Lived Experience Forum

[Maggie]

Yes she is @Corny . Too many tears tonight, far too much pain. I understand you too. I get stuck with language on and off line, Unfortunatley my mind never stops though. A total contradiction. Thankyou for your response.

[Corny]

Hey @outlander,

You are so sweet. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I am so pleased to know that the school nurse is a lovely person that understands trauma and really cares about your health and well being. You deserve it.

To live for so many years without being 'seen' was truly soul destroying for us all. And then to travel through life where our family continues to be blind to our pain, and yet these strangers are concerned about us.......is an odd feeling. 

I understand the oddity @outlander. Sometimes it feels like you have to pay someone to give a s%&t, and that is a strange feeling in itself. And then to have to interact with disinterested family members.......messes with our heads to say the least. 

I hope you had a nice weekend and did something for yourself. 

I know that we are tribal beings and that our families assign us 'roles' from a young age. Like you, I seem to have been assigned the care taking role, and people get used to that very quickly. I hope that you give yourself some time to step out of this role and explore who you are without that expectation.

Big hugs @outlander

Corny xxx

[outlander]

Thanks @Corny
Im not in school now but she is caring and only knows enough to run the basic tests. I dont talk about it anymore just fo those 🙂

Yea of course sometimes its hard to comprehend that strangers care more than our own families. Its very much the same here. People just get it and genuinly care even though we woulnt know each other if we said hi on the street.
It really does suck that we have to pay people to listen though i guess it is ok in the sense that its all confidential and will still have that support there when friends and family are quite the opposite!

I agree we tend to have roles placed upon us and end up growing with those expectations. It makes it very hard to say no or to break the chains so to speak.
Have you broken the chains abit with your roles?
Branching out is hard. I try to but in a way as hard as it is this is like a comfort bubble in the sense all of this is familiar to me and i know my 'roles' even if it is way to much.
Youve had alot placed upon you too. Did you face the difficulties of branching out of the comfort zone?

As you said the truama has greatly affected my relationships ( i also have bpd so makes it trickier again) and so isolating myself was easier to do, now it makes me anxious being around people and too much noise so it makes it hard to even think outside my bubble and what might lie even though i know theres greener pastures.

Weekend wasnt good, struggling so much to just hang on. I didnt know if i was going to make it through the weekend but im still here and safe ( i forced myself to be safe and be around people) but enough about me.

How are you going? How was your weekend? Have you managed any time out from your roles latley?

Big hugs to you too xoxo
❤❤❤❤

sorry had to edit something

[Maggie]

@outlander 💜💜💕💛

[outlander]

@Maggie
are you alright?

[Maggie]

No, but hanging in like you over the weekend.  I hope you are doing a little better. I'm not reading many posts.

Hi @Corny Thinking of you.

[outlander]

Hugs, tag me if youd like to talk @Maggie im more than happy to listen

[Maggie]

Thankyou @outlander im just beyond words atm. 💜💕💛💜💕💛

[Former-Member]

Hi @Corny,

I understand how you feel without going into too much detail, I was sexually abused by multiple people between the ages of 3 and 10, my mother was neglectful and a drug addict so I had to deal with it on my own. I weirdly enough found my mental health helped me back then although I wasn't officially diagnosed till I was in my 20s I have had Dissociative Identity Disorder since I was 8 my first alter becoming my protection bubble wich helped me to deal and as I got older I relied on my alters to avoid stressing situations. Now my issue is trying to heal enough to cope with out them so I can try to get back to just me.

[Corny]

Thank you for sharing your story with me @Former-Member.

No detail is required, you were so very young and that's why your dissociation is so severe. My heart breaks for you. I completely understand being stuck in a head that is locked into a trauma response. I bet you have lost years to that. Not only lost years but intimacy, depth and potential with just about every facet of life. You're just encased in a fog, waiting for the next threat. Your brain connections were established on trauma. It is just devastating.

Dissociation is very mis-misunderstood and extremely hard to cope with. We all numb out and can be a little automatic pilot at times, and go numb when we receive bad news etc. But chronic dissociation is almost like a zombie-fied psychosis if that makes any sense. It's very different to psychosis, it feels different inside, but psychiatrists without any experience with deeply traumatised and neglected people from a very young often mis-diagnose clients.

It must be so hard for you. I have never experienced alters, but the most terrifying dissociative state I have ever experienced took me to an emergency department. I'd forgotten some of it, but my sister told me recently when they took my pulse it was like 30 something. It's a very, very dangerous state to be in, in terms of SH and suicide risk because you're right in the centre of the terror memories and I think that our brains are re-playing the event/s and it's almost like we want to complete the act on ourselves before our attacker does, in some last desperate attemtpt to go with some dignity to our spirit. That's how it felt to me anyway.

I really hope that you have good support and an understanding health professional. 

My heart bleeds for you that you don't have a present, interested, loving Mum. The pain of that alone is enough for anyone.

I understand the daily shame, fear and loneliness that you expereince @Former-Member.

I can't take it away, or make it better......but I get it. 

Big hugs to you

Corny xxx