said you are a warm person with good skin and chubby cheeks and being judged based upon that really shows peoples' perceptions of trauma doesnt it. i think when most people think of truama they see these poor, unhealthy, cold hearted people but really its often the opposite. Despite the dreadful experiences we endured it has also made us more compassionate and understanding- warm. Even though you cant see it within yourself, reading your posts to others i can see that warmth in your posts. i see a survivor.

it is very cruel indeed, a quote that really resonated with me was 'Silence is just another word for my pain' i related so well because sometimes the pain is unbearable and there just arent any words. it is exactly like Soul Pain. maybe you will relate to that too.

"A secure base and a sense that I belong to someone or a tribe that loves me, understands me and defends me" i relate so much to this to, but you belong here and we love you for who you are not who you think you should be. This is the first place i started to feel that sense of belonging and connection. i hope that youll get those feelings too.

[Corny]

Thanks for sharing @outlander, you were so very young and that experience would have completely altered your development and changed your whole life and all the relationships you had. It would still be effecting your relationships, I know mine does. I'm so sorry that happened to you, it is just horrific. 

I was about the same age, and I too received very direct, violent threats, and that's why I have PTSD. The threats continued in our family home, my father used to go hunting with my abuser, so I never really left the terrified loop of arousal and intense fear I was under. Because I was so little he and my father morphed into the same person in my childs mind, in terms of my brain detecting threats. And same with my mother and my abusers wife.

Sometimes when I feel anger towards my mother, I think that it could be misdirected anger that is actually about the women that groomed me. They both neglected me in different ways but the pain was the same. I felt like they both left me for dead, and protected and defended the men that enacted the crimes. Like the majority of survivors I forget that it was indeed a crime. I guess that is the power of it. It is a perfect crime, because a little kid has to have some form of attachment to someone, anything, just to survive. 

Its really hard to get through life when you feel that you have been moulded from such a young age, and the ghosts of people who have passed away can still control if you have a bad day, a good day and still have control over my physiology. That's the part that hurts the most. They've taken my resilience and potential and broken my spirit in the process. 

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist last night. He is such a caring man. He gave me his mobile number and said that I can call him anytime.  It's the weirdest feeling getting so much care and concern from a medical practitioner and you don't get it from your own family. It really hurts. But I guess none of us can chose our family. 

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night outlander.

Big hugs

Corny

[outlander]

hello @Corny
im so sorry you were so young too. i agree it definently affects relationship and also the way we think too. the effects of PTSD are horrid arent they!
wow that is horrible how your family treated you too. i knew my abuser well- he was within the family and lived with us at the time so i can definently understand that arousal and fear cycle too. it is such a confusing time as it let alone with truama!

you know that is a really good point with the misdirected anger. sometimes we dont mean to be angry at people but when it relates with the truama it is hard and again the lasting effects of it. it really does make sense how youve described it!
and yep you are right again, kids latch on pretty quickly if they are gettin attention or that person makes them feel good about themselves even if its the bad sort but often without realising it.

im not sure it really leaves, i think we just heal slowly and learn to cope as well. you have amazing resilience even if you dont think you do. you survived that truama and your still alive now. i know theres a difference between surviving and living though. you are a wonderful person, in the time ive known you even from the carers sides i have really come to like you.

your psychiatrist sounds really amazing and someone who actually cares! it can be really hard to find those! i do agree i have the most wonderful womens health nurse who ive known through my school yrs as well (i struggle heaps with weight and some women problems) and she actually does care. it is strange but nice.

Is there something you like to do with your life? hobbies or anything that makes life abit more bearable?

oh have you had a look around to see if theres some social threads you might like to join in with?

Hugs and hugs xox

[Maggie]

@Corny Hi, I've read most of your thread. I relate to it all. And yes, the English, or any other language, can never begin to discribe the unbearable pain we wade through daily. I'm in a really bad space at the moment, but really wanted to drop off a small response. I truely am sorry you are going through this.

[outlander]

@Maggie 🌻💞

[Corny]

Hi @Maggie,

I am very sorry that you are in a dark place. I totally get it. 

I have been there many times myself. 

Some of them, give me goose bumps looking back. My future ones......give me knots in my stomach........

I understand the emptiness that you feel. An emptiness that is so full of feeling that trying to describe that to another person is just foreign language. Like the experience is so overwhelming that your body shuts down, people's concern and caring just washes over you without changing your facial expression because you remain braced in terror, even if you don't realise it yourself.

Thank you for reading my thread @Maggie. I know it is intense. I try my best to be self-contained..........but sometimes I just can't. I knew when I wrote it that other survivors would read it, and may have to slink away into the shadows to take care of themselves, and shed quiet tears in the dark. If you're crying in the dark @Maggie, know that you aren't alone, and even if we can't have a proper face-to-face conversation, I do understand.

I hope your 4 legged mate is snuggly tonight.

Take care

Corny xxx